She wasn't wrong, but somehow it didn't seem right to simply go on with our lives as if Daddy hadn't died. I would never hear his laughter or see him smile again. How could the sky ever be blue or anything taste sweet or feel good? I would never again care about getting hundreds on tests or parading my newfound knowledge. Daddy was the only one who cared, who was proud of me anyway. Mommy gave me the feeling she felt education was frivolous for a girl. She believed once a girl was old enough to catch a man, nothing else mattered.
Walking home from the cemetery with Alice, I felt my heart had turned into one of those large chunks of coal Daddy used to hack out of the walls hundreds of feet below the earth: the coal that had killed him. Alice and I barely spoke while we hurried toward the trailer park. We had to keep our heads bowed because the snowflakes were streaming down from the gray sky and into our eyes.
"Are you all right?" Alice asked. I nodded. "Maybe we should have gone in Archie Marlin's car, too," she added mournfully. The wind howled. It screamed.
"I'd rather walk in a storm ten times worse than get in his car," I said vehemently.
When we entered Mineral Acres, we saw Archie Marlin's car parked at our trailer. And then, as we drew closer, we heard the sound of my mother's laughter.
Alice looked embarrassed. "Maybe I should go home."
"I wish you wouldn't," I said. "We'll go into my room and close the door."
"Okay."
When I opened the door, we found Mommy sitting at the dinette with Archie. A bottle of gin sat on the table with some mixers and ice.
"Happy now that you froze your feet walking?" Mommy asked. She had already taken off the black dress and wore a blue silk robe. Her hair was down around her shoulders. She had put on more lipstick.
"I needed the walk," I said. Archie looked at Alice and me with a grin.
"There's water on the stove if you want some tea or hot chocolate," Mommy said.
"I don't want anything right now, thank you." "Maybe Alice wants something."
"No thanks, Mrs. Logan."
"You can tell your mother everything's clean in my house," Mommy snapped. Alice was nonplussed.
"She didn't say it wasn't, Mommy."
"No, really, Mrs. Logan, I--"
"It's okay," Mommy said with a tiny ripple of nervous laughter. Archie smiled and poured two more drinks. "We're going to my room," I said.
"Maybe you should have gone to the wake, Melody. I don't have anything for dinner, you know."
"I'm not hungry," I said. I marched down the short corridor to my room, Alice trailing behind. After I closed the door, I threw myself on the bed and buried my face in the pillow to smother the anger building in my chest as much as my sobs.
Alice sat on the bed, too frightened and amazed to speak. A moment later we heard Mommy turn on the radio and find a station with lively music.
"She's just doing that because she can't stand crying anymore," I explained. Alice nodded, but I saw she was uncomfortable. "She says I should go right back to school."
"Are you? You should," she added, nodding.
"It's easy for you to say. Your daddy's not dead." I regretted saying it immediately. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean that."
"It's all right."
"I know if I live like nothing happened, I won't feel so sick inside. Only, what will I do when it's time for Daddy to be coming home from the mine? I know I'll just stand out there watching the road every day, expecting him to come walking over the hill as usual."
Alice's eyes filled with tears.
"I keep thinking if I stand there long enough and concentrate and hope hard enough, all this will never have happened. It will just seem to be a bad dream."
"Nothing will bring him back, Melody," Alice said sadly. "His soul has gone to heaven."
"Why did God put him in heaven?" I demanded, pounding my small fists on my thighs. "Why was I even born if I can't have a Daddy when I need him the most? I'm never going back to that church!" I vowed.