Now, when I looked at myself in the mirror, I felt as if I were looking through a window at another girl, one who had just emerged from within. The tightening of my waist, the curve at my hips, the lift in my rear, and the soft lines now in my neck and shoulders made my heart race. I brought my hands slowly to my breasts, in awe of how they had filled and firmed. The excitement shot down to my thighs, and I moaned with pleasure.
“Not bad,” Ava said, and I spun around, my face reddening. She nodded. “Daddy’s right. You’re looking more and more like me every day now. No wonder my clothes fit you so well. For a moment, I thought I was looking at myself when I was your age.”
“Really?” I asked, reaching for my bath towel.
“I wouldn’t say it if it weren’t so, Lorelei. I don’t flatter.” She sounded as if she wished she didn’t have to say it. “Stop fishing for compliments, anyway. You’re way past that need now, or should be.”
“I’m not fishing for compliments. I’m just so happy about…”
“Okay. I get the point. I came to tell you that you’re going out with me this coming weekend, but as I explained before, it’s just to observe and follow my orders. Consider it a field trip.”
“I am? Oh, that’s terrific, Ava.” I clapped my hands and bounced on my heels.
She shook her head and made a ticking sound with her lips the way Mrs. Fennel sometimes did. “I don’t remember being as naive and as innocent as you are. When Brianna took me with her for the first time, I didn’t gawk and gape and squeal like a tween or something.”
“I won’t do that. I promise.”
“We’ll see,” she said, and turned to leave, but then she paused to look at me again. “Daddy doesn’t see it in you, but I do.”
“See what?”
“Fear,” she said.
“Fear? Fear of what?” I asked.
“Yourself,” she said. I watched her walk out.
Fear wasn’t a word we used in this family. As far as I could see, there was nothing either Daddy or Mrs. Fennel feared, and Ava acted as if she could face down a stampede of elephants. Was I that different from her, from everyone else? How could I be afraid of myself, anyway?
I thought a moment, worried, and then I shook my head. No, she was wrong. To claim that she could see something Daddy couldn’t see was ridiculous. If Daddy didn’t see it, it wasn’t there. It was just jealousy, I concluded. Lately, Daddy was spending more time with me and giving me more of his attention, and I could tell she didn’t like that. It was the sibling rivalry at work, just as he had described it. It flattered me to think that Ava could ever be envious of me, but if anything also could frighten me, that might be it.
Happy again, I put on my nightgown and slipped under the blanket. Just as I was about to reach for the light switch, I heard a gentle knock on my door.
“Yes?”
Daddy entered. He hadn’t come to my bedroom for quite some time. As far back as I could remember, no one really tucked any of us in. There were no bedtime stories. Mrs. Fennel certainly wasn’t going to do anything like that. One thing we were taught especially was never to fear the dark. Even when I was a very little girl, Daddy told me the darkness was our friend.
“We exist because of the darkness,” he told me. “All of you are daughters of darkness.”
I wasn’t sure what he meant by that back then, but I was sure now. Darkness, secrets, and anonymity were tools that helped keep us alive and safe.
Maybe that was why Ava thought I was different, why she thought I might be afraid of myself or for myself. She knew that I was never completely comfortable in the dark, or at least as comfortable as she and, apparently, Marla were.
“How’s my new beauty?” Daddy asked, and sat at the foot of my bed.
“I don’t know if I’ll be able to sleep,” I said.
“Why not?”
“Ava just told me I’m to go out with her this weekend. Only to observe, but at least I’m going out, going to exciting places, and I’ll be able to wear the beautiful new dress you bought me. Do you think I’ll do all right?” I asked, this time admitting to myself that I was fishing for a compliment.
He laughed. “I know you will. When I first set eyes on you, I knew you were one to drink deeply of every pleasure this world has to offer us. When you were an infant, I saw the way you ate and drank, enjoyed a bath or simply being comfortably wrapped in a blanket. Even the way you slept told me you were soaked in pleasure.”
“Really?”
“Of course, but none of this will be anything close to what you will be experiencing in the time to come, Lorelei. In fact, consider it all to be nothing more than a taste.”
“A taste? Now that you’ve told me all that, I surely won’t be able to sleep, Daddy,” I said, and he laughed.