“I was always his kid. The killer’s kid. The drunk’s kid. The boy following in his father’s footsteps. Because you know what I did?”
“Stop.” He was hurting. He didn’t need to tell her more. Not anything more. She just wanted Hayden’s pain to stop.
“I stole when my mom and I had no food. I took things...from other kids when I didn’t have clothes. Stole their gym equipment. Stole their fancy school supplies.” His lips twisted. “I took what I wanted, and Sheriff Peek? He’d paid more than his share of visits to my house.”
“That’s in the past, Hayden. It’s always been in the past for me.”
“You know why I was on that pier?”
“Hayden—”
“I’d just gotten word that my dad had been killed in prison. My mother had drunk herself in a stupor after that, blaming herself. Like it was her fault the jerk had used his fists on her. I was on my own. I had nothing, no one. I was standing on that damn pier, looking into the water below and wondering...why the hell am I even trying?”
“Hayden—” She hurt for him. She’d tried to steel her heart against him, but this was Hayden. Beneath the anger she’d harbored for so long, the connection was still there. She knew it always would be there. Some bonds went too deep to ever be erased.
He stalked toward her. His dark eyes seemed to burn. “Whispers followed me everywhere. I couldn’t go into any store without clerks watching me, thinking I was about to steal from them. I was trouble. The punk kid. The guy who was going to turn out to be just like his father.”
Her hand reached out and she grabbed on to his arm. Held tight. “You are nothing like him.”
“Because of you.”
Her lips parted.
“You came to me on that pier when I had nothing. When I was at my worst. A pretty girl with dark red hair, and you smiled at me. You stared at me. Not the piece of trash that everyone thought I was. You saw me.”
She had to swallow the lump in her throat. I always saw you, Hayden.
“Then in a flash, you were gone. You’d wanted to be my friend, and I drove you away. I went after you and I saw him taking you.” A muscle flexed in his jaw. “I knew right then, I would do anything to get you back. No one was going to take you from me. No one was going to hurt you. Not while I was around.”
And he’d come for her. Later, she’d learned that he’d stolen a bike from the pier. That he’d ridden after the SUV, desperate to get to her. The bike’s chain had broken, and he’d run until he found her. He’d stayed on her trail, he’d broken into that little cabin and... “He could have killed you, you know that, right? If he’d found you coming into that cabin.”
He just stared down at her.
“Hayden?”
“You were worth the risk.”
Her lips were trembling so she pressed them together. She was still holding on to him. Far too tightly. She should let go.
“When we went back to town, people saw me differently then. Not trash. You turned me into a hero.”
Anger had her shaking her head. “I didn’t do anything. You did it. They just finally realized who you really were.” Hayden had always been her hero.
That was why it had hurt so much when he turned away.
I’m leaving, Jill.
Those words had locked her heart in ice.
His hand lifted and curled under her chin. “You never got it, did you?”
“Got what?”
“They were right about me. I knew it, deep inside. I saved you because I’m a selfish bastard. You were mine, and I wasn’t letting anyone take you away. Even back then, as young as I was, I looked at you, and I knew.”
She shook her head.
His thumb feathered lightly over her jaw. “You deserved so much better. I knew it. I left. I joined the navy because I wanted to be the man you deserved.”
Her eyes widened. “Hayden...that is such bull.”
He blinked. “What?”
“You think I didn’t know who you were?” Now her hand moved and pressed her fingers right over his heart. “In here? You think I didn’t know you heart deep? Soul deep? You were my lover, Hayden. And I always knew exactly who you were.” She paused, then said the truth she’d carried for so long. “You were mine.”
Then you broke my heart.
His jaw hardened. “I wanted to be the man you needed. Holding you back from your dreams...that wasn’t the way to go. I needed to prove myself.”
He’d never had anything to prove to her.
“I was going to be more than just his kid. I became more.”
A war hero. A man who’d battled mission after mission. An elite SEAL.
“The problem was...” Now his hand slid away from her cheek. “I learned I was far too good at a particular job.”
Her heartbeat seemed too loud in her ears. “What job was that?”
His dark gaze held hers. “Killing.”
* * *
LIGHTS WERE ON in Jillian West’s rental cabin. A blaze of lights that glowed in the night. He drove past the cabin, barely slowing. Now wasn’t the time. He had to think, had to plan. Jillian could not come back and wreck things. It just couldn’t happen.
She had to be stopped. If she went prying into the past, she’d destroy far too much. Too many lives were on the line.
She has to be stopped.
His headlights blazed ahead as he accelerated. He’d think of something. He’d handle this. After all, it was his turn to do the job. His turn to protect the family.
Jillian wouldn’t hurt anyone that he cared about. She wouldn’t destroy the life he’d built.
He wouldn’t let her.
Chapter Eight
I’m leaving.
Hayden stared up at the ceiling in Jill’s cabin. The wind seemed to howl outside and the little cabin creaked a bit on its wooden stilts. The ocean waves roared outside and he just remembered...
I’m leaving.
They’d been on the beach when he told her his goodbye. She stared up at him, her green eyes stark, her face going slack with pain and shock.
He’d done that. He’d hurt her. The one person who mattered most in the world.
She’d buried her grandmother when she was eighteen. She’d spent months settling her grandmother’s estate. She’d finally sold her grandmother’s home, she’d gotten enough money to pay for her college. She had big plans for getting into the FBI. For starting her life, their life but...
I had nothing to offer her. He’d known the truth in his heart. She’d deserved so much better.
Two different paths. Two different lives. He’d seen it so clearly. She’d needed to follow her dreams, and he’d needed to prove that he could be more than his father’s son. Needed to show that he was more than one act of courage on a desperate day.
He’d had to understand his own measure as a man. Had to see for himself. When he was pushed to the limit, what would he do?
But that day, standing on the beach, seeing Jill’s pain...it had broken something inside of him. Something that hadn’t mended right in all of the years since then.
Did she know...did she have any clue...that when he got leave back to the States, he’d always gone to her? Just to get a glimpse. Just to see her. Just to make sure she was all right.
Sounded stalkerish as all hell, he knew that. But he’d just needed to make sure she was happy. The world was better when Jillian was in it, he knew that fact for certain.
Once, he’d planned to approach her. He’d even gotten flowers. Lilacs, her favorites. He’d been going to her apartment in Atlanta but then he’d seen another man heading to her door. Another guy carrying lilacs. He’d thought Jill had moved on.
I won’t stand in her way.
So he’d slipped into the sh
adows. Gone on to another mission. But she’d always been there in his mind and in his heart. No matter where he went, she was there.
He’d discovered she was far more than just some boy’s crush. Not just a man’s obsession. She was everything.
And he’d lost her...all on his own. No one had needed to take her. He’d—
Her bedroom door opened with a soft click. Hayden surged upright, his body instantly on alert. “What’s wrong?” He leaped to his feet and hurried—unerringly—toward her in the dark. He’d always had good night vision. His hands reached out and curled around her arms. “What is it?”
“I still have bad dreams.” Her voice was soft, husky. “Sometimes, I just... I have trouble sleeping.”
He should let her go. She’d probably just come out for a glass of water or something and he’d practically jumped on her.
“You asked me before,” she continued quietly. “And, yes, I still have those dreams.”
So did he.
“But dreams didn’t keep me up tonight.”
Her skin was so smooth and soft beneath his touch.
“Fear kept me up.”
Hayden shook his head. “Jill, you don’t have to be afraid—”
But her soft laughter cut him off. “Everyone’s afraid sometimes. Even FBI agents. Even big, bad navy SEALs.”
He was still touching her. His fingers were lightly stroking her skin. Get a grip, man. Let the woman go.
“Do you know why I’m afraid tonight?”
Hayden cleared his throat. “I’m not going to let that guy get a second chance to—”
“I’m afraid that I’ve been numb for too long. Every case that I take—every victim I lose—the numbness grows more and more around me. I know I should feel more. I should be happy. Everyone should be happy, right? But I can’t get that way. There’s too much pain in the world. Too much darkness. I see it all around me, and I’m so tired of it.” She moved her body closer to his. Her hand rose and curled around his neck. “I don’t want to be numb any longer. For tonight, even if it’s fleeting, I want to feel.”
He was feeling plenty at that moment. Whenever she was close, the hunger he felt for her, the raw desire, was never far from the surface. But he needed her to be sure, because once they crossed this line...
There is no going back. Not for him.
Not for her.
Because he wouldn’t give her up again.
“When I’m with you, the numbness fades away. I feel anger, I feel bitterness...”
That wasn’t exactly sounding awesome.
“And I feel need. Desire.” Her voice softened even more. “I want you, just as much now as I always did. That want burns past the numbness. You make me feel again.” She rose onto her tiptoes and her body brushed against his. “Tonight, I want to be with you. Just tonight. A time to let everything else go and just...feel. Just be.”
He’d give her tonight. He’d give her a thousand nights if that was what she wanted. His lips took hers, softly at first because part of him was afraid this was just a dream. He’d had plenty of dreams about Jill over the years. She’d come to him like this, soft skin, husky voice, sweet desire. He’d locked his arms around her in those dreams. His lips had pressed to hers...
And she’d vanished.
He’d woken on old cots, woken in darkened tents, safe houses on the edge of hell...woken without her.
She tasted sweet. Her lips were soft, her tongue tempting him.
She wasn’t vanishing.
His hands slid down and locked around her hips. He brought Jill even closer to him, holding her tightly. The kiss deepened, hardened, and when she gave that faint moan in the back of her throat, the sexy sound that had always driven him wild, Hayden knew there was no turning back.
She wanted to feel? Wanted to lose the numbness around her? He’d make sure to give her more pleasure than she could stand. He’d give her every single thing that he had.
And it would just be the start for them.
Her breasts pressed against his chest. He’d ditched his shirt, and the soft cotton of her top was the only shield between them. Her nipples were tight, hard, and it had been far too long since he’d tasted them.
“Be sure,” Hayden gritted out as he pulled his mouth from hers. But then he just started kissing a path along her throat. She’d always liked that. “No going back...” This wasn’t a one-time thing for him. Jill would never be a one-night stand.
“Make love to me,” Jill said.
Hayden was lost.
He picked her up, held her so easily and took her back to the bed. A faint light glowed from her bathroom, spilling onto the bed. He put her down there, right in the middle of the covers. She wore a little black T-shirt and a pair of tiny gray shorts. The long expanse of her legs was revealed to him. She’d always had truly killer legs. He stood by the edge of the bed, staring down at her, and then he had to touch. His fingers trailed up her leg. Starting at her knee, moving up higher, sliding over her silky thigh.
He heard the hitch of her breathing and then Jill was parting her thighs for him. Trusting him so completely.
His arousal shoved against the front of his pants. He wanted to ditch those pants and get naked on that bed. He wanted to be in her. But Hayden was going to make sure Jill had more pleasure than she could stand. That night, with him, she would feel every moment. His fingers slid between her legs, caressing her so carefully through the soft fabric of her shorts. She arched her hips toward him. No hesitation, just trust.
The way it had always been between them.
Hayden’s gaze slid over her body. She was so perfect to him. Did she understand that? Every single inch of her had been burned into his brain. He remembered exactly what she liked, exactly how to touch her, where to touch her. How to drive her wild.
Jill wanted to feel? He’d make sure he gave her all that she needed.
His hand slid away from her.
“Hayden?”
“We’re going slowly.” Because he’d savor her. “It’s been a long time, and I need to touch all of you.” Every single inch. He reached down and caught the hem of her shirt. He pulled it over her head and tossed it into the corner of the room.
Her breasts were pebbled, hard peaks and thrust toward him. In the weak light, he couldn’t see her nipples clearly, but he remembered the soft pink hue. Hayden slid onto the bed. He bent over her and he touched her nipple with his fingers, a careful caress. Then he put his mouth on her nipple. Licking her, tasting her.
Not so careful, not with the desire firing his blood and every instinct he possessed ordering him to take.
She gave a little gasp and her fingers flew to curl around his arms. He liked the faint bite of her nails. Loved the way she held so tight to him.
But they were only getting started.
Hayden took his time with Jill. Licking, kissing, caressing her. He worshipped her breasts. Couldn’t get enough of her. She was whispering his name, her hips rocking against the long length of his arousal, but it wasn’t enough for him. He needed her to go wild.
Then he’d follow her.
Hayden’s hand slid down her body. He slipped down her shorts, moving so that she could kick them away. Her shorts and the thin scrap of underwear that she’d worn. Then he was touching her heated core. Soft, wet and ready. He nearly lost his damn mind.
“Hayden, I don’t want to wait.” Her voice was the purest temptation in the world. “It’s already been too long.”
Ten years too long. Ten years of memories and dreams. Ten years of being without her.
No more. He had her back in his arms next to him. He wasn’t letting go.
He stroked her delicate sex. Pushed her to a fever pitch of desire. Her hands slid over him. Touching him and amping up the dark need that surged withi
n him.
His mouth kissed a trail down her stomach. Down, down he went, driven to taste all of her. She smelled so good, felt so soft. Heaven in his arms. Heaven after too many years of hell.
He put his mouth on her, right on the center of her need, and Jill came apart for him. He felt her pleasure, heard it in her voice as her hips surged against him. There was no shyness, no restraint. Not between them. There was only pleasure.
And they were just getting started.
He kept stroking her, kept kissing her, as her climax crested. No one else was like Jill. No other woman had ever come close for him. She consumed him.
Was an addiction to him.
He eased back from her, still savoring her taste, and Hayden stared down at her. He wanted to sink deep into Jill, wanted to bury himself in her and erase the years of darkness that lay between them. “Don’t move,” he ordered, aware that his voice was gravel rough. His control was too thin. He was about to go over the edge any moment.
Have to protect her.
Always.
Hayden rose from the bed. He ditched his pants and underwear, then grabbed the wallet from his back pocket. He’d had an optimistic moment earlier and he had a condom with him. He put on the condom in pretty much record time and was back with her in an instant.
He positioned his length at the entrance to her body. His hands caught her hips and—
His gaze met hers. Her breath came in quick pants. Her body was open, waiting, his.
I need her to be mine again.
Because he’d never stopped belonging completely to Jill.
Hayden thrust into her, sinking deep, and his control shattered. Her legs wrapped around his hips, her nails scraped over his arms, and they drove toward completion. Faster, harder, she met him, thrust for thrust, her soft words urging him on. She licked his throat, kissing him just over the wild beat of his pulse point. She remembered what he liked. She—
Jill bit his earlobe. A quick, sexy nip. She whispered to him, dark and sexy promises, things they’d done, things they would do.
Her body was so tight and hot and he knew she could feel his release mounting, he couldn’t hold back.