Luke drew in his eyebrows and pushed away from the post. Emily took a step forward and put her hand on his forearm. Her fingers clenched the fine white fabric and she got a little thrill as the muscle hardened beneath her touch.
“Why is it so hard to say what I need to say?” he wondered aloud, putting his hand over hers. “I’ve said it a million times in my head, Em. Over and over again since you left.”
Emily looked up. In her heels she was only a few inches shorter than he was and impulsively she tipped up her face, touching her lips to his. “Then just tell me,” she whispered, meeting his gaze evenly. “I came all this way…”
“Yes, you did.” He smiled a little then. “You were always there when I needed you, Em. Right from the start. Until I sent you away. I kept looking for your car to drive up the lane because somehow you always seemed to know what I needed. But you didn’t come.”
“You made it all too clear in those last hours that I wasn’t needed at all.”
“It’s completely my fault.” He cupped her jaw with a wide hand. “I’m the one who forced you to leave.”
“You didn’t force me anywhere. I left because you made it clear you were not interested in pursuing anything further. And because my own feelings were already involved.”
She could give him that much. She did want to tell him how she felt, but he was the one who had asked her here. He was the one who’d said he had something to tell her. Whatever it was, she wanted him to get it off his chest.
His gaze warmed as he looked down at her. “I know they were,” he said quietly. “It was why I needed to stop what was happening between us before it went too far. I needed to push you away so I didn’t have to face things. I didn’t tell you everything, Em, that night on the hill. I held back the real reason why I promised never to let myself get too close to anyone. And I hurt you because I was too afraid to say it out loud. If I didn’t say it, there was still part of me that could deny it.”
“Then tell me now,” she replied, gripping his hand, drawing it down to her side. “I’m here. I’m listening.”
“It’s more than I deserve.”
“It’s not. You gave me—us—so much while we were here.” Emily took a deep breath, gathering her courage. “I fell in love with you, Luke.”
The blue depths of his eyes got suddenly bright. “Don’t say that, Em…”
“And as often as you looked for me to come back, I waited for the phone to ring. Hoping it would be you. I promised myself if I got another chance, I’d tell you how I felt. Because you need to understand. I vowed I would never love anyone again after what I’d been through. I swore I would never put Sam through anything like that ever again. And I fell for you so hard, so fast, it was terrifying.”
He pulled her close, his hands encircling her back and she closed her eyes. For weeks she’d despaired of ever feeling his arms around her again. Now she hung on as if she would never let go.
All too soon he pushed her away. “I can’t,” he said, running a hand over his closely cropped hair. “I can’t do this. Please Em…let’s sit.”
She sat on the plush cushion of the porch swing, the springs creaking as he sat beside her and put his elbows on his knees. It had taken all she had to say the words and she was glad she had. For a brief, beautiful moment she had thought it was all going to be okay. But he kept pushing her away because of this…something that he still kept hidden inside. “I think you’d better just come out with it,” she suggested. “Whatever it is, I can take it, Luke.”
“Did you know there’s a hereditary component to Dad’s disease?”
Light began to glimmer as she realized what he was saying, and what he wasn’t. Why hadn’t she considered he’d be afraid he’d get it, too? “No. No, I didn’t know that. It must be a worry for you.”
Luke twisted his fingers around and around. “Sometimes early onset is completely random. But sometimes it’s not. My father was fifty-three, Emily. At a time when my friends’ fathers were going to graduations and giving away brides, my dad was forgetting who his children were, getting lost on roads he’d travelled most of his life. He should never have been around machinery or livestock—looking back, it’s amazing something didn’t go drastically wrong sooner. He could have killed us all that night if the smoke detectors hadn’t been working. And I bore the brunt of it, don’t you see? I resented it and felt guilty about it. Now he’s gone, and it’s a relief. Not because I wanted him to die, but because…”
His voice broke. “Because he was already gone and we simply spent the last years hoping for crumbs. That might be me down the road, and I won’t do that to a family. I won’t put them through what I went through. The pain and guilt and awful duty of caring for someone like that.”
“Luke…”
“No, let me finish. I didn’t turn you away because I didn’t care about you. It’s because I care too much to see you destroyed by having to go through what I went through.”
She swallowed against the lump in her throat. He wasn’t saying he didn’t love her. He was putting her first, trying to keep her safe, and it made her want to weep. “Shouldn’t that be my choice, Luke?”
“You don’t know what you’re asking.” His voice was suddenly sharp and his eyes glittered at her. “Emily…” He put his head in his hands for a moment, taking a deep breath, collecting himself.
“How can you say no to something when you aren’t even sure?” She felt him slipping away and fought to keep him there, in the moment with her. “There are no guarantees in this life, Luke. Are you willing to sacrifice your happiness for something that might or might not happen?” She paused. Put her hand on his knee and squeezed. “Are you willing to sacrifice my happiness, and Sam’s? Because we both love you. We love you and we love this farm.”
“Don’t make it any harder than it has to be.”
“Too late.” She surprised herself with the strength of her voice. “It’s already done. Look at me.”
His gaze struck hers and she forged ahead. “You cannot keep me from loving you, Luke. I already do. Turning me away now won’t prevent me from being hurt.”
“I’m doing this for you!” Luke sprang off the seat and went to the verandah railing, gripping it with his fingers. “I’m thirty years old. I might only have a few years left before symptoms…before…”