The boat docked and the passengers disembarked. Tomas and Sophia shed their life jackets and Sophia stepped away to the trail. The ground felt as though it was shifting beneath her feet. Without saying a word, Tomas took her hand and they began the hike through the rain forest that would take them back to the parking lot. She followed blindly, one step after the other, going slowly until all the others of their party pulled away and they were left behind.
A side path opened up and Tomas led her down it, until they stood at an outcrop overlooking the falls, the roar now a distant hum. He shed the pack and turned to her, holding out his arms. She went into them, and the numbness that had sustained her through the Zodiac ride and walk fled, making room for the painful pins and needles of recirculation as her feelings came rushing back. She didn’t realize she was crying until she heard Tomas say “Shhhh” into her hair, and she took great gulps of air, trying to regain control.
“Sophia, please don’t cry.” His voice was rough with emotion. “Please, Sophia. You tear me apart when you cry.”
He cared about her that much? She closed her eyes, inhaling his scent that was man and water and fresh air and knowing it was a smell she’d always associate with security. She was safe here, in Tomas’s arms.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I didn’t mean to cry.”
His hand cupped the back of her head, stroking her hair.
“If I had known about the boat…I never would have suggested it, querida. I’m so sorry. Why didn’t you say anything?”
She sniffled, and pushed out of his arms just enough that she could look up at him—she didn’t want to be out of his embrace completely. “I thought I needed to face it. I wanted to show you I could be brave.” Her lip trembled again but she stopped it. “It wasn’t the boat, Tomas. It was…”
She took in a great breath and let it out again. “It was the way I’ve lived my whole life, and I’m so tired of it. I’m tired of being scared. I’m tired of being afraid.”
“Afraid of what?” He placed a finger under her chin. “Sophia, I would keep you safe. You must know that. I would do anything to keep you out of harm’s way.”
Her heart gave a solid thump at the assurance in his voice. “I know, Tomas, I know.” She put her hand on the side of his face and looked up into the eyes that seemed to see her so well. “Don’t you see? I could only face it because I had you. And because deep down I knew that no matter what I did, you would be there. Because you are Tomas. Because that is what you do.”
She thought she saw pain flash through his eyes before he lowered his lashes, but when he lifted them again his gaze was clear. “What is it that frightened you so much? I looked over and your face was white. And you were crying. But Sophia, you never cry. Not when you showed up at the estancia by mistake. Not even when you fell off the horse. Talk to me, Sophia.”
She led him to a bench on the side of the viewpoint and they sat down. Sophia kept her leg pressed against his, needing to feel close to him. “I should never have been angry about you keeping secrets. You were right, Tomas. I haven’t told you everything, either. I’ve never talked about this before,” she whispered. “But I need to now. I need to because I want to stop feeling this way.”
He squeezed her hand, the only encouragement she needed.
“When I was eight, my father and mother separated. My mother had never been really happy, but when Dad was gone she was really bitter. She made a point of sending me to the right schools and she worked long hours to make sure we had a nice house in a good neighbourhood. But she really didn’t see me. I never understood how he could have left us like that. But when I asked about seeing my dad she never answered my questions. It all went wrong when he left, and I would go to bed at night just wishing he’d come back.”
She took Tomas’s hand in hers, ran her fingers over the work-worn fingertips and strong muscles of his wrist. He had reliable hands. She lifted it to her lips and kissed the spot at the base of his thumb before continuing on.
“We were staying at a cottage in Muskoka the next summer. It was beautiful, but I was so lonely. I hadn’t seen my dad in months and I didn’t know any of the kids there. I didn’t want mom to see me cry—she hated when I did—so I hid in the basement. I thought I’d be left alone there to have my cry in private.
“Someone went out and they locked the cellar door before they left. I couldn’t get out. I had left the door open a crack for light, but once it was shut, there was nothing but blackness.
“I cried to get out. I banged on the door but no one heard. I heard them calling for me, but then the voices went away.” Sophia suppressed a shudder, determined to tell him everything. He needed to understand. Someone needed to understand—she was so tired of being alone. And he had been wrong. She did trust in him.
“I sat in the dark for four hours. Nothing but the sound of my own breathing, and the scratch of insects on the walls. But I lost it completely when the spiders got in my hair. I started crying again, and it was a neighbour who heard me screaming and opened the basement door.”
“Oh, Sophia,” Tomas said, holding her close. “So the morning you saw the wolf spider…”
“I know it is childish, but I’ve never gotten over my fear of them. Every time I see one I feel it crawling along my scalp.”
He pressed a kiss to her temple and she sighed, sinking into him. “That’s not the worst part though, Tomas. My mother was livid. She yelled at me for playing dangerous games, told me how terrible we looked to our hosts now—you have to understand this was a very affluent area with big summer homes. We looked bad. That was her big concern. And then she said…she said…”
Even now it stung. Sophia knew it was a horribly wrong and untruthful thing for her mother to say, and that it had been done in the heat of panic. Margaret had apologized later, but the damage had been done nonetheless. “She said I was so much trouble it was no wonder my father had left.”
Tomas said something in Spanish she didn’t understand, but his tone was dark and angry.
“Being at Vista del Cielo with you—it showed me that all my life I’ve been afraid. Scared that if I didn’t do what was expected of me, she’d leave, too. She was all I had left. So I went to the right schools and socialized with the right people and did the right job. Antoine was the ‘right’ sort of man—well positioned, well-liked, with a shining future. And I’d been doing what I was told for so long that I was the perfect wife for him.”
“Until you caught him with his mistress.” Tomas smiled a little, and Sophia couldn’t help it. She found herself smiling back.
“Yes. That was the deal-breaker. That was the beginning of me finding who I was, rather than who everyone else wanted me to be. Looking back, I can see that my mom only wanted security for me. She wanted for me what she didn’t have for herself. It’s just not what I want.”
“And that is why you were so angry that I didn’t tell you about the estancia.”
“Someone else has been in control of my life for so long, it felt as though you were manipulating me, only letting me see what you wanted to, rather than the real Tomas. And that hurt. Because I was really starting to care for you.”