“Thanks. Hey, got any milk or cream for this?”
She’d forgotten he liked his coffee light, and before she could move he’d gone to the fridge, making himself at home as he had the last several times he’d visited. But when he turned around, his face dropped and she realized she’d left the pregnancy test box on the counter.
He put the mug down very quietly.
“Bran, I—”
“Are you pregnant?”
The way he said those three words sent her heart straight to her feet. He made it sound as if the world were truly ending. The last time she’d heard that exact tone, Ana had taken her hand and said, “I have cancer.”
Bran was so repulsed by the idea that it wasn’t just undesirable. It was a world-ending scenario.
She wanted to say something, but the words wouldn’t come together in her mind, let alone out of her mouth. Bran’s lips tightened and he picked up the box. “You told me you were on the pill. I bought condoms to double up. And now you’re pregnant? I told you I don’t want more children. I was very, very clear about that.”
His voice wasn’t angry. It was worse. It was surgically precise, almost emotionless. She understood he didn’t want more kids. She understood that came from grief and that it was his right. He’d been honest from the start. But she also knew that it had taken two of them, and right now it certainly felt as if any blame would have fallen on her, rather than be shared, and that made her angry.
Her voice shook as she replied. “If I were pregnant, we would both bear responsibility. But I’m not, so don’t worry, Branson. You’re off the hook. You can start breathing again.”
“Oh, thank God.”
He sounded so relieved that tears stung the backs of her eyes. “Would it have been so bad?” she snapped. “Would me being pregnant be the worst thing in the world to happen?”
He stepped back at the vitriol in her voice. “No. The worst thing in the world to happen is losing a child.”
Dammit. Silence fell, harsh and thick. Of course it was. She wasn’t that insensitive, even though she’d lashed out. “I’m sorry, Bran. Of course you’re right. I didn’t mean to...” She didn’t know what to say after that. “Look, I’ll be honest with you. The night we stayed in Halifax... I forgot to take my pill the next day. I didn’t have my period this week on schedule, so I got tests this morning just in case.”
“But you’re not pregnant.”
“No.” She lifted her chin a little. “But I think this whole thing, the idea with the ground rules, the summer fling with us going our separate ways with a smile was a little disingenuous on both our parts. I don’t think this is going to work anymore.”
He blinked. Opened his mouth to say something, then shut it again. Then opened it again, and hesitated. “Jess, I like being with you. You’ve brought me back to life, you see? I’m writing. I’m looking toward a future rather than drifting aimlessly. We don’t have to break it off. We can revise the ground rules—”
“No,” she said, firmer now. “No, we can’t. Bran, there are two things you don’t want. You don’t want more children, and you don’t want to fall in love. But you see, I do want children someday. And I fell in love. I know that’s breaking a rule, but I also know it’s a deal breaker anyway. I’m in love with you, and I can’t go through the rest of the summer pretending I’m not, only to break up at the end after I get in even deeper.” She tried to ignore the catch in her voice. “I don’t want to be left again, so we have to do this now.”
“Jess,” he whispered, running a hand over his face.
“Tell me you haven’t been thinking the same thing. In the beginning you couldn’t wait to rush over here, to steal moments together. But after the trip to the island earlier this week, you sent one text saying you were hanging with Cole. The three of you are tight, but you guys didn’t come over here, and you certainly didn’t steal away for a stolen hour. You’re scared. So let’s be honest, okay? I can’t see you anymore. It’s too hard.”
“Yeah, I’ve been thinking the same thing. So what? Listen, we don’t have to have sex...”
The tears behind her eyes sprang forward and trickled down her cheeks. “Is that what it’s been to you? Sex? I don’t believe it. Oh, Lord, Bran, this goes so much further than sex. It’s about my heart, don’t you see? Just being with you, holding your hand, listening to your voice...it all does stuff to me. Intimacy isn’t all about the bedroom.”
“I know that. Do you think I don’t know that? Don’t you think that’s what I miss about Jennie every day?”
It was his turn to snap, and she swallowed against the growing lump in her throat. It was always going to come down to Jennie, wasn’t it? Maybe he didn’t compare her to his dead wife when they were together, but he certainly wasn’t over her. He didn’t want to love again, couldn’t love again, because he couldn’t let Jennie go.
She couldn’t do this anymore. “I’m going to give Tori and Jeremy my notice and go back to my loft in Chicago. My agent is clamoring to do a showing, and I have more than enough work to keep me busy. And you have a book to write.”
He came around the counter and took her hand, then lifted his other hand and wiped a tear off her cheek with his thumb. The contact felt so wonderful and sad. After today she wouldn’t hear the sound of his voice again, or feel the pad of his thumb, or be able to run her hands through his shaggy locks. She’d be going back to Chicago alone, to the loft she’d shared with Ana, fighting against emptiness all over again. For the briefest of moments, she wished the test had been positive just so she’d have company in that huge empty space. A baby wouldn’t leave her. And Bran wasn’t leaving her, either. But she was quickly learning that it didn’t matter who did the leaving. It all hurt.
“I don’t want us to leave things this way,” he whispered. “Not angry and hurting. What we’ve been to each other deserves more than that.”
It did, except she was having a hard time moving past the sound of his voice and the hard lines of his face when he’d seen the test box. It left a sour taste that she couldn’t quite wish away.
“It does hurt. But I’ll be fine. I always am, you see. And we did have a good time, we truly did. It’s just time.”
He nodded. “Can I kiss you one more time?”