“Help me, Luca!” Valeria becomes more and more panicked, but I can’t see her. All I see is white. Snow covers everything. The trees, the houses that seem to be miles away, the ground, and the ice I’m standing on.
I look down at myself, my brows wrinkling. Why am I wearing my hockey uniform?
“LUCA!” Valeria shouts and suddenly, I see her. She’s underneath the ice at my feet. For a moment, I’m stunned. Her long brown hair is floating around angrily in the water, her eyes full of fear as she pounds against the ice. “Save me! Hurry!”
The water begins to darken around her, and I start moving again. I fall to my knees, my bare hands running over the ice. How do I get her out? Suddenly, as Valeria’s panic heightens, the ice starts to form points that cut my hands.
“Save me, Luca, please,” she begs as she stops pounding, her voice softening. With fisted hands, I hit the ice. Blood pours from the cuts. I can’t save her without hurting myself. I don’t care. I have to save her. I have to.
I quickly glance around for help, but it’s only me. Valeria’s eyes close and I hit the frozen water harder. “No! Valeria!” She begins to sink as the water turns red. When I can no longer see her, the ice begins to crack. It’s too late, though. She’s gone. Still, I slam my fits down until I reach the water beneath. I submerge my arms into the water, my arms numbing almost immediately.
“Valeria!” I scream, searching for her, hoping to grab onto something. I can’t feel anything. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” I repeat over and over as I sit up, staring at the murky water. I don’t save her.
I wake up sweating and breathing heavily. When I glance to my left, I realize I’m not at home, but in the hotel room. My heart seems to take forever to slow back down. It’s been a while since I’ve had a nightmare and Hadley could always help me calm down quickly. We would lie on our sides facing one another and she would hold my hand over her heart so I could feel its normal pace while she ran her fingers over my beard and along my jaw.
This morning, all I have is a heart ramming against my chest and sweaty hands. I rub my eyes as if I can rub away all the emotions the nightmare has left me with. When I check the time, it’s forty minutes before my alarm will go off. Might as well get up. I dress and head down to the gym for my morning run. Who knew I’d miss fixing Hadley her morning latte?
My morning drags by as my nightmare hangs over my head. I feel sluggish through the morning practice, which isn’t good. I need to focus on my priority right now. Hockey. We’ve been doing well, having made it to the third round to play against the Indiana Mustangs. All games are extremely important, including the one tonight. I don’t need to think about anything else.
“Hey, are you all right?” James asks as we gather our things after practice to leave.
“Yeah,” I nod.
“Okay.” He shrugs and lets it go. “Are you coming to lunch? I think almost everyone is going.”
“Yeah, I am.”
I ride with him to the restaurant, lost in thought. Once we arrive and are seated, the guys are chattering when a teammate, Andre, silences the entire table with his words to me.
“Hey, congrats on the kid, Luca. My wife and I ran into Hadley this morning at the OB/GYN when we went for our next ultrasound.”
“Hadley’s pregnant?” James questions from next to me, surprised as everyone else seems to be.
“Yeah, she is.”
“That’s great! Congrats!” Those two phrases start pouring in from the other guys.
I force a smile and nod. I try not to think about what possible excuse Hadley may or may not have given them as to why I wasn’t there. I try to ignore the guilt that attempts to creep in. My stress levels rise because I’m not going to be able to avoid any questions about this in the future.
Thankfully, conversation shifts. I do more listening than talking. The waitress has started to bring out our meals when my phone buzzes in my back pocket. I pull it out, intending to only do a quick check, but I see that it’s a text from Hadley. I’m so not prepared for her message, which has a picture of the ultrasound attached.
Hadley: I’m 12 weeks, don’t know what we are having, due Dec 12
What kind of reaction is she expecting from me? Because I don’t really have one. I don’t tap the picture to look at it and I decide not to reply. This isn’t information I really need to know, given our situation.
After that, I officially zone out. We end up being gone longer than I thought we would be. There’s enough time for me to run to the hotel, change, and make it back. Faintly, I wonder if Hadley will be at the game tonight, but then I realize it would be absurd to expect her to show up.
My phone has been burning a hole in my pocket all afternoon. A glance at my watch shows me that I have a moment before I need to get going. Before I can change my mind, I pull up Hadley’s text and tap on the picture before zooming in to attempt to see better. Hadley’s stupid phone takes terrible pictures. I huff in frustration at the bad quality.
It doesn’t matter, does it? I don’t want any part of it and looking wasn’t a good idea. My mind needs to be on hockey right now.
Chapter Eleven
Hadley
I’m fat.
I’m so damn fat.