Their first real live performance before their schedule exploded all over the place. This performance would be what everyone judged them on.
The fact that it was live stressed me out, not because they hadn’t already done it but because behind the scenes, I knew every single move that stressed the members out.
So, watching it was extra nerve-wracking.
The outfits were a bit different.
Everyone was in black.
They all had a red lip gloss on with dark eye makeup and contacts in making them look other-worldly.
Sookie was doing jumping jacks next to me.
Rae was doing push-ups.
Lucas was pacing, color me shocked.
Jay was staring at his phone like it was pissing him off.
And Kai was flirting with Solia.
Even though she was attempting not to look like she was responding, I could feel their sexual tension from where I was standing ten feet away.
Lucas still wasn’t talking to me.
And I figured he’d just written me off almost the same way he’d decided he was interested. Maybe he was one of those guys who could just bury their emotions and choose to feel when they wanted to.
Whatever.
I couldn’t babysit both his feelings and mine, not when I was so stressed out my chest hurt.
“Five minutes,” Uncle Siu announced as he walked into the room rubbing his hands together. He spoke in Korean next.
I imagined he was asking if everyone was ready.
I gave them their space and walked backstage, where Dae-Jung was already standing, looking ready to puke.
“You okay?” I asked.
He waved me off. “A lot is riding on this comeback.”
“Please don’t remind me; I might need to go buy more Tums.”
“Tums?”
“How long have you been away from the States?” I joked. “Antacids. I’m probably going to go down in history for the youngest girl to get ulcers after this job is over.”
“It should be fine.” His handsome face truly had paled.
I elbowed him. “Jay’s gonna kill it.”
He relaxed a bit, his smile secretive, proud. “He always does.”
“So?”
“Let me be outrageously extra right now, okay?” His eyes met mine. “Did you sleep last night?
Ugh, Kai had asked the same thing, followed by Sookie pointing at my eyes—that was fun—and Jay then offering to give me his eye cream, and lastly, Rae telling me to go sit like I was eighty.
Lucas?
Didn’t give a shit.
“Yeah,” I exhaled. “I slept horribly, thanks for asking.”
“Anything I can do to help?”
“No.” I wanted to punch something, then looked up at him. “Actually yes, can you answer something for me?”
“Maybe?” He laughed awkwardly, adjusting his black suit jacket. Did the guy always dress up? “What’s the question?”
“The pressure here…” I tried to think about how to word it. “It seems more intense than in Hollywood, like in a different way, I was researching last night, fell down a rabbit hole, so I guess I was just curious, say you get caught with weed—“
He slapped a hand over my mouth.
Well, that was my answer.
He quickly pulled away and shook his hand. “Sorry.”
“Wow, okay, so say that happens, and you didn’t even smoke it, and you got it legally from California, used recreationally, but it got out that you did that while filming. What happens to you?”
He snorted and looked away. “Good luck ever working again in Seoul.”
“But—”
“There are no buts, Grace. It’s not legal here, so it doesn’t matter. The rules don’t apply.”
I frowned. “What about rehab or therapy.”
He laughed, actually laughed. “Oh, you’re serious?”
“Yeah, mental health is clearly a huge issue.”
“No. It’s not,” he said plainly. “Because if you don’t talk about it, it doesn’t exist…right?”
“That may be the saddest thing I’ve ever heard,” I whispered.
“The truth hurts.” He sighed. “The pressure isn’t just being good at what you do—it’s being perfect. God forbid you don’t go to church, say your prayers, get high ratings on every drama, or lots of views on your song, or hey, if you’re not famous, high ratings at your job while you turn in your headshot and work over forty hours a week…” He trailed off. “I’m not complaining because it’s different. Everything is competitive, and that’s okay. What’s not okay is when you feel like you can’t do it and don’t feel like you can ask for help when you’re drowning.”
We had a minute before the guys would be on stage. “And what do you do? When you’re drowning?”
He was quiet for so long I figured he hadn’t heard me, and then he said, “I call Jay. He’s my life raft. Every. Time.”
I put my hand on my chest. It was beautiful. I suddenly had a vision of them together, actually together. It was beautiful.
“Give me that look again, and I’m gonna cry,” he joked. “We have less than sixty seconds left. Let’s hope they nail it like they always do.”
I nodded. “They will.” I reached for his hand and squeezed it.
He squeezed back before dropping mine.