Mooooom!!!
OMG! OMG! OMG!
Winner of the definition of is is contest is Candace Worthy! Just hit me back babe and we'll get you all sorted!
I just
got back from going to the gym with my mom. Ya, like my mom may be 63, but she like still goes to the gym like everyday. And will look at me with hands on her hips if I’m like no I’m too sleepy. So we start by doing stretches and then we do yoga, and then we have a Pilates class and then both of us on the StairClimber and then we both are on the treadmill. Seriously, wtf. Like I like working out, but at like 9 am on a Saturday morning? Please!
But that’s not the worst part.
The worst part is sitting in the little café area that they have having a smoothie and engaging in my mom’s definition of “girl talk” which is her asking questions as I cringe. Here is today’s snippet:
Mom: So, Alexis, I’m SO glad you’re gonna be here for a few weeks!
Alexis: Awww, me too Mom! But you know, I can come over anytime! With my new job I can work from anywhere!
Mom: I’m not worried about you working! I’m worried about grandbabies! When am I gonna see some?
Alexis: (rolling eyes) Moooom…we talked about this and I want kids too eventually but it’s gotta be with the right guy. I don’t wanna have to go back on match.com like 8 years down the line because the first one didn’t work out. It’s also a legal hassle.
Mom: Only you would think about legal things when we’re talking about guys! You should be thinking about their bodies!
Alexis: Oh my God! Can we not talk about guys and their bodies?
Mom: What? I’m sure you like looking at men’s bodies. Especially if they have that V.
Alexis: Mother!
Mom: Makes you wonder what it leads to and how big a package they have.
Alexis: Mom!!!! STOP IT!
Mom: Oh grow up. I’ve been paying for your birth control pills since high school. I’m sure you know all about sex.
Alexis: (sulking) I just wish I was having more of it sometimes.
Mom: Oh. You and that Highway guy not working out?
Alexis: Freeway. And no. He sorta had some issues.
Mom: Like what?
Alexis: (takes a chance opening up to Mom, even though it might be awkward) Well, he uhm…liked wearing women’s underwear.
Mom: Yeah, but was he able to find your clit at least?
Alexis: (passes out from embarrassment)
I mean it just didn't stop. My mom asked to see what I had on my reading list, since I'm an "expert". I showed her what my smut sister Jess Bentley has been working on and stood there in embarrassment as she read the blurb. Then said she was off to go download it while my Dad was at golf.
Hugs and kisses and lots of love,
Alexis
Sexting
Me So Horny...