“No more water. You’ve already had a glass. If you have any more, you’ll pee straight through your diaper.”
“But… water.”
His lip began to tremble, and I scooped the two-year old up into my arms. I needed to get his tantrum away from Hadley before he woke her, and I knew it was coming. The tears would start before his legs started to kick, and then he’d escalate to screaming if I still didn’t give him what he wanted.
“Water,” he said, sniffling.
“Not this late,” I said.
“Water, Uncle Evan!” he exclaimed.
“Sorry, buddy, no more water.”
The crying struck up just as I got him into his room, and I shut the door behind me to mute it. I slid the boy back into bed just as his legs started flailing, and I did what I could to tuck him back in. Liam’s cries echoed off the corners of the room, and I prayed they didn’t wake Hadley. These were the times I was still out of my element, still in uncharted waters. Every time I thought I had it down with these kids, something changed, and I didn’t know how to react. I felt the stress of the moment overwhelming my body, and my hands began to shake.
It was times like these that I could still taste those pills on my tongue.
“I want water!”
“Nope.”
“Water!”
“This is not how we get things we want, Liam. You know this,” I said.
“Water! Water! Water!”
I heard Hadley’s cry coming from her room. I groaned and looked up at the ceiling, wondering how in the world I was going to get Liam to calm down without losing my shit. I got up from his bed and walked toward the door, letting him simply throw his tantrum while I went and checked on the baby.
And still, my hands were shaking.
My addiction to painkillers hadn’t been instant. In fact, it hadn’t really grabbed me by the throat until I’d gotten my I.T. company off the ground. I started the company with just myself and my right-hand man, Ted. I was the creative mind, while Ted was the coder, and together we tackled the world of technology. What started out as a basic security firm had blossomed into a corporation that designed security software for smart-homes. Over the course of a few years, we grew exponentially, and when the stress of it all became too much, and my long work hours in front of the desk resulted in throbbing pain, I started drinking more than I should have. I quickly realized that I couldn’t keep that up, if I didn’t want it to be obvious. Showing up to the office smelling like a distillery wasn’t exactly practical. Remembering how good painkillers made me feel after my injury, I sought them out again as a way to deal with the stress of my daily life.
It was easy at first. I went into the doctor complaining about my old back injury, and he wrote me a prescription without so much as a second thought. After that, I just had to come up with lie after lie to get the refills. I slept the wrong way, or I overdid it at the gym; whatever would get the doc to sign the script. And if he hesitated, I’d find another doctor. I was balls-deep in my addiction before I knew what was happening. Ted, however, hadn’t been as easily fooled; nor had my former fiancée. Eventually, our relationship was the price I had to pay for my habit.
“Come here, sweet girl. What’s going on?”
I picked Hadley up and held her close to my chest. Already, I could hear Liam winding down, effectively tuckering himself out with his tantrum. I bounced Hadley in my arms while she nestled against my chest, tears flowing down her face. She was now over-tired and pissed, so I started singing her the song I always did whenever she kicked up like this.
“You are my Hadley, my only Hadley. You make me happy when skies are gray. You never know, Hadley, how much I love you. Please don’t take my Hadley away.”
Repeatedly, I sang the song and, the more I sang it, the more she settled down. After pacing with her for a few minutes, she was finally snoozing against my chest. I laid her back down and covered her with her blanket, making sure she wouldn’t get cold tonight. Winter was setting in, and the snow would start dumping soon, which meant I needed to keep the kids warm and bundled at all times.
I peeked into Liam’s room one last time before I shut the door, smiling at the sleeping boy whose leg was hanging off the bed.
I quietly made my way out to the living room and flopped down on the couch. I had an open beer waiting for me.
Hell yes.
I couldn’t wait to feel it pour down my throat. My hands were shaking, and I was taking deep breaths, trying to quell the stress levels rising in my body. A body filled with toxic memoirs of the past.
How can a man like me be fit to parent?
I can’t even fucking care for myself?
Then, as I grabbed the beer and brought it to my lips, my mind rushed back to another moment of torment, in the conference room of the tech company I built from the ground up. It was the same scene I had repeating in my head thousands of times over, like a broken record.
A tiny part of me was ready to move on, to leave the past where it belonged and accept the teachings, but that part was crushed by the fuming alpha inside that refused to give in. He didn’t believe in forgive and forget. He preferred to hold a grudge, even if it would eat him up like a fucking parasite, from the inside out.