“Jesus, Callie, it’s not your fault,” Katie gripes under her breath.
“Katie—” Jeff cautions as the vehicle comes to a stop.
“Sorry. I’m just on edge. I’ll be back,” Katie says getting out of the van.
“I’ll… I’ll just go join her,” I mumble, not looking at Jeff or Mitch. I jump out and follow behind Katie. I catch up to her as she goes into the restroom. There’s no one else in there, and I’m at least grateful for that. I know what’s coming next, and I’d rather no one else be around.
“Why do you always do that, Callie?”
“Katie—”
“Mitch is an asshole, and he treats you like shit. You don’t need to take that! I don’t understand.”
“It’s complicated. We’re married. He loves me, Katie. We just…”
“I haven’t seen love from Mitch, Callie. I’m not even sure he’s capable of that emotion. It’s too human for him.”
“We’re both dealing with the loss of Ryan. He was really good to me while I was pregnant, Katie. We have a lot to work through. He blames me for losing Ryan.”
“That’s rich. You wouldn’t have fallen if he had fixed the damn banister to begin with,” she responds, clearly not willing to give an inch.
“It was no one’s fault, Katie. Heck, I was just as much at fault for going out without proper shoes for the weather.”
Even as I say the words, I don’t believe them. It’s all my fault. I’m the sole reason my son isn’t alive. That’s why Mitch is so mad at me, and I can’t blame him. I hate myself for it. Dr. S. tries to convince me that I’m not to blame, but in this, he doesn’t truly understand. I knew better, and yet, I did it. It wasn’t Mitch who made me wear prettier shoes that day. It wasn’t Mitch who made that stupid decision and destroyed everything.
It was me.
Katie lets out a ragged breath.
“Losing your baby is not your fault, Callie. I wish I knew what to do to make you believe that. I miss my friend.”
“I’m right here,” I tell her, pasting on a fake smile.
“Yeah, you’re here, miserable, barely eating and getting so skinny that I swear I can see your ribs.”
“Katie—”
“And I’m not even going to mention the dark bags under your eyes that look like you’ve packed enough in them to survive the Alaskan winters for ten years.”
“Wow, I sound hideous. Are you sure you want to be seen with me tonight, Katie?” I laugh.
“You know I do,” she says, pulling me into a hug and holding me close. “I’m sorry, Callie. I’m just really worried about you.”
“I’m fine. I swear. You worry about me too much. Let’s just do what we can to make Mitch happy so we can all enjoy tonight, please?”
“I still can’t believe he agreed to come. I know he and Reed don’t talk at all these days,” she answers, pulling away. I see the worry in her eyes, but I try to ignore it.
“Yeah, I’m surprised, too, but I’m glad. I’m hoping tonight will be the fresh start that we all need,” I confide, trying to find the optimism that I had felt earlier.
“I think you’re crazier than a Bessie bug, but I’ll try to watch my mouth around Mitch,” she says, making me laugh.
“You’re starting to sound like your grandmother.”
She smiles. “I know.”
“She still telling you that you need to marry Jeff?”
“You know it,” she laughs. “Every single day. I suppose she’s right and I should marry him. It’s just…”
“You love him, don’t you, Katie?”
“I do. I truly do. I mean, I don’t love him like I loved Jake. It’s different. But he’s a good guy. He’s good to me, Callie. He’s also amazing with Lennon. I mean, I do love him. How could I not?”
“But?” I ask, sensing there’s something she’s not saying out loud.
“Shouldn’t I love Jeff the way I loved his brother if I marry him? Am I cheating him from finding that fire that I used to have for Jake? I don’t want to shortchange Jeff. He’s the best guy I’ve ever known, Callie. He deserves so much, and I don’t want to be the reason he doesn’t get that.”
“Maybe you’re worrying too much? Maybe you should stop judging your relationship with Jeff with what you had in the past. We’re not kids anymore. You know?”
“Yeah… I know. How about we get out of this restroom before Jeff comes and hunts us down. He worries.”
“Sounds good. Did you warn Reed that Mitch and I were coming tonight?” I ask her, wringing my hands together, betraying my nerves.
“Yeah, I thought that might be smart, Callie…”
“What did he say?”
“He read the text, but didn’t respond…”
“That sounds about right. Maybe we should do something else?” I suggest worriedly.
“Will you stop? It’s going to be okay. Reed won’t do anything, Callie. He loves you.”