“Dad, stop it.” What the hell is he talking about? “You’re scaring me. What’s going on?” Growing up he and I were close. After Mom left us when I was a kid, I used to spend every afternoon after school in his office, coloring or doing homework in the corner and listening to him wheel and deal over the phone. I told myself that when I was older, I’d be just like him.
But then one day it all stopped. He said it wasn’t professional to have his daughter at work like that even though he’d never had a problem with it before. He used to show me off to all his coworkers and brag about my good grades to anyone who would listen. But then a nanny started picking me up from school and taking me home to our huge and incredibly empty Manhattan apartment.
Most days Dad tried to get home in time for dinner and to help me with my homework afterwards if I needed it. We always still did the Sunday crossword together… but it was never quite the same. And then cue the pitched battles when I was looking at colleges and started talking about working at the family company. Which was when he dropped the big ‘ole bomb that Van Bauer & Sons meant exactly that… sons. No girls allowed.
“Honey,” he finally looks at me and devastation is clearly written all over his face—dropped brows, dark circles under his eyes, “you don’t know how hard I’ve worked to keep this from ever touching you.” He sinks down onto the couch behind him and clutches his head in his hands. “But no matter how hard I worked to keep it all afloat, I just kept getting in deeper and deeper.”
Is he talking about the Ponzi scheme? I’ve asked him, of course I’ve asked him why he did it. How he could have been so stupid… well, I didn’t word it like that, exactly, but still.
“Why, Daddy? What happened?” I sit down on the couch beside him and take his hand. It’s a reversal of when we were little, of when I’d be afraid and he’d take my hand and all the monsters and scary things in the dark would disappear. That was his power back then. He was my hero. He could do anything.
He stares at the ground and for several long moments, I think he’s still not going to tell me. I sigh and go to pull my hand back but he clutches it even tighter.
“After your mom left, I went through a bad patch. I started gambling. I almost lost everything.” He squeezes his eyes shut and I can see how much it pains him to admit the weakness.
I swallow hard to keep back my shock.
“I pulled my head out of my ass eventually, but not in time. I borrowed money from some bad men to pay back my debts.” He finally looks over at me, his eyes watery and red. “And then I had to borrow from my legitimate clients to pay them back. And it kept snowballing from there. I thought if the company just made enough money, if I could just float it for a little while longer, I could pay everyone back.” He starts shaking his head. “But it got out of control.”
His mouth tightens into a hard line and he squeezes my hand again. “But I swore none of it would ever touch you. You’d never be part of the business. You’d never be tainted by my mess.”
A cry I can’t keep back erupts from my throat. “So it was never because… because I wasn’t—” I can barely get it out but it has to be asked, “a son?”
His forehead creases in a pained look and he shakes his head. “I hated that I had to make you believe that, but all that mattered was keeping you safe.”
He pulls me into his arms again and I collapse against his chest.
Dad. Oh God. How could he?
“Why didn’t you just tell me? Maybe I was too young to understand at first, but I’m a grown woman now. You could have confided in me.”
He holds me to him while tears leak out of my eyes. His heart is thumping strong underneath my ear.
“I couldn’t.” I can hear how thick his throat is as he says it. “I was so ashamed. I’m a foolish old man.”
I scoff as I pull back from him, swiping at my eyes. “You’re only forty-nine, Dad. Hardly old.”
He just shakes his head. “I’ve got to get out of the country, honey. The men I was talking about are dangerous—even after I paid them back…” His gaze moves toward the window like he can’t bear to look at me while he talks about this. “I was never able to untangle the business from them. They’re powerful men.” He moves his palms down his pajama pants. “They wanted money… favors… The DA suspects their involvement and he’s offered me a deal if I flip on them. I’m not stupid enough to take it.” A haunted look comes into his eyes. “But it’s obvious I’m a loose end they want tied up.”