“Mom—”
“No, let me finish.” She shook her head. “I don’t know how to help you, but clearly, being away from your family hasn’t accomplished anything. It hasn’t helped at all. You need to explain things to us. You need to help us understand.”
Marnie glanced up at her husband, exhaled slowly, and spoke. “We’ve never asked you what happened over there. What happened the day Jesse died. But I think it’s time that you told us.” Her voice trembled slightly and she let Steven’s hand go, so that she could cross over to where Jake was. She placed her hand on his chest and he ached at familiar warmth of her touch. God, he was so cold.
He was sick inside.
“I think you need to tell us what happened. I think that you need to tell me why you can’t sleep and what those nightmares mean.” Marnie slipped her arms around him and laid her head against his chest. “I think you need to do this, not only for us, but for yourself, Jake, because I can’t stand seeing you hurt like this. I already lost one son, and I’m terrified that I’m going to lose you too.”
Jake’s arms slowly pulled his mother as close as he could. His eyes stung and his lungs hurt to breathe because the lump in his throat was so huge, he was afraid he’d choke. He cleared his throat and glanced over to his father.
“Okay,” he said, knowing he’d reached the end. He just hoped when they heard the facts, they wouldn’t hate him as much as he hated himself.
His mother grabbed his hand and pulled him into the family room. She sat in her chair, the one that had always been there, the one he and Jesse used to squeeze into when she got out their favorite book, The Black Stallion. She used to read them one chapter every night before bed, and God, he’d loved that time with her. With Jesse.
His father passed by and clasped his shoulder before moving behind his wife.
Jake sighed and glanced out the window, across the snow-and-ice-covered lake, and an image popped into his mind. One he hadn’t thought of in a long, long time.
“Do you remember when Jesse and I decided to go ice fishing? I think we were ten? Eleven?”
His mother nodded slowly. “You’d asked for days to go out there, because Cain and Mackenzie wanted to go.”
“Yeah, we did, and you told us that it was too dangerous. That the lake was too deep and that the ice wasn’t thick enough. Of course we didn’t listen. That Saturday we waited for you guys to leave.” A frown creased his brow. “I think you guys were bowling or…”
“It was the church bazaar,” his father murmured.
Jake nodded. “That’s right, and we were supposed to help, but I convinced Jesse to pretend to be sick so we could stay home. So that we could go ice fishing while you guys were gone.”
He turned back to the lake and closed his eyes, memories washing over him as if it were yesterday.
“It was cold. The kind of cold that freezes the hair inside your nose. I remember the sun was so bright, we had to wear sunglasses, and that Jesse wore his new ski jacket. The red one with black sleeves. He liked it because it was the Detroit Red Wings colors.”
“You had the blue and black one,” Steven said, a soft smile on his face.
“It took us a while to find the perfect spot, mainly because I wanted to go out farther, near Old Man Jenkins’s place. That’s where the sweet spot was, along the north shore. It didn’t take us long to cut through the ice either. I guess that should have been our first clue that we didn’t know shit. That the ice wasn’t thick enough.” He glanced at his mother. “I should have known it was dangerous.”
Marnie shook her head. “There were two of you out there, Jake. It wasn’t just you.”
He ignored her comment. “I think we’d been sitting in our chairs for maybe twenty minutes when I got a bite. Man, we thought we’d scored huge. I jumped up and down and he yelled at me, told me to stop being an idiot. I think I flipped him the bird and pounded the ice once more before sitting back down in my chair so I could reel in my catch. But then the ice cracked and heaved, nearly dumping me into the water because I was so damn close.”
He shoved his hands back into the front pockets of his jeans. “Jesse let his rod go and tried to grab me. He tried to push me out of the way but ended up sliding through the hole. I remember how awful I felt, like was I was going puke. It was panic and fear. God, it was so thick and hot that for a moment, I was frozen. I couldn’t move.”
“You were a ten-year-old boy, Jake.” Marnie turned to her husband and grabbed Steven’s hand.
“I fell onto my stomach and slid forward, yelling because I couldn’t see Jesse at first, and I was so scared that he’d get trapped under the ice and then I’d never be able to get to him. It was getting dark, too, and it was so cold.”
Silence followed his words, filling the room, but only for a moment.
“And then I saw his hand and I grabbed it. I don’t know how in hell I didn’t fall in with him.” He shook his head, “I don’t know. But I got hold of him and pulled him out.” He blew out a long breath. “His lips were already blue, and there was a moment when I thought he was dead. I remember it clear as day. The fear slipped away, and for that one moment, I was empty. But then his eyes flew open and he slammed his fist into my face.
“Bastard broke my nose.” Jake took a moment. “That was the first time I had a broken nose. The first time I nearly lost Jesse, but over there…”
He shook his head and looked at his parents. “In Afghanistan, there aren’t any second chances, and when the shit hits, someone gets injured or dies. The thing is—” His voice broke as the wall of emotion he’d been pushing away for months slammed into his chest with all the fury and strength of a freight train.
“Just like that day on the lake, Jesse should never have been there. He shouldn’t have gone out with us. I shouldn’t have let him.”
“What are you saying?” Marnie’s voice shook, and though he wanted to look away, he wanted to be anywhere other than where he was, he couldn’t. He owed his parents the truth.