She feels she is, so who am I to second-guess her? This may be the last time I’m with her, so I don’t want to let her down. And damn, I want those ruby red lips around my dick.
“Oh, baby. Please…”
45
Katelyn
I never imagined wanting to do this for any man. Not after what I’ve been through. But Luke—while he hasn’t made me forget the past, he makes me want to experience these things the way they were supposed to be experienced.
He’s large. Really large. After so many years of hating the sight of a man’s naked body, of having it used as a weapon against me, now I find myself aching for it.
For this particular man.
I gather my courage and reach forward to touch him. It’s hard, of course—hot and hard, though the skin covering it is smooth like satin.
How different it feels to want to touch it. Because I love the man it’s attached to.
I trail my fingers along its length, and then over the silky head. A clear drop of liquid emerges, and Luke groans.
“My God, baby. What you do to me.”
“You’re beautiful,” I say, and I realize I’m telling the unadulterated truth. Every part of him is beautiful, even this part—this part that, on other men, was used to harm me.
But not by Luke.
Never by Luke.
Our first time was so gentle. And while this time wasn’t, he made sure I knew at the outset what I was in for, and he gave me the choice to walk away.
I roll my finger over the curve of the head, touching the drop of liquid and massaging it into his tip.
He sucks in a breath. “Baby, please…”
“Tell me how to please you,” I say. “I want to please you so badly.”
“You are pleasing me. I don’t want to tell you what to do. I want you to do what you feel comfortable with.”
I gaze into his eyes. I see love there, and I see promise. Most of all I see the truth. He’s speaking the truth. I’m no innocent, obviously. I know how much men like getting head, and I know that this gentle touching of my hands is probably just driving him insane.
But still, he’s letting me go at my own pace.
And because of that, I want to please him all the more.
I touch my tongue to the tip of his dick and lick off the pearl of salty liquid.
He sucks in another breath.
His body goes rigid, his arms straighten at his side.
I meet his gaze. “Tell me. I want to please you. I want you to do what feels right. Do you want to touch me? Touch my head? Force me down on it? It’s okay. I want you to be pleased.”
He groans again. “You’re so beautiful, Katelyn, and I’m not talking about the outside right now. You’re beautiful on the inside. You have such a big heart, and it kills me to know…” He closes his eyes. “I can’t do this. I can’t do it.” He scoots away from me on the bed.
“Luke?”
“I don’t deserve you.”
“What’s this about? Of course you deserve me. I’m the one who doesn’t deserve you.”
“How can you say that?”
“Because… Because I’m…soiled. I’ll never be the woman you deserve.”
“Oh my God. That can’t be how you see yourself.”
“It’s…not. I mean not really. I’ve been through the therapy. I know none of it was my fault. But sometimes…”
He touches my cheek. “I understand. Sometimes what other people say doesn’t change something you feel in the marrow of your bones.”
“Yes. That’s it exactly. How do you understand so well?”
“I have a past too, Katelyn, and it’s not pretty. If I were any kind of a man, I would never have come near you in the first place.”
“I promise you it won’t make a difference to me.”
He closes his eyes. Then he sighs. A long and drawn-out sigh, and with it I hope comes some healing power.
But then he opens his eyes. I’m not sure what I see in them. They’re wide, and he’s almost glaring at me.
“Luke?”
“I want a drink.”
“No. Don’t.”
“I don’t have anything in the house. But I need something.”
“Please. Don’t undo what you’ve done. You’ve come so far.”
He nods. Then he closes his eyes, and when he opens them once more, he’s the Luke I know.
I move toward him once more, lick the tip of him gently.
But he moves away again.
“Luke, I want to—”
“I want it to, Katelyn. You have no idea how much I want it. I’m not made of steel. I’m a man just like every other man, and I love you. I want you to suck me.”
“Then let me. I’m right here.”
“I can’t. Not yet.” He pulls me into his arms. “Just lie with me. Please. I want to hold you in my arms, feel you next to me. I want to inhale the sweet scent of your hair, kiss those beautiful lips.”