Power is an aphrodisiac. It crawls inside you. Clings to every microscopic cell in your body.
And it corrupts.
It corrupts from the inside out.
I look back now at the things I did, the people I hurt, and I don’t want anything to do with power. If that means I spend the rest of my life waiting tables, so be it.
I can’t lie. I miss the booze sometimes. Once an addict always an addict, as they say.
Yet I chose to work in a restaurant with a bar. To serve drinks to my customers. And every time I serve a martini—or a Manhattan, or a scotch and soda, or a glass of wine—the alcohol calls to me.
It’s a constant battle—one I make a conscious choice to fight.
I can’t let the demons lie, because if I do, they might return. I can’t forget them for a moment.
Because I can’t risk them taking me over once more.
My life was never difficult.
I was born to privilege. Too much privilege, really.
Now? Life is difficult. It’s a constant challenge that I welcome. I finally see how the other half lives, and there’s a certain beauty in it. A certain constancy.
And there’s Katelyn.
Women are my other weakness. Booze and women. Man, they controlled my life. Sure, I thought I was in control. Even the women thought I was in control.
But that was always an illusion.
I hurt so many people, and I can never make it up to them. But I can at least live a clean and sober life. A clean and sober life without dragging Katelyn into it.
Even now, her beauty haunts me.
I must fight it. I can’t be dragged back into my old habits.
I shouldn’t have asked her to dinner tonight. I know it. On some level, I think she knows it as well.
My phone sits on my dresser, pulsing with an invisible heartbeat. So simple. I can just pull up her number, hit call, and tell her I changed my mind. That our dinner is off.
Yes, I should do that.
I pick up the phone. It’s like a block of ice against my fingers.
I drop it, and it clatters onto the hardwood floor of my studio.
I leave it there and look around my sparse place.
I live in Manhattan. I shouldn’t, but I do. I shouldn’t work here, either. There’s always a chance of running into people who may remember things I prefer them not to remember.
But living life anonymously in a small town… I couldn’t do it. I tried. Okay, I didn’t try that hard. But I did look into it.
You can take the boy out of the city, but you can’t take the city out of the boy.
So I ultimately chose to stay in the city—New York, even though I hate it. At least no one who knows me will think to look for me here.
I could live in a bigger place, but this is fine. I don’t want a lot of things cluttering up my life. I’m so over things.
My phone still sits on the floor, and the invisible heartbeat has died down. Time to call Katelyn.
Time to call off the date.
I pick up the phone. It’s no longer icy. I’m back in my right mind. I was always in my right mind. Everything else was imagined because, as much as I know I need to call it off, I absolutely do not want to.
But I will.
I pull up Katelyn’s number and hit call.
One ring. Two. Three. Then,
“Hello.”
Her voice. Soft and sweet and innocent. No way was the woman ever an escort.
I clear my throat. “Good morning…Katelyn. This is Luke Johnson. From last night.”
A minor pause. “Hi, Luke. How are you?”
“I’m…fine. Getting ready to hit the gym.” Like she cares. Why did I say that? It’s not even true. Hitting the gym for me is putting on a Yankees hat and jogging in the park. I can’t actually go to a real gym. It’s too risky.
“Oh. That’s nice.”
Yeah, this is going well. “Hey, Katelyn, it turns out that…”
“Yes?”
“It turns out that…” I inhale. Do it. Just do it. “It turns out that I couldn’t get a reservation for the restaurant I wanted for our dinner tonight.”
“Oh. I’m sorry to hear that.”
“So…you know. I was thinking…”
“Yeah?”
I made a mistake. I can’t keep our date. It’s not the right time for me.
My God, I’m being ridiculous. The words are right on the tip of my tongue, hovering there, ready to flow, but…
“I was thinking we’d try a different place.”
I hit myself on the side of the head. I couldn’t do it. Just couldn’t. I want to see this woman again, whether or not it’s a good idea.
“Sure. Okay. I’m new here so it doesn’t matter to me where we go. Everything’s new to me.”
My heart is gunning rapid-fire.
“Okay. So I’ll text you with the details. Unless you want me to come get you.”