“But the other day at Bristol’s. He fucked you, didn’t he?”
She went back to chopping.
They were entering sketchy territory here. The problem with this direction of conversation was that, yes, the air needed to be cleared. But it also meant that they were tiptoeing toward that forbidden notion Jewel had been toying with.
Did she have the courage to broach that subject?
“Jewel.” Rogen interrupted her mental debate. “I know what you look like after you’ve had an orgasm. Your neck gets flushed. Your eyes dance a little. I know, okay?”
“But you don’t really know. When it comes to me and Vin, you don’t know. Nor do I. Because after I left Trinity, and you and I hadn’t slept together that night—”
“We did sleep together. In the same bed. I snuck you into my dorm room.”
“But we didn’t have sex.”
“You said you were having your period.”
She groaned. “I told you that so you wouldn’t wonder why I couldn’t make love with you. I couldn’t cheat on Vin.”
“And yet,” Rogen challenged, “you never actually got around to telling me about the two of you.”
“Correct.” She dumped the peppers into another bowl and collected fresh mushrooms to cut up. She was halfway through the container when she glanced over at him and said, “I took one look at you and I just couldn’t do it. All the old feelings, all the memories, flooded me and I just … I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t think of anything other than how great it was to see you. How much I missed being with you.”
Fat drops welled in her eyes. Jewel shut them, ashamed.
She’d never understood at the age of eighteen how she could be in love with two men at the same time. It hadn’t seemed logical. Certainly not practical. Completely selfish.
Aha!
Perhaps that was the primary cause between her push and pull with the very tempting ménage concept when it came to Rogen and Vin.
But that wasn’t currently the issue at hand. Just a festering thought that taunted her.
She opened her eyes and stared at Rogen. “I spent the weekend with you, because I wanted one last bit of time together,” she said. “Vin and I were going to prom and then graduating. Then we were both supposed to be at SFSU. But none of that happened.”
Jewel rounded the island to tend to the meat on the stove, draining the grease, putting links in the food processor to grind into fine pieces, and then pouring it and the ground beef into her pot of sauce. She sprinkled in hot pepper flakes and stirred. Rogen cleaned the counter and washed his hands.
She returned to the island to mince onion and then started to sauté the vegetables. Rogen set up the pasta machine.
When she felt a modicum of composure, because cooking was therapeutic for them both, she told him, “Vin never showed up on prom night. I tried calling, e-mailing. Didn’t hear a peep. I had to phone the estate, I was so worried about him. Thank God one of the housekeepers answered, not your mom. Georgina said Vin had packed a bag and left that morning. Your father arranged for Vin to take his final exams and he’d graduated, though he’d not attended the ceremony. I had no idea where he went—no one seemed to know. Even you told me he hadn’t shared his plans with you. And he didn’t ever respond to me. I don’t know why he left. I don’t know why he left … me.”
The pain returned. Escalating.
So much for culinary therapy.
“I screwed the whole damn thing up,” she said miserably.
Rogen let out a long breath. Planted his hands on his waist. “No, it wasn’t you, Jewel. It was me.”
Her gaze narrowed on him. He’d suggested that earlier.
“Fuck.” Rogen winced. “I didn’t know. I didn’t … goddamn it. I didn’t know—about the two of you.” He shook his head. “Sure, I had some suspicions. But nothing concrete. Until now. He and I didn’t talk about you—and I couldn’t afford to buy into any thoughts of you and Vin.… It would have sucked the soul right from me if he’d gone on and on about the two of you at school, at the movies, at parties, whatever. When I couldn’t be there with you.”
Rogen’s raw emotions sliced through her. He’d initially fought the idea of prep school when his father had enrolled him. He didn’t want to leave River Cross, Vin, Jewel. But, invariably, she knew Rogen had felt the exact same about the mansion that she had—it was too frail and breakable an environment to exist in. Rogen’s mother had taken to her room (and, rumor had it, pills), and Gian was a bear to be around. Not to mention, Rogen had found it next to impossible to be there without Taylor.
So for his own mental well-being, and to keep the peace in his already-ravaged family, he’d eventually conceded to Trinity.
Continuing, Rogen said, “Vin sent an e-mail to my BlackBerry that Sunday you were in New York. Said you’d gone MIA for the weekend and he couldn’t reach you. Asked if I’d heard from you. I replied that you were fine, that you’d been with me at Trinity, and that I’d just dropped you off at the airport and you were on your way home. That was when the communication went dark. I couldn’t reach him, either. Not after that.”