I pause for a beat, temporarily knocked off-balance. “I’m doing the right thing, Ava. Let me do the right thing, will you ?”
She backs away from me, whirling to drop hard onto the sofa and glaring at me from where she sits .
“No, I will not let you do the right thing ,” she snarls .
I wonder if this is some kind of pregnancy hormone thing, but I’m legitimately terrified to put that thought into words. She’d chop my head off .
“Why not?” I ask simply .
“Because you’re not in love with me,” she practically shouts, spreading her hands out in front of her. “I don’t want you to do the right thing because you think you have to. Besides, we’re already doing the right thing. We’re having babies. We’re taking care of business! But I’m not going to marry you out of some idiotic, old-fashioned sense of obligation …”
I stand awkwardly, stuffing the ring back into my pocket. I feel stupid, exposed .
“But I do — ”
“Just stop!” she cuts me off, holding up a hand before I finish what I was going to say. Her eyes narrow, a defiant dare in her expression .
“But I thought — ”
“You’re not thinking, is the problem,” she huffs, shaking her head in frustration. “Just take a breath, Ethan. This is not right. You have to know this isn’t right .”
With my hand in my pocket, I move the ring around my fingertips, feeling its cool presence. I’m disappointed, more disappointed than I’ve ever been about anything, but I can’t let it show. I thought she’d be excited. I realize I hadn’t planned for this contingency at all .
She pats the cushion next to her gently. “Come sit by me,” she says quietly .
With a weak smile, I sit next to her, trying to look casual .
“Listen, I’m sorry if I was too harsh,” she sighs .
“Oh, no. Don’t even worry about it,” I say, trying to hide the pain in my voice .
She holds her hands out, palms up, then lets them fall against her knees. “It’s just that… everything is so complicated. Keeping this a secret… not being able to tell my parents about us… it’s too hard. How can I show up with an engagement ring? Even if you did really love me? Like really love me ?”
I nod, not knowing what else to say .
“That’s what an engagement is for, Ethan. I don’t want a proposal out of duty .”
Duty. That’s a strong word, in my book. It’s a good reason to do most things. Her rejection stings, lancing through to the center of me. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this awful .
She leans back, tipping her face up to the sky. “It’s really beautiful up there. You can see the stars tonight, did you notice ?”
“I did notice .”
Her hand reaches out and finds mine, and she curls her knuckles against my palm like she always does, nestling her fingers inside my hand like a bird inside a nest. After a few seconds I shift on the sofa, leaning back as well. The moon is full, illuminating streaky clouds from behind .
Quietly she crawls along the cushions until she’s half on my lap, her head against my chest, gazing up at the sky with me. She pulls my arms around her and holds my hands over her swelling belly .
“We’ll figure it all out,” I whisper into her hair, kissing the top of her head. I need to figure this out. I need a plan. It can’t just stay like this. She’s right .
She shifts, turning around to face me, sitting astride my hips with a mischievous smirk on her lips .
“I’m totally impressed that you put all this together, though,” she smirks. “Candles and starlight? That’s really pretty awesome .”
My hands automatically find her hips and I slide my thumbs under the hem of her shirt so I can feel the warmth of her skin .
“Anything for you, Ava. Did you see how I got you a full moon and everything ?”
She nods, opening her eyes dramatically .