Sounded like a solid plan to me.
At least at the moment.
Nick continued, “I came to Holiday Cove to start a new life, one that had purpose and direction. I met Aaron by happenstance. But meeting you…that was something else.”
My heart thumped against my chest as my breath hitched in my lungs.
“That was like a spark that opened all these new possibilities and gave me a new set of worries,” he sighed.
“Like what?” I asked, my voice quivering.
“Mostly, how in the hell am I gonna get this gorgeous, passionate woman in my life and then how do I keep her there?” If his tone wasn’t dead serious, I would have laughed. As it was, it was all I could do to nod along and swallow the lump in my throat.
“I want to be with you Carly. I want us to ride this out and see where it takes us. But we can’t do that if you won’t let me in. I can’t make you. I don’t want to be the asshat that chases you around when you’re not interested. So, just tell me, what do you want? What’s your big question?”
“I don’t know if I have a big question.”
More accurately, I had ten thousand smaller ones. Firing off day and night.
“I think you do. Something is holding you back from me. I want to know what it is.”
I pushed off the stone bench and wandered to the edge of the sidewalk, each step slow and calculated as my mind reached for the answer to give him. When I reached the edge, I teetered on the curb and stared out over the cars in the lot, illuminated under the street lights along the medians.
“I want to be with you too, Nick.”
My heart slammed into my chest with added urgency in the pause between my declaration and Nick’s reply, “Then what’s the roadblock? I’m right here.”
“I don’t know.”
Nick sighed.
“I’m sorry!”
“Don’t be sorry, Carly, just figure it out. You say you want to be with me, but then you can’t tell me why you’re holding back from me.”
“I just told you I was sorry about earlier today!” I fired back, my pulse skyrocketing for an entirely different reason. I stalked back to the bench and threw myself down onto it with a thump. “It’s been a long time since I’ve done this, Nick. And last time—”
“Stop! You have to stop comparing me to the last guy, all right? Give me a chance to be me. Nick.”
He hadn’t yelled or really raised his voice, but his words had the same impact as if he had. My mouth dropped open but there was nothing left to say. I couldn’t give him the answers he wanted and I wasn’t sure I could give him the life or relationship he wanted. There had been a time when all I had wanted was to be in love, get married, travel, have a family, and be like everyone else.
But those days were ancient history.
“I have to go,” I snapped. “Alesha’s doctor needs to talk to me.”
Nick hesitated. “All right.”
“Goodbye, Nick.”
“Goodnight, Carly.”
I clicked off the call and bent forward as a roll of nausea washed over me.
What am I doing?
When the answers didn’t come, I pushed up and went back to Alesha’s room. She was still sleeping peacefully among her collection of monitors so I sank back into the stuffed chair and twisted myself up like a pretzel to fold my legs up under me and rested one cheek against the arm. It wasn’t long before the tears of hurt, exhaustion and frustration came tumbling down my face until I finally dozed off.
In the early morning, around three o’clock, Alesha’s final bag of fluids had finished cycling through her and after a final check and set of parting instructions from her doctor—and Gemma—she was released. I drove her home, but she was still too drowsy and in her own world to have much of a conversation, so I held back the urge to dump all my questions, thoughts, and fears onto her.
When I finally crawled into my bed and buried myself under the covers, I had less than three hours until my alarm clock would be screaming at me to get up again. With a heavy sigh, I shut my eyes and tried to power down my busy mind. Still, it was content to race on forever, my thoughts zinging between Alesha, the baby, Nick, and then back through again—with an occasional scone idea thrown in for good measure—and the hours evaporated.
The alarm rang all too soon and I was thrown back into action.
Ready or not.
22
Nick
* * *
Between my unsettled mind and Lady’s howling to get into the bed beside me, I woke up craving a cup of coffee and despite the awkward ending to the conversation with Carly the night before—I knew where I needed to go.