He stopped talking. “Why would they come over if my mother had said you were okay?”
“See!” I said with a laugh. “They are in on the recon.”
Miles rubbed the back of his neck. “Okay, it was weird of them to show up, but in their defense, Kyns, I think they’re really happy for us.”
I nodded. “Yeah, I think so. Our moms are for sure. Daddy, well, he is a typical father. But he wants to see me happy, too.”
Miles placed his finger on my chin and turned me to look at him. “I wanted to talk to you because I felt like I owed you an explanation about that morning, five years ago.”
I chewed on my lip. He broke our eye contact and gazed out over the fountain, a pained expression on his face. My heart started to beat faster as I waited for him.
“Okay.”
“First, let me start with apologizing for just showing up and expecting you to run off and marry me. It’s hard for me to tell you how I feel about you.”
“Why is telling me how you feel so difficult?”
Miles shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I’ve held it in for so long, trying to protect you.”
“Protect me!” I cried out, a strangled laugh escaping. “Miles, all you did was hurt me every time you left.”
He jerked as if I’d hit him. Then he nodded, as if he knew why I had said that.
“I had planned on coming home and telling you I wasn’t signing back up for the Marines. I was going to ask you if you wanted a future together. Build a life, family.”
“Was that what you wanted?”
He nodded. “Since before I even went into the Marines, but like I said, I had so much pressure trying to take care of my mom and my family.”
I gasped. “The night when you told me you were going into the Marines, why didn’t you tell me that? Miles, we could have started our lives together years ago.”
He sighed. “I didn’t want to do that to you, Kyns. I knew I was going to be leaving for months at a time, and then I’d be going on dangerous missions. I didn’t want to put you into that situation where you had to worry if I’d ever make it back home.”
I stared at him. “Miles, I would rather have had a few stolen moments with you than not have you at all. Besides, as your best friend I already worry about you, you know.”
Miles turned and our eyes locked. “I guess I didn’t look at it like that.”
Rolling my eyes, I replied, “Obviously.”
“Anyway, by the time I hit twenty-five I was ready to go home. Get back to you. You already know the story behind why I signed back up again. All I ever wanted was a future with you, and I’ve built up a nice nest egg us for us.”
“Us?”
Miles closed his eyes, and I could almost feel the regret pouring off of him. I took in a deep breath and got myself ready for what he was going to tell me. I had a feeling whatever it was would cause me to fall more in love with him or want to kick him in the balls. There’d be no in-between.
Miles
“US?” KYNSLEE ASKED, her voice sounding so defeated.
I’d known that morning five years ago that I had fucked up. Now it came slamming back into me all over again.
Rubbing the back of my neck, I went on. “That night meant everything to me, and for the briefest moment I let myself believe it would all work out.”
She drew her brows in and looked at me with a confused expression.
“When we woke up in the morning, I was ready to make the commitment. Not marriage. I couldn’t do that to you just yet. I couldn’t ask you to marry a man who could end up dying. At least, I thought I was ready to ask you. Then my phone rang, and it was my commanding officer. They wanted me to return early from leave to do the mission I told you about, the drug cartel leader. He was a mean motherfucker and was known for going after his enemies’ families.”
“Oh my gosh,” Kynslee mumbled.
“As I listened to my CO on the phone, I watched you getting dressed. My heart ached because all I wanted to do was crawl back into that stupid bed in the barn loft and hold you. Then some other switch flipped. The one where I had this underlying fear I’d end up like my father.”
“Your father?” Kynslee asked.
“Yeah, could I really commit to you? Why hadn’t I already done it? Why was I about to ask you to wait another five years for me instead of asking you to marry me? Why didn’t I just ask you to marry me that day instead of making that promise to do it at age thirty? A part me felt like I didn’t deserve you. I didn’t deserve your worry, or fear, or the faithfulness that I knew you’d give me. What if I wasn’t as strong as you? I mean, some other woman caught my dad’s eye enough to make him walk away from his whole family. I doubted every single thing about myself and about us in that moment.”