“Baby,” he says so quietly, I almost miss it.
Baby.
That word cuts more than he knows. It cuts through the walls, and the pain, and the tears. That single word makes me want to try again and find comfort in his arms.
His eyes look up at me, pleading; there’s so much pain and sorrow in them. I feel myself caving, giving into the heartache. I want to forgive Josh for the way he talked to me, but I think about my dad and how he treats Mom the same way. There're so many secrets and lies within their life, a spider wouldn’t know how to walk on that web.
All I can think about when I remember that night is, that’s how it starts. If I let Josh’s actions slide, like they’re no big deal, he’ll do it again. Each let down worse than the last, each secret more important than the one before.
I didn’t escape a loveless marriage with Ashley to be in a relationship with a duplicitous jerk.
I walk past Josh without waiting for him to create an excuse to cover the truth and head towards the kitchen. A wave of nausea hits me in the face. I pause in the shadow of the doorway for a moment to catch my breath and force my nerves back down.
I did it. I stood my ground.
Kneeling on the bathroom floor, I watch Layla walk out of my life. Again. My stomach contracts so violently I barely have time to lift the toilet seat. Remnants of a burrito and most of the Jack I drank splatters inside the porcelain bowl. I heave again then once more until my stomach is empty.
Damn nerves.
I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand then wash them in the sink. Glancing in the mirror, I look like shit. The bags under my eyes are as dark as night. My skin’s ghostly white compared to the sun-kissed tan it’s always been.
I have to make things right.
I take a deep breath and follow Layla out into the house, prepared to chase after her, but she's gone. I run my hands through my hair and look around one more time. I feel it bubbling up again, that red fire I can’t control. The fire that makes me say stupid shit to people I care about. Without thinking, I punch the wall nearest me. The skin on my knuckles is broken and red. I clench and unclench my fist.
At least it’s not broken.
“What the fuck, Josh?” Hattie stares at me, wide-eyed.
I don’t have an answer for her. I can’t tell her that I fucked up again. I don’t even know what I did wrong this time. I storm past her and run to my truck. There’s only a few spots in town Layla knows. I’m hoping she’ll go to one of them and not drive back to wherever she emerged from.
I drive around for hours, hitting all the spots we’d gone to together. I go to the places that scream Layla. All the beach access points. The Red Onion. The mall. The art museum. Riverside. The pier. I hit every place I can think of between Fellsmere and Vero.
I’m filling up at the gas station when I hear my phone ring. I pull it out of my pocket so fast I almost drop the damn thing. It’s Layla. I don’t know whether to be excited or worried.
“Hello?” I wait, but she doesn’t respond, so I say hello again.
“Hey. So…” She sighs and my stomach flips. “I ran out of gas. Can you come get me?”
“Of course!” I hang the nozzle back on the holster. If I was a good guy, I’d run inside the gas station and buy a gas jug to take fuel to Layla.
I’m not a nice guy.
I’m greedy and tired and I miss her. If I screw this up, I might not get another chance. “Where are you?”
“Um.” There’s another pause. My body trembles again. I want another drink, to settle my nerves. It’s too easy to drown everything out but I want to feel it all tonight. “US1 and MLK Boulevard.”
The fear.
The excitement.
And hopefully, some kind of happiness again.
“I’m on my way.”
Layla steps out of her rental car and crosses her arms when I pull up beside her. She won’t make eye contact, but that’s okay. I don’t need her to look at me. I just need her.
“Your knight in shining armor is here to save the day.”