I roll to my side and try to do what I told her to do and get some sleep. It’s not until several hours later that I manage.
I stand at the opened barn door and look out at the torrential downpour. It’s been this way off and on for over a week. Work has been put on hold because of it and the horses are becoming restless. Horses are huge animals, so I need as much room as possible to work with them. I use the pasture when the weather permits, but that’s been out lately, so we’ve been stuck in the barn. Luckily, the rain’s coming from the south, which means the temperature is higher, and today is supposed to be the last day of the shitty weather.
I look over to Bandit and see him eyeing me. Surprisingly, since the day Kelsey was in here, he’s calmed down, even going so far as letting me pet him a few times. He actually took an apple from my hand a few weeks ago without trying to bite it off, and has let me do it a couple times since. I got the saddle on his back two days ago before he started bucking. He still gets in his moods at times, but for the most part, he tolerates me now. It’ll still be a while before he lets me sit him, but we’re definitely moving in the right direction. I’ll be glad to have him off my hands when the time comes.
I hear a car door slam and walk over to the barn doors, wondering who it could be. I don’t get unannounced visitors very often. I’m surprised to see Gwen’s red Range Rover. Squinting against the rain, I barely see her form already on the porch. It’s been a month since I’ve seen her. A month that’s been pure fucking hell. A month that’s tested my restraints beyond anything I’ve ever had to do. We’ve talked or texted each night since I left her crying on her couch and that’s the only reason I haven’t gone to her. They kept my need barely at ease. We’ve learned a lot about each other in that month, and the more I learn, the more I want her and her kids in my life. My strength to keep away from her is waning and her being here doesn’t help one fucking bit. Already my body is tensing, preparing to rush to her.
I look up at the sky and an unreasonable flare of anger hits me in the stomach. What in the hell is she doing driving in this kind of weather? Doesn’t she know how dangerous it is?
I take a closer look at the truck and thankfully don’t see the kids inside.
I take off out of the barn and run across the yard. By the time I make it to the porch, I’m completely drenched. I shake the water from my face and stalk up the steps to her. She turns when she hears the thump of my boots.
Her graceful smile falls flat and is replaced with worry when she sees the look in my eyes.
“What’s wrong?” she has the nerve to ask.
Instead of answering, I bark, “What in the hell were you thinking, driving in this weather?”
My question takes her by surprise and she stumbles back a step. I stalk closer to her.
“E-excuse me?” The rain pelting down on the roof is so loud I barely hear her.
Her back hits the door, but I don’t stop until my chest is so close that each time she breathes in the tips of her breasts rub against the cotton of my shirt.
“You know how dangerous it is to drive when it’s raining like this. Why in the fuck would you take a chance like that?”
I know my anger is irrational and extreme, but fuck if I can control it right now. All I can see is Gwen sliding off the road or flipping her car in the ditch or hitting a tree head-on because she can’t stop in time. I imagine her on the side of the road, bleeding and in pain with no one around to help.
This shit right here is why I should have never gotten involved with her. Visualizing these scenarios will eat me alive. I can’t take the chance of losing someone else, and I can’t bear the thought that I couldn’t be there if they ever needed me.
My hands rest on either side of her head, and I let my head hang forward. I pull in huge gulps of air and try to calm the raging inferno in my blood. I flinch when Gwen lays her hand against my chest. Her touch burns, and I can’t get away fast enough. I throw myself away from her, and her eyes widen, then darken with pain.
“Alexander?” she questions softly and takes a step closer.
I know my eyes must look wild when I pin her with my glare. “Don’t,” I growl.
She stops and frowns. “I don’t understand. Why are you so angry?”
I spin around, hands clenched at my sides. I can’t believe she has the nerve to ask me that.
“Why am I so angry? Really, Gwen? You’re seriously fucking asking me that after I told you what happened to Clara and Rayne?”
Realization dawns, and I want to fucking laugh as her eyes widen again. I turn away from her and walk to the porch railing, leaning my hands on it and staring out into the rain. My heart’s pounding so hard, I hear it in my ears. I feel the throb at my temple and the start of a headache.
I hiss when I feel Gwen’s hand on my back, then her heat at my side. I don’t look at her, but I feel her eyes on me.
“Alexander, you can’t control everything,” she says gently, trying to console me, but it does the opposite. Her soft tone grates on my nerves because I love the sound of her voice so much, and whether she means to or not, she’s using it against me right now. “You can’t protect people from every little thing. You can’t prevent them from living or doing things that are natural for fear of something happening. If it’s meant to happen, then it’ll happen whether you try to prevent it or not.”
I hate myself so much right now because I know she’s right, but I still can’t get over my fear. Gwen has come to mean more to me than I ever imagined possible. I’m not sure what would happen to me if something were to happen to her or the kids. It scares the shit out of me to think about it. It scares me so much that my damn hands are shaking now with just the thought.
And what’s even more fucked-up is I turn to her and tell her to leave, even though I just bitched about her driving in the pouring rain in the first place. I need her to leave like I need air to breathe. I can’t be around her right now because I worry my resolve will crumble, and I’ll drop to my knees and beg her to stay. And she can’t fucking stay because I’m fucked in the head.
“You need to fucking leave,” I grate. “Get in your fucking car and go back home, Gwen.”
I ignore the flash of pain on her face and leave her on my porch as my need to be away from her grows. My hands itch to grab her. My arms ache to hold her. My lips tingle with the need to caress hers with them. My body vibrates with need to feel her against me. And my damn heart hurts because it wants to belong to her. It already does belong to her, she just doesn’t know it.