She sniffles and leans against Alexander again.
“What if she blames me?” Kelsey whispers brokenly, and it’s that question that kills me. I lean back against the wall and slide down, my legs unable to hold my weight anymore.
I can no longer see them, but I can still hear them.
“She doesn’t,” he tells her, his tone more forceful that it has been the entire time I’ve been standing there.
“How do you know?”
“Because she loves you,” he answers simply.
It’s quiet for a few minutes before Alexander speaks again.
“You need to talk to your mom about this,” he tells her softly. “She misses you so much.”
“I miss her too,” she confesses, and I want to run inside and tell her I’m right here, but I don’t. She needs to do this on her own. I don’t want to take the chance of pushing her away by rushing her.
They stop talking, and I lean my head back and listen to the silence, hoping with everything I am that Kelsey’s silence has come to an end.
I’m so lost in thought that I don’t realize Alexander’s standing in front of me. I look up at him with swollen eyes, feeling lost and exposed. He doesn’t say a word as he scoops me up into his arms. My eyes linger on Kelsey’s door, which is closed most of the way, a sliver of light pouring out, indicating she’s still awake.
My heart aches with the need to go to her, but as much as it hurts to do so, I let him carry me further away from her.
Alexander stops at the couch and takes a seat with me in his lap. I bury my head in the crook of his neck and let tears soak the collar of his shirt. He doesn’t try to calm me down, just gently rubs my back and murmurs soft words in my ear. He knows I heard Kelsey speak, and he knows how much it hurts to hear her say her father’s death is her fault and she worries I blame her. She couldn’t be further from the truth.
Later that evening, after Alexander left, I walk quietly down the hallway and stop at Kelsey’s door. This is my nightly routine. I always sneak back to her door five minutes after I’ve tucked her in, and every night I catch her whispered prayers to bring her daddy home.
Tonight is different though, for a couple reasons. One being that she spoke to Alexander tonight and my emotions are already raw from overhearing it.
The second comes when I stop at the door and hear that Kelsey’s prayers have changed. If it wasn’t for the fact that I watched her crawl to her knees, I’d think she just added onto the old one, but this prayer is all on its own. The new one is even more heartbreaking than the old.
“Please, God, help make Alexander better,” she whispers, her hands clasped in front of her. “Please don’t make him hurt anymore. I really like him, and I know my mama and brother like him too. I wish he could be with us always. And please let his wife and baby be okay in heaven with you.” She pauses before finishing. “In Jesus’ name, amen.”
I clutch my hands over my chest, trying to calm my pounding heart. Her prayers have been the same every night for over two years. For her to change them now…. I send up a silent prayer that this change is good. I also pray that God answers my daughter’s prayers.
I rest my forehead against the doorframe and whisper low enough that she can’t hear me, “I love you, Kelsey. Please come back to me.”
With one last glance to see her in bed with the covers tucked up under her chin once again, I walk away with my heart heavy.
Chapter 18
Alexander
I lie in bed with my hands under my head, thinking about today. I think about how I was supposed to simply drop off the earrings and then leave again. I think about Gwen’s face when she saw me on her porch steps, the longing and hope present, but also the shadow of vulnerability. I think about how I had to force myself to not yank her in my arms and beg her to forgive me for being a dick.
I think about Daniel rushing up to me and the pure elation on his face as he talked nonstop. Then I think about Kelsey and the wary way she eyed me. The apparent hurt I’ve caused her. It made me sick to my stomach to know I’ve caused her more pain.
I should have refused to go inside for tea. I should have told them I couldn’t go to dinner. I should have come up with an excuse as to why I couldn’t go back inside to look at Daniel’s car collection. But I just couldn’t. Gwen and her kids have me wrapped around their fingers. I’d do anything to bring smiles to their faces and make them happy. Walking into Blu’s last night and feeling all the eyes on me was uncomfortable and had my anger spiking, but I pushed through it. I wasn’t going to let the nosy people of town ruin what I didn’t realize at the time was something I wanted so badly. Being out with them, acting like a family, a normal family, felt so damn good. I wanted to do it again. I wanted to be a part of their lives every day.
I also think about walking out of Daniel’s room and seeing Kelsey in hers. Her eyes were pinned on the door as if she were waiting for me or something. Before I could stop myself, I was walking in her room and sitting on the end of her bed. Both kids draw me in, but Kelsey more so. I know it’s because of the pain we share.
She held her body stiff and her eyes were almost accusing as she watched me for several seconds. It wasn’t enough, there would never be an excuse good enough for my shitty behavior, but I tried to explain it to her. I didn’t want to hurt her further, but I saw the pain in her eyes when I told her about Clara and Rayne. I know of her pain, she deserves to know the reason behind mine.
Even though she said those few words to me the night before they left, I never expected her to talk again. To say my heart skipped a beat when she whispered those first words is an understatement. It was more like skipping ten beats. My stomach felt hollow and it took me several tries to pull in air. She has one of the sweetest and most delicate voices I’ve ever heard. It took me a moment to gather myself enough to respond. When she kept talking, even if what she asked hurt to think about, it was music to my ears.
Hearing her say her dad dying was her fault and she thought her mom might blame her was too much. I turned to her and made her look at me. I wanted her to hear me clearly when I told her it wasn’t her fault and there was no way her mom blamed her. I’m not sure if she believed me, but I hope she did. There’re only so many ways we can tell others how we feel. It’s up to them whether or not to believe it.
My chest hurt when I left her a few minutes later. It hurt even more when I saw Gwen slumped against the wall on her ass. I knew she heard. She was there when her daughter talked, and it broke her heart to hear the devastating words leave her daughter’s lips.