I don’t say it back. Instead, I look away.
His love is too much to bear along with my grief. The weight will kill me, I know it.
“Ready? One, two, three,” he counts and then we launch the paper lanterns into the air.
Mine swirls around my head before being carried away, and I like to think it’s Beckett telling me he’s okay.
Jace wraps his arm around me. Where I would normally lean into his body, seeking warmth and comfort, now I’m careful to keep distance between us.
The lanterns float through the air, getting farther and farther away.
With them, they carry my heart.
I feel nothing now.
Day by day I go through the motions. A full month goes by, then another, every day the same.
I feed myself. I shower. I go to work at the record store and I even work with Joel. And then I ignore Jace.
He tries to talk to me, to get me to open up, but I can’t talk to him.
I know he’s going through this too, but my grief feels like mine, the only thing keeping me alive, and I don’t want to let it go.
I can feel Jace getting angry, his body radiating with intensity whenever I’m around.
I hate that I’m hurting him, but this is the way it has to be.
We ride silently together in his truck, heading to meet Sarah, her husband, and Greyson.
I don’t tell Sarah, but being around Greyson is hard now. He’s a reminder of everything I don’t have, everything I lost in the blink of an eye.
She’s been amazing, though, through this whole thing. She’s been a comforting presence, and someone I can confide in.
My friends are hesitant to say the wrong thing, and especially with Thea, I don’t think she wants to hear it. She’s pregnant, and I’m a reminder of what can go wrong.
We arrive at the lake and Jace parks. He gets out, not saying anything to me.
I think he’s beginning to give up on me, or maybe he hopes I’ll come around on my own if he leaves me alone.
He grabs his fishing gear from the back of the truck and heads for the dock where Sarah, Jimmy, and Greyson already reside.
I sit for a moment longer, trying to get my wits together.
With a sigh, I open the door and slowly trek down to the dock.
It’s June and impossibly sunny and hot. I hate it.
I scuff my sneakers through the dirt and grass, taking my time joining the others.
When I get there, Greyson runs up and gives me a hug. I hold him close before he runs off and joins Jace at the end of the dock. Jace reaches down and ruffles his hair and Greyson’s laughter carries back to me.
“Come sit with me,” Sarah coaxes as she spreads out a blanket on the grass near the dock.
I help her smooth out the edges and sit down beside her. My legs are bare in a pair of cut off shorts. My legs too white and pale in my opinion.
“How are you feeling?” Sarah asks. “You didn’t answer my last text.”
I shrug. “The same. Awful.” I pick a blade of grass and wrap it around my finger. “I keep thinking this will get easier, but it’s not. We haven’t even taken his nursery down. We barely talk, which is my fault. I don’t even want him to touch me, which I know hurts him.”