“No.”
“It’s in the code of Best Friends,” she continued. “So, you have to tell me.”
“Then don’t be my best friend, I really don’t care.”
“Tatum.” The way she said my name was the tone of a mother scolding her child.
“Rowan.”
Her lips pursed and we ended up in a staring contest. She caved first and I ate a Twizzler to celebrate my small victory.
“I just want to understand why you hate him so much. I think I deserve an explanation. I’ve been dealing with you two for over a year now. And I don’t care what you say, but there’s definitely chemistry between you guys. Oh my God,” she gasped, “is that why you hate him? Did he screw you over in high school or something?”
“Absolutely not.” I was appalled that she’d suggest such a thing. “I have never, and will never, be one of his play things.”
“Then explain it to me.” She eyed me, waiting for me to cave.
She reached for the spoon that lay in my bowl of ice cream but I swatted her hand away. “Get your own.”
“Fine, I will.”
Rowan made her own bowl of ice cream and sat beside me once more. I was lucky that when we got here my mom was nowhere to be seen. Usually, when I got home and she wasn’t downstairs it meant she was in Graham’s room. I always knew not to bother her when she was in there.
In all the time that I’d been friends with Rowan this was the first time she’d ever set foot in my house. I’d never wanted to explain my family to her and she didn’t know about Graham. She was the only normal thing I had in my life.
; “I’m not leaving here until you give me some answers, Tate,” she eyed me and her look was determined. Rowan was a woman of her word, so I knew I better spit it out or she’d be sleeping on the floor of my bedroom.
I started from the beginning, telling her about Graham and his girlfriend and how Jude slept with her. I told her about Graham’s supposed accident, and how I found a suicide note in his bedroom and knew it was no accident at all.
“Jude mentioned that to me a long time ago,” she whispered, “he said you kicked him in the balls for sleeping with your brother’s girlfriend.”
“I did,” I confirmed. “I wanted to do a lot more than that, actually,” I muttered, looking away. “Graham wasn’t even dead yet then. That happened a week later.”
“I still don’t see how Graham killing himself has anything to do with Jude.”
“It has everything to do with Jude,” I glared at her. “Wait here.”
When I was sure she wasn’t going to follow me, I jogged upstairs and opened the drawer in the table beside my bed. I pulled out the folded piece of paper. It was yellow now and ripped in places from the many times I’d held it.
When I passed Graham’s room on my way down, sure enough my mom was in there. She sat on the edge of his bed, clutching his pillow. I hated hearing her cry. She’d cried every day at least once since the police showed up at our house. You’d think by now she would’ve run out of tears. But as long as you have something to cry about, they never dry up.
Back in the kitchen I handed Rowan the note.
I’d read it so many times I had it memorized.
Hi Tatie. I know you’ll be the one to find this. I don’t have any words right now other than I’m sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough. I’m sorry I wasn’t a better brother and son. I’m sorry I couldn’t be perfect. Now, Tatie, stop looking like that—I’m sure right about now you have your face screwed up in disbelief. But you know better than anyone else that I’m not perfect. I try so hard to be, but it’s an impossible mission and I’m sick of trying.
What happened with Kaitlin broke my heart. I loved her, but apparently not enough. What she did showed me that life is a bunch of bullshit and I don’t want to deal with this anymore.
Yeah, yeah, I know. This is the coward’s way out.
But Tatie, we both know that’s exactly what I am.
I’ve let mom and dad plan out my whole life and I’m not happy. I haven’t been happy in a long time.
I’m sick of living a life that doesn’t feel like mine.