“Fuck.”
Maybe. But that didn’t stop his slew of regrets. Visions of a precious little girl with raven hair and big blue eyes, just like her mommy’s, raced through his brain. She’d be inquisitive, headstrong, and need his protection. He could almost hear her sweet giggles as he slung her on his back for pony rides or see her yawn as he tucked her into her frilly pink bed and kissed her little button nose good-night.
Or would they have had a boy? Hammer blinked against the sting burning his eyes as he pictured a little imp with Raine’s eyes and a mischievous smile. He and his son would have played ball in a lush green yard and rolled around in autumn leaves. The boy would have sneaked frogs and worms into the house to scare his beautiful mother with a grin.
Daddy, Daddy, Daddy! Hammer heard the little voices calling in his head.
None of that would happen now.
Grief sat on his chest like an elephant.
Hammer pounded his fist against the wall. Until this moment, he hadn’t let himself acknowledge how much he yearned to be a father, a role model, a defender. And how much he wanted all that with Raine.
With a few words, Liam had managed to dash all those hopes.
Hammer believed things happened for a reason. And he knew what that was: Raine deserved better than him. He’d had years to claim her, but he hadn’t tackled his fears and seized the opportunity. Now he could only man up and stop dreaming about what would never be.
With a curse, he jerked three bottles of wine off their rack, turned on his heel, and braced himself to see relief in Raine’s eyes.
As he entered the dungeon again, she carried the turkey, all sliced and steaming, to the table. Her black dress showed a hint of cleavage and bared thighs he remembered locking around him as they rocked together in pursuit of pleasure. God, would he ever look at her and not crave the chance to make her his own?
Hammer looked Raine’s way. Her red-rimmed eyes stood out in her pale face. She’d been crying. Not in the last ten minutes or her nose would be red, too. But recently. Their stares locked for a moment. Her chin trembled. Those blue eyes looked so tormented with...what?
Before he could decide, she jerked away with a frown and set the turkey on the table. Then she pasted on an overly bright smile. “Come on, everyone. Time to eat.”
As everyone took their seats, Hammer pulled out Raine’s usual chair, directly to his right, for her. With her sitting close, they might be able to talk discreetly. Instead, Liam led her to the opposite end of the table and helped her into a chair, widening the divide between them more.
Hammer’s stomach took a nosedive. A volatile mix of anger and pain skewered him.
He should be thankful for a thriving business, food aplenty, as well as the good friends he had and the good times they shared. Right now, he could only focus on what he didn’t have: Raine, the chance to have a family with her, or even any of her goddamn warmth in his life.
To his left, his friend and Shadows’ resident sadist, Beck, nudged him. “Everyone is staring at you, man. Stop looking at Raine like she’s dessert, make a quick speech, and let everyone dig in.”
Quickly, Hammer raised his glass, thanking his extended family for coming to share this day with him because he treasured each and every one of them, blah, blah, blah. He was running on autopilot, probably reciting the same speech, more or less, that he had for the past eight years. In the back of his head, he kept wondering why he hadn’t changed his ways and snapped Raine up when he’d had the chance. If he would have put the past behind him, he could have had a new life with her. Woulda, coulda, shoulda.
As the guests all raised their glasses to him, he watched Liam cup Raine’s cheek. She sent his old pal a shaky smile, then downed most of her wine in two swallows. Hammer didn’t like how pale she looked. And he would kill to know what she was thinking.
“Dude, you really have to stop staring at Raine,” Beck warned in a low voice. “Liam is going to take your head off if he catches you. What the hell is your problem?”
“Raine’s not pregnant,” Hammer hissed.
“You should be happy, then.”
“Do I look happy?” He flashed a seething look Beck’s way, then stared down the length of the table at her again.
Had she been crying in relief that she’d started her period? Or disappointment that his child wouldn’t grow there? Hammer wasn’t sure when—or if—he’d ever find out.
Without looking away, Hammer filled his fork with food and slid the contents in his mouth. He had no doubt everything was delicious as always, but he couldn’t taste a thing.