The same hope I was feeling now as Dallas extended a metaphorical hand to me.
I couldn’t take it, though.
Because I didn’t deserve it.
I couldn’t let him come to see me as the big brother he needed when I wasn’t even close to being that anymore. He needed someone strong to always have his back, but I’d barely managed to make it through that town hall meeting in one piece. He’d have been horrified if I’d lost control and destroyed that room like I’d destroyed the wing of the military hospital in Germany when I’d learned that Jett had tried to take his own life not one day after his legs had been amputated below the knee.
He was asking for a brother back who no longer existed.
Dallas suddenly began to stand, and I realized it was because I’d been quiet for too long. I reached out to grab his arm before he could get up. As badly as I should let him go, I couldn’t. But I didn’t want to admit why, especially to him. I barely wanted to admit it to myself. He might want his brother back, but what if I was the one who needed mine back? What if Dallas was the one thing that could keep me from going down that rabbit hole of self-destruction that always seemed to be on the edge of my mind, along with the screams and pleas of my dying comrades?
“You said you wanted to tell me about your plans,” I said.
Dallas relaxed and settled back onto the floor.
He typed another message to me, which caught me almost as off guard as the previous one.
Do you need a job?
It was just after eight in the morning when I cut across the back part of the sanctuary’s property. It’d been just over twelve hours since I’d seen Dallas and accepted his offer to continue to help around the sanctuary. We’d argued briefly about the money part of the job, but I’d found a quick way to end the discussion when I’d told him what to do with my earnings. He’d undoubtedly been surprised by the request but hadn’t argued. After all, he knew I didn’t need the money. I’d barely touched my half of the inheritance in the years I’d been in the military. I’d tried giving some of it to Jett, but that hadn’t gone over well, and when I’d nearly lost him over the issue, I’d been forced to let it go.
So technically, I was a very rich man.
But hell if the idea of slogging through knee-deep snow and bone-chilling temperatures for several hours to get to a job where I cleaned up animal shit and fixed broken fencing didn’t sound like the best damn thing in the world.
My body felt comfortably loose and warmed up despite the cold as I made my way past the dog enclosure and along the path between the livestock area and the bear enclosure. I could hear music playing and knew it was likely Nolan playing his early morning serenade for Gentry, the tormented bear. But the beautiful strings piece was just ending, and I was sorry I’d missed it. My plan was to head to the office to check in with Dallas, but I stopped when I heard the music start up again.
It took me a moment to realize what the song was, and I had no doubt it wasn’t Nolan who was playing it.
I turned to go down the little path that led to Gentry’s enclosure and came to a stop when I saw a slim body standing at the end of the path.
Isaac.
His back was to me, so I had a second to take him fully in. He was wearing the same black skinny jeans he seemed to favor. A heavy twill coat was settled on his shoulders. It looked too big for him, so I figured it was probably Dallas’s.
Meaning whatever jacket Isaac owned, if he even owned one, was too thin for the elements.
His hands were tucked into his pockets. He wasn’t wearing a hat, so I could see his black-blue hair catching the glint of the early morning sun. Every once in a while, he’d lift a hand to brush his hair out of his face. My eyes caught on the large gauges in his ears. God, he was such an odd individual. I’d seen people like him from afar, but up close, all the things about him that should have weirded me out just… worked.
And why was that even a thing for me?
That they worked?
Why was I even noticing something like that?
My thoughts drifted to that moment in the motel when I’d ordered him to put on the lip gloss. I’d tried to tell myself it was just to take the attention away from the remnants of the red lipstick that had lingered on his skin, but it was utter bullshit. I’d managed to get rid of all the hated red. I’d just wanted to… fuck, I didn’t know what I’d wanted.