I was trying to catch my breath and pretty much hanging onto Travis to keep myself upright when he said, "Jackson, do you think most straight guys can kiss another man like that?" He was pressing soft, sweet butterfly kisses all around my mouth. I gave up on trying to make sense of any of it and lost myself in every touch, every kiss. It was a good minute before I realized he was still waiting for response.
I wrapped my arms around his neck and threaded my fingers into his thick hair. My body felt warm and tingly and that little spark of hope grew bigger and bigger. But I had to remind myself he was still Travis. The same Travis who liked the flavor of the week.
"Maybe not so straight," I finally said. "I guess you've got a whole new world opened up to you now." I regretted the comment as soon as I made it because I hadn’t managed to say it casually.
Travis leaned back and studied me. His fingers toyed with my hair and stroked down my face. He caressed the stubble on my cheek, then my jaw and I wondered if he was finally coming to terms with the fact that he’d been kissing a man. But his expression was soft and reverent and all the anxiety he'd been exhibiting when he arrived seemed to melt away. He rested his arm on the wall above my head so that he could lean into me again. His mouth was just millimeters from mine.
"The only world I want open to me is yours." I expected him to kiss me again, but instead, Travis pulled back so that our eyes met. "I didn't touch her, Jackson." I realized he was talking about Brandy and I felt my heart fall. But I didn't interrupt him. "Yeah, I kissed her, but I knew you were watching and I just…" He shook his head. "All this stuff was going through my mind, all these thoughts about you and they were so… unexpected. I didn't know what to do with them so I just, I tried to shut my brain off. I took her to the bathroom but as soon as I’d walked in the door, I knew I couldn't touch her. I didn't want to touch her. I told her I changed my mind. She thought I was joking, but I didn't care. All I wanted was to find you and go. Not because I expected you to be there waiting for me but because I needed you. Not anyone… You, Jackson. I needed you. I need you."
I wanted to believe him. I wanted to believe him so badly that I ached with it. I knew I should stop while I was ahead and take whatever I could get from him, but the thought of him regretting all of this tomorrow was like there was a knife being held against my heart. I wouldn't survive it if I gave him those last pieces of me and he cast them aside like they were nothing.
"Travis," I said as I began to shake my head.
"I don't know what's happening to me, but I know it's real. I feel things for you that I've never felt for anyone else before, Jackson. But I’ve refused to acknowledge them. Not because we’re both men or any of that bullshit, but because I wasn't ready. My mom and dad claimed to have all these feelings for each other when I was little, but all it did was destroy them both… and us. What if that happened to me and you, Jackson—"
"It wouldn't," I responded before I realized what I was admitting to. I pulled in a breath and reminded myself that I couldn't make this about what I wanted. Not if Travis was doing it for the wrong reasons. "I won't leave, okay? You don't need to do all this to save our friendship. I—"
Travis kissed me hard and then his hands were roaming over my body. His touch was tentative, but he never once pulled back or hesitated, even when he reached my groin. As he stroked my erection through my jeans, he murmured, "You let all your friends do this to you, Jackson?"
I wondered if he actually expected a response. The best I could do was shake my head briefly even as I pushed my hips forward in the hopes of increasing the contact. Travis obliged me and began rubbing my shaft more firmly.
"Open your eyes and look at me," Travis commanded. I did so without hesitation. He paused his caresses as he said, "This. Is. Real. I don't know what label to put on it or what I'm supposed to call myself now, but I know that I've never wanted anyone more than I want you right now. And from the day we met. I see all those things in you that others are too blind to see. I know I've hurt you and I’m so sorry for that. Please just give me another chance. I don't want to lose you Jackson. You, not the friendship."