Lex let out a long breath and said, "It has."
My insides felt heavy as I added, "I'm not looking for anything, Lex. I know I should've said that from the get-go—"
Lex interrupted me by saying, "We don't make sense together." I wanted to believe there was a hint of disappointment in his voice, though I knew how contradictory that was.
"I don't make sense with anyone. I loved my wife, but it wasn't a good marriage. Maybe if I’d done things differently…" I paused and looked at my hands. They were doing the same thing as Lex's. Winding around each other… as if one hand holding the other would make it feel like we were less alone. Lex must have heard or sensed what I was doing because he stopped the movement with his own hands and placed them over mine.
"Tell me what you need, Gideon," he said softly. I wanted to tell him that I needed to go back to before he’d arrived. When it was easy not to feel or want.
"I want to go back to being numb," I admitted. My eyes stayed on Lex's fingers as he rubbed them back and forth over mine. "I don't miss them as much that way," I heard myself whisper. I didn't even know where the words had come from. I'd intended to leave them locked behind a wall within my heart forever.
"Miss who, Gideon?" Lex asked.
But I couldn't answer him. My throat was too clogged with emotion. I knew my silence would bother Lex, so I tried to find some words, any words, to reassure him that I wasn't ignoring him. But then, to my surprise, Lex stood up. He worked one of his hands between both of mine and linked our fingers together. "Come lie down with me for a while," he murmured and then he was tugging on my hand. I couldn't say no and I didn't really want to, either.
I got up and followed Lex. He had little trouble maneuvering through my living room and toward my bedroom. It was slow going, of course, but something about following him instead of leading him was what I needed in that moment. I could feel the tears pricking the backs of my eyes as old memories began to assail me one by one. By the time we reached my room, I was shaking uncontrollably. The need to flee was strong, but the need to hang on to Lex was stronger.
Lex led me to my bed and then he was working the covers back. He moved in close to me and whispered a soft command for me to lie down. There was nothing sexual in the request or in the way he held my arm as I moved to do his bidding. I slid to the far side of the bed by the wall and lay on my side so I was facing it. The mattress dipped as Lex got in behind me. But it wasn't until he aligned his front with my back and wrapped an arm around my middle so his hand was resting over my heart that the first crack in my armor appeared.
"It's okay, Gideon," Lex whispered in my ear. He said the words over and over, and each time the fissures in the wall I'd built around my heart grew and grew. I was afraid of what would happen next. I wanted to stop it. But instead, my hand was reaching up to cover Lex's where it was pressed against my chest. In addition to telling me it was okay, Lex started to say other things like, "Let go, sweetheart" and "I'm right here, Gideon. I'm right here."
My vision blurred as the tears filled my eyes. The tears I hadn’t shed even once in the past three years. There was no hope of controlling them as they spilled over my lids and slipped down my cheeks.
Hot and wet and endless.
But still, I held out.
And then Lex was leaning over me, his lips skimming my temple and then moving farther down to kiss away the tears that fell. They didn't stop, of course, but that didn't seem to deter Lex. Instead, he pressed his lips to the corner of my mouth. "Let go, Gideon. I'll bring you back."
I did everything I could to stop it. I shook my head violently. I gripped Lex's hand hard enough that it had to hurt. I squeezed my eyes shut as if that would somehow stop everything. I cursed God to hell and back in my head. But nothing worked. Nothing kept the hole inside of me from breaking wide open. I turned in Lex's arms and wrapped myself around him.
And then I did exactly what he’d told me to.
I let go.
Chapter Seventeen
Lex
I could still hear his screams in my head even a week later.