The man was shaking like a leaf. Maybe he'd be fine at some point, but I wanted him to stop hurting now. I wanted to take that terror away from him now. But one glance at his little cars and I knew the answer wasn't to take him away from this because he needed it to make himself feel whole. If I wanted Jude to believe anything beyond what the childhood toys represented, I’d have to show him.
I climbed to my feet and stepped into Jude's body enough to throw him just a little bit off balance. With the nightstand behind him and the bed to one side of him, he was left with only one route of escape and I made sure that was closed off to him by settling my arm on his waist. His body was tense, almost rigid. My gut told me he was trying to figure out his fight or flight options.
I took them both off the table by leaning in and kissing the tender spot just beneath his ear. A rush of air left Jude's lips with every butterfly kiss I pressed to his skin. It didn’t take long before I sensed his surrender. When I pulled back, Jude was standing before me, a mix of desire and confusion in his expression.
"Jude?" I asked as I stroked my knuckles along his jawline. I could still remember what his stubble had felt like against my own sensitive skin when he'd swallowed my dick to the back of his throat.
“Hmmm?" Jude said in response, his eyes half-lidded.
As much as I was enjoying knowing that my touch was leaving Jude spellbound, I wanted to make sure his next answer was his and his alone. So I forced myself to step back just enough that I wouldn't be tempted to give in to my need to taste him again.
I waited until he realized my touch was gone and his eyes popped open. Before he opened his mouth to ask what was wrong, I said the words that I knew were going to change everything, at least for me anyway.
Because I was making a choice.
Hell, who was I kidding?
I'd made the choice a long time ago but was only now finding the courage to admit it. As scared as I was about what his answer might be, there wasn't even an ounce of regret when I held his eyes with mine and whispered, "Can I stay the night?"
Chapter 20
Jude
Can I stay the night?
I had to have heard him wrong.
I had to.
There was just no other explanation.
Nikolai's replacement for the night was already at the door, so I was physically safe and there was no reason for Nikolai to stay behind. After everything I’d told him, I'd just assumed he wouldn’t be able to get away from me fast enough. It wasn’t like I could even blame Nikolai for somehow getting me to expose all my vulnerabilities to him. He’d simply sat down next to me and I’d started blurting out the truth about the damn cars. I hadn't even tried to ease him into any of my crazy.
And yet, here he was, standing before me looking strangely nervous as he waited for my response.
My mind immediately began to conjure up all the reasons why Nikolai would feel obligated to watch over me but I couldn't think of even a single reason why. So did that mean he was asking to stay because he… wanted to?
Surely I couldn’t say yes, could I? What if my neediness made me even more pathetic in his eyes? And complicated wouldn’t even begin to cover what it would be like between us going forward.
So I knew what the right answer was. It was there on the tip of my tongue. But when I opened my mouth to speak, no sound came out.
My body began to quake as I considered what would happen if I did manage to give him the two-letter answer I needed to. It meant I’d miss out on having more time with Nikolai. I wouldn’t get to feel his arms around me again. There’d be no opportunity to memorize every touch of his lips. I’d never hear the softness in his voice when he spoke my name again.
Suddenly, it wasn’t the “right” answer that my mind was commanding my mouth to utter. And yet even with the decision made, I couldn’t say anything at all. What if I’d waited too long and he’d changed his mind? What if he hadn’t really even asked in the first place or I’d misinterpreted the question?
Self-doubt and fear seeped into every nerve ending as I did the only thing I was physically capable of in that moment.
I nodded my head.
And prayed to anyone who was listening that he’d seen it.
It wasn't until Nikolai let out a little breath of air himself that I realized he’d been nervously awaiting my response. I couldn't even begin to process what that meant.