“Simona,” I begin with a sigh. “I saw how amazing you were with my niece Pixie yesterday. I saw how you talked with eagerness and excitement about pregnancy and motherhood with Patty, and my heart broke because that’s something I can never give you.”
The beautiful woman remains stock still, her complexion utterly white.
“I’m sorry?” she asks.
I shake my head sorrowfully, looking at the table.
“You know I was traveling abroad for the past year, right? And how I wasn’t exactly celibate? Well, while I was doing my thing, things got out of hand and I contracted chlamydia. I have no idea how I got it, or whom I got it from. Hell, I have no idea even which continent I was on when I got it.”
She gasps, horror filling her features.
“Oh my god, are you okay?” Simona asks quickly. “Were you able to get treatment while abroad?”
I nod.
“Yes. A well-timed trip to the doctor got me the medication I needed, and I was pretty much cured. But the thing is,” I swallow heavily, “they didn’t catch it early enough, and as result, I’m infertile, Simona. That’s what killed me so much about yesterday’s picnic. I saw how you’d be an amazing mother. I saw how good you are with children, and how it interests you, and how it’s something that suits you perfectly. And honey,” I say, my voice choking now. “I can’t give that to you because chlamydia took that away from me. I’m infertile,” I finish, my voice dying to nothing. “I’ll never be a father.”
God, has anything every been so difficult to admit? No one knows about my condition, not even my brother. There was just no reason to share the news, as I was already cured. Even more, I didn’t care about the infertility because I never saw myself as a doting dad. It was something that only guys like Luke do.
But now, having found Simona, I know that I was completely wrong. I know that I want children with her desperately, and yet I can’t do it. I’m the one who’s broken and imperfect, and even worse, I know I have to let the curvy girl go as a result.
“Honey, I love you so much,” are my broken words. “More than life itself. But again, I saw how you’d be perfect as a mommy, and because I can’t do that for you, I have to let you go. You know that saying, if you love something, then set it free? Well I love you, Simona, but I want you to find your happiness with another man. I want you to have dozens of babies with him.”
I’m dying inside as I say these words, and yet the sentiment is genuine. I adore this woman and want what’s best for her, even if it doesn’t include me in her future.
Simona blinks with shock, as if I’ve started levitating in front of her, but then she shakes her head. “No, James, it can’t be true.”
I look at the table, the pain so great in my chest that I wonder if I’m having a minor heart attack.
“Simona, a doctor confirmed it,” I say in a low voice. “I realize this comes as a shock, and don’t worry, there’s no way that I passed the STD onto you. I’m cured, but the disease wrecked my sperm. It causes DNA fragmentation in sperm, so effectively, my seed is malformed and immobile. I can’t give you a family, honey, and you deserve that. You deserve everything.”
But Simona’s still not accepting it. She shakes her head from side to side so fast that her curls bounce.
“James, that’s just not true,” she says before taking my hand gently and looking directly into my eyes. “You’re not infertile because I’m pregnant with your child right now. I’ve suspected for a little while, but I took a pregnancy test just a couple of hours ago, and it was positive.”
Now I’m the one staring at her with my mouth agape. My pulse races as the air whooshes from my lungs. I desperately need oxygen, but it’s as if I can’t inhale fast enough.
“Are you sure?” I ask in a low voice.
She nods and then stands before darting to the bathroom. A moment later, she reappears with a plastic indicator in her hand and shows me the word “Pregnant” in bold letters on the stick.
“James,” my beautiful brunette says in a low tone. “I’m having your baby. The chlamydia must have been quite a scare, but our child is living proof that your virility is intact, and that you in fact can be a father. Oh, and I love you too.”
With that, I scoop her up into my arms and shower her with kisses. My voice cracks as I whisper hoarsely, “Holy shit. Thank you, honey, I adore you.”
She giggles a bit, although her laugh is mixed with tears.