A guy who most certainly isn’t sitting around crying over me.
Yeah. Exactly. A guy who probably already has dived back into his player ways and found his next big challenge.
It’s harsh reality, but it’s reality.
And today, I’m determined to turn over a new leaf.
After a brief text exchange with my mom this morning, letting her know I’m doing okay and her responses surprisingly devoid of prying or paranoia, I forced myself to take a shower, brush my hair, and get myself presentable enough to go to class.
Property law class, in fact. With my internship credit fully accounted for, this is the only class I still have to attend this semester because, unfortunately for us, Kevin and I both left this class until our third year instead of getting it out of the way early.
Luckily, it’s boring and mundane enough that it just might numb my fucking brain so much it won’t be able to think about anything, namely the man whose name I’m choosing to forget.
“So…what’s going on with you?” Kevin asks as I sink down into a seat beside him.
“Hmm?” I mumble, taking out my computer and getting it set up to take notes.
“You,” Kevin says. “Something is up with you. I know you said you were sick last week, but it’s something else. I can tell.”
I shake my head and purse my lips. “Uh-uh. Nothing’s up.”
“Gemmm…”
“Kevin, I’m fine.”
“Oh, well. Okay, then. No woman in the history of the world has ever said she was fine without actually meaning it before, but sure, you’re fine.”
I turn and glare.
He smirks. “Frankly, I think they should just change the definition of that fucking word altogether. No one is ever fine when they say they are.”
“Kev—”
“What happened with him, Ruby?”
I sigh. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“You know what? Perfect. Neither do I.”
I roll my eyes, and he laughs. “What? You think you’re the only one who can say one thing and mean another?”
“Jesus Christ, you’re a pain in my ass.”
“What happened?”
“He didn’t want me, okay?” I finally snap. A couple other students look up, so I lower my voice to a whisper. “We had sex, and then he decided once was enough. He’s moving on, and so am I.”
“Ruby—” he says with a frown, but I don’t let it go any further than that. I can’t.
Because for as much as I’ve pulled myself together, he’s right. I’m not, in any way, fine.
“Just forget it, Kev. Please. I need you to forget it.”
He studies me closely and then, finally, nods. I take a deep breath and focus back on my computer.
Caplin Hawkins is nothing but a memory.
“I’ll just say this,” Kevin whispers, and I look up from my computer with a scowl. “I feel sorry for all the men in your future.”
The fact that I can’t refute his statement makes my stomach churn.
I hate it, actually, because there’s far too much truth in Kev’s words.
Fuck you, Cap. Fuck you and the handsome, charming, deceiving-manwhore-ship you rode in on. You will not ruin me for all other men. You won’t. I won’t let you. I give myself a scorned woman’s version of a mental pep talk.
I just hope that one day, I’ll actually believe it, too.
Cap
An alarm for book club goes off on my phone, and I shut it down without even looking. I know what time it is, goddamn calendar alert system. I don’t need you mocking me.
My phone hits the sofa table behind my couch with a clatter, and I pull the blanket up higher on my chest. There’s a stain from something right by my nose, but I don’t bother to inspect it.
It’s been eight days since I saw Ruby—since I let her go—and I’m a fucking mess.
Filth, loneliness, and self-loathing. This is my life now.
I grab the remote from underneath a Chinese food container and pump up the volume on Wedding Crashers to an ungodly decibel. The next block over can hear it, I’m sure, but my pain is too loud to back it off at all.
Vince Vaughn is freaking out about being tied to his bed by a hot Isla Fisher, and my face feels wet with shame.
“You don’t love her,” I say at the top of my lungs to Vince. “You don’t even know what love is!”
The remote handy, I toss it at the screen, but my pass is a mess. My hand is covered in grease and the remote something else, and I released it way too soon.
I groan at the thought.
Too soon. I released her too soon.
I am my own waking nightmare. A sad sack of a human being with nothing left but my own useless dick and the memories of the woman I let get away.
Ruby’s face replaces Isla’s in my mind, and I cry out, “Whyyyyy? Why am I such an idiot?”
I jump up off the couch with the blanket wrapped around me and head for the TV in a rush. I’m gonna smash this motherfucker right into the place I wish I were—oblivion.