“How far along?”
“Not a lot. We conceived the first night together. We used condoms but something must have slipped or broken.”
“Oh,” he said.
Seriously? Was that all he had to say? I fidgeted on the couch and suddenly the weight of his arm and hand on my body, even though they were supposed to be comforting started to feel heavy and awkward.
“You see, this is why I didn’t want to tell you,” I said.
“What do you want me to say? I don't know where to start? I've been deluding myself ever since that night, the first night that we got together. I said that I didn't want a relationship and because I had, I just kept saying it even when it stopped being true. Now you've been dealing with a pregnancy on your own for months, not to mention getting stalked by your psycho ex and I feel responsible.”
“You never could have predicted Paul coming back the way he did.”
“I should have been honest with myself and with you from the start. I wanted a relationship with you, I wanted everything with you but I was scared and I kept lying. I could have been there when you took the pregnancy test or went to the hospital for the first time and I missed that.” I looked down at the ground and dug the toe of my shoe into the floor.
“There are going to be more hospital visits. Don't worry, you didn't miss much.”
“That’s not the point Maggie. I tried everything. I tried to shut off my feelings, I lied about how I was feeling, I kept settling for sex when I wanted more. I was stupid and I hurt you and you were pregnant through all of it. I want you to forgive me. It’s shameless to ask for another chance but I want one. I need one. I love you.”
I knew how stupid I looked staring at him but I couldn’t believe it. Knowing his track record, it sounded like a lie. He was telling me things he knew I wanted to hear just so he could get more sex out of me. I didn’t want to play that game and I felt like my guard was up. Every horrible thing I had been trained to think about relationships because of Paul played over in my head.
I didn’t want a relationship at first either. I did the same thing with him but he had been pushing me away for weeks. I had no idea that he felt the same way and honestly, I was a little hurt that all this was happening now.
“That’s… that’s sudden, Toby.” He looked a little confused.
“Sudden?”
“You’ve told me the opposite over and over. Whenever we get close, it’s a matter of time before you pull away again. Sorry but by now I feel like I should know better.” He got up and got in front of me, sinking to the ground so we were face to face.
“I said what I said and I did those things and I’m sorry. It was cowardly and there's nothing I can do about what happened. I’m asking for a chance to prove myself.” My eyes started to water.
“Can you give me a second?” I asked. More confusion on his face.
“Yeah. Of course,” he said. He moved and helped me get up. I walked to my bedroom and pulled the door closed. I sat on the bed and covered my face.
He was right there, what was I doing?
He was finally saying all the right things and I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to say yes but I was primed at this point to take his rejection so much that his open honesty made me anxious.
There was a knock at the door before it opened.
“Maggie? Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” I said, sighing. “Just wondering how long it's going to take you to change your mind again.” He walked over and stood in front of me.
“If you want me to leave, I’ll do it right now and never look back. I’ll organize monthly payments for the baby and if you’ll allow it, visitation, but you’ll never have to see me again. Say the word Maggie and I’ll leave.” I didn’t know how to react to that. He was calm and I could hear the conviction in his voice. He was offering me two futures, one with him and one without him. He could leave me if I let him in, or he could leave me now and I wouldn’t have to worry about when it would happen.
“How can I trust you?” I asked, standing.
“Do you want me to put money on it?” he asked. I pushed his arm, making him smile. “How much?”
“That’s not funny. You have enough money for that not to matter,” I said.
“I’m sorry,” he said. He reached out and hugged me. Was this a trap? I was falling for it. I didn’t want to think about what-ifs right now. I felt like I had everything I wanted right in front of me and for once it was clear what he wanted. Me.
I kissed him.
I stopped thinking. I became intensely aware of him suddenly, like the fact that he was in a tuxedo with his hair slicked back. It never even occurred to me to wonder where he had come from but I wasn’t going to stop and ask him. Orgasm first, questions later.