The words held so much weight, that the moment they slipped out of my mouth, I felt lighter, and instantly sick. As if purging this secret was like purging part of my being.
“I’m telling you this because it’s not fair for me to ask for so much from you and give you nothing in return. I trust you, that’s why I’m telling you. I just…”
I shook my head, unable to look at him, for fear of what I’d see. “I don’t want to talk about it. Because it’s terrible. I understand the idea of not wanting to share something because it’s so bad. But you,” I met his eyes for a moment, which looked like they were forged of black fire, “You changed all that.”
I took a step toward him. “I hate this,” I whispered. “This secret…this feeling…it’s been buried and a part of me for so long, I don’t know who I am without it. Then, I met you, and you made me feel alive. Make me feel like there’s more to life than the past. You’re helping me move past it.”
His chest slowly rose on a long inhale. “Jesus.” He ran a hand through his hair, but didn’t move. I had no idea what to expect. What to say.
My body started shaking slightly and he cupped my shoulders and looked me over. “What’s happening?” he asked.
I could barely hear him. Blood was rushing to my ears, my mind was fogging, and my vision was wavering. I couldn’t breathe, so I tried harder, but it only made it worse.
“P-panic…” I said, but it sounded like a muffled sound in my eardrums. I hadn’t had an attack in so long, but I couldn’t stop it this time. My legs lost their stability, and before I hit the ground, Jack caught me. The last thing I felt was his big arms surrounding me, as my entire body went numb, and my mind went black.
~
“Lana…”
Jack was calling me. I looked around to find him, but it was foggy.
“There you go, baby. Open your eyes.”
I blinked several times. Finally, the haze cleared, and Jack was looking down at me. I was laying on the couch.
“Oh no,” I whispered. “I passed out, didn’t I?”
He stroked the back of his fingers along my cheek. “Is this a recurring thing for you?”
“Not for a while.” By that, I meant not since Brock had moved to New York and away. Harper was the only person who knew and believed me about Brock and the incident. I’d never said it out loud before to another person since that night. Between my father calling earlier, and admitting this dark secret to Jack, my anxiety got the better of me and I tapped out.
“How long was I out?”
“Thirty-four seconds,” Jack said. I couldn’t help but smile. He’d actually counted. “I was going to call an ambulance, but you were mumbling, your eyes fluttering, and you were breathing. Your heart was racing, though.”
“There’s no need for an ambulance. I’m fine.” I looked up at him. Concern laced his face. “Thanks for catching me.”
He cupped my face in both hands and kissed my forehead along my hairline several times. The gesture was so sincere, so sweet, like he cherished me.
“I didn’t mean to come here and be dramatic and—”
“You just said something out loud that, judging by the effect on you, you haven’t spoken of much. Don’t you dare be sorry or think that’s dramatic. That’s brave.”
“I pretend like it’s not a big deal, but, it still haunts me. I just wanted to tell you because you make me feel better. Make me feel stronger and happier.” Though I left the part out about wh
o the person was, I still told him the one thing I’d never told anyone outside of Harper. Of course, I’d told my father, but he didn’t believe or support me.
“Does this change things between us?”
He nodded. “Yes.”
I folded my lips together. It was what I was afraid of. He’d think I was dirty or ruined—
“I’ve never respected anyone more in my life,” he said, and my pulse skipped. “But this is the first time where I’m fighting my instinct on what to do.”
“What do you mean?”
He shook his head. “I want to make this better…yet, I feel like all I’ve done is make it worse. Played on a bad moment of your life.”