Ridge: I think Im a little confused right now. Are you not pissed at me?
Me: Should I be?
Ridge: Considering what happened last night, I would say so.
Me: I have no more of a right to be mad at you than you do to be mad at me. Im not saying Im not upset, but how will being mad at you help us work through this?
He reads my message and expels a huge breath, leaning his head back against the headboard. He closes his eyes for a moment before lifting his head and responding to me.
Ridge: Maggie showed up last night an hour after I got back to my room. I was convinced you were going to barge in and tell her what a jerk I am for kissing you. Then, in the kitchen earlier, when I saw you standing outside your door, I was bracing myself.
Me: I would never tell her, Ridge.
Ridge: Thank you for that. So what now?
Me: I dont know.
Ridge: Can we not do the thing where we brush it under the rug and act like it never happened, because I dont think thats going to work with us. I have a lot I need to say, and Im scared if I dont say it right now, Ill never say it.
Me: I have a lot to say, too.
Ridge: You first.
Me: No, you first.
Ridge: How about we go at the same time? When were both finished typing, well hit send together.
Me: Deal.
I have no idea what hes about to say to me, but I dont let it influence what I need to say to him. I tell him exactly what I want him to know, then I pause and wait for him to finish typing. When he finally stops, we look at each other, and he nods, and we both hit enter.
Me: I think what happened between us happened for a lot of reasons. Were obviously attracted to each other, we have a lot in common, and under any other circumstance, I honestly believe wed be good for each other. I could see myself with you, Ridge. Youre smart, talented, funny, compassionate, sincere, and a little bit evil, which I like. ;) And last nightI cant even describe it. It is by far the most Ive ever felt while kissing someone. Although the feelings arent all good. Theres a lot of guilt mixed in there, too.
So as much as the thought of us being together makes sense, it also makes no sense whatsoever. I cant leave a relationship with as much hurt as I did and expect to find happiness within a few short weeks. Its too fast, and I still want to be on my own, no matter how right something might feel.
I dont know where your head is, and honestly, Im scared to hit enter on this message, because I want us to be on the same page. I want us to work together to try to push past whatever it is were feeling so we can continue to make music and be friends and pull ridiculous pranks on Warren. Im not ready for that to end, but if my being here is too hard or makes you feel guilty when youre with Maggie, Ill leave. Just say the word, and Ill go. Well, I guess you cant really SAY the word. You could TYPE the word, and Ill go. (Sorry for the lame joke at your expense, but theres just too much seriousness going on right now.)
Ridge: First and foremost, Im sorry. Im sorry I put you in that position. Im sorry I couldnt be stronger in that moment. Im sorry I broke my promise to you about never becoming a Hunter. But Im mostly sorry for leaving you crying on your bed last night. Walking out and leaving that whole situation unresolved was the worst move I could have made.
I wanted to come back and talk to you, but when I finally worked up the courage, Maggie showed up. If I knew she was coming, I would have warned you. After what I did to you last night and then seeing the look on your face when you saw us together this morning, I knew it was one of the most hurtful things I could have done.
I have no idea whats going through your head, but I have to say this, Sydney. No matter how I feel about you or how much I think we could work, I will never, ever leave her. I love her. Ive loved her since the moment I met her, and Ill love her until the moment I die.
But please dont let that take away from how I feel about you. I never thought it was possible to have honest feelings for more than one person, but youve convinced me of how incredibly wrong I was. Im not going to lie to myself and say I dont care about you, and Im definitely not going to lie to you. I just hope you understand where Im coming from and that you will give us a chance to navigate through this, because I believe we can. If there are two people in this world capable of figuring out how to be friends, its us.
We read through each others messages. I read his more than once. I didnt expect him to be so forthcoming and honest, especially about the fact that he cares about me. I never for one second expected him to contemplate leaving Maggie for me. That would be the worst outcome of all of this. If he left her and we attempted to build a relationship from that, it would never work. The entire relationship would be built on betrayal and deceit, and those two things have never made and will never make for a good foundation.
Ridge: Wow. Im impressed with us. Were both so mature.
His comment makes me laugh.
Me: Yes, we are.
Ridge: Sydney, I cant tell you what your message just did for me. Seriously. I feel like the weight of all nine planets (because yes, Pluto will always be a planet to me) has been crushing my chest since the moment I walked away from you last night. But knowing that you dont hate me and that youre not mad and that you arent concocting an evil revenge scheme feels so damn good right now. Thank you for that.
Me: Hold on. I never said I wasnt concocting an evil revenge scheme. ;) Also, while were being so blunt, can I ask you a question?
Ridge: What did I tell you about initiating a question with whether or not you can propose a question?
Me: Oh, my God, I cant believe I ever kissed you. Youre so ANNOYING!
Ridge. LOL. Whats your question?
Me: Im concerned. We obviously have an issue with the fact that were attracted to each other. How do we get past that? I want to write music with you, but I also know that the few moments weve had that wouldnt make Maggie very happy have all been while were writing music. I think Im just too desirable when Im being creative, and I want to know what I need to do to lessen my attractiveness. If thats even possible.
Ridge: Keep up the egotism. Its very unattractive, and if it continues, I wont even be able to look at you in a weeks time.
Me: Deal. But what do I do about my attraction to YOU? Tell me some personal flaws that I can engrave into my memory.
He laughs.
Ridge: I sleep so late on Sundays I dont even brush my teeth until Monday.
Me: Thats a start. I need a few more.
Ridge: Lets see. Once, when Warren and I were fifteen, I had a crush on a girl. Warren didnt know I liked her, and he asked me if I would ask her out for him. I did, and she agreed, because apparently, she had a crush on Warren in return. I told him she said no.
Me: Ridge! Thats terrible!
Ridge: I know. I need a flaw from you now.
Me: When I was eight, we went to Coney Island. I wanted an ice cream, and my parents wouldnt buy me one because I was wearing a new shirt that June Cleaver didnt want me to get dirty. We were walking by a trash can, and there was a melted ice cream cone in it, so when my parents turned around, I picked it up and started eating it.
Ridge: Yeah, thats pretty gross. But you were only eight, so it really doesnt count. I need something more recent. High school? College?
Me: Oh! One time in high school, I spent the night at a girls house who I didnt know very well. We made out. I wasnt into it, and it was really gross, but I was seventeen and curious.
Ridge: No. That does NOT count as a flaw, Sydney. Jesus Christ, work with me here.
Me: I like the smell of puppy breath.
Ridge: Better. I cant hear my own farts, so sometimes Ill forget that other people can hear them.
Me: Oh, my God. Yes, this is the type of thing that definitely sheds a different light on you. I think Ill be good for a while.
Ridge: One more from you, and then I think well be equally repulsed.
Me: A few days ago, when I was getting off the campus bus, I noticed Toris car was gone. I used my extra key to let myself into her apartment, because I needed a few things I had forgotten. Before I left, I opened all her bottles of liquor and spit in them.
Ridge: For real?
I nod, because Im too ashamed to type the word yes.
He laughs.
Ridge: Okay. I think were good. Meet me here at eight tonight, and well see if we can navigate through a song. If we need to take breaks from the music every now and then in order to replenish our repulsiveness with a few more flaws, just let me know.
Me: Deal.
I close my laptop and begin to slide off the bed, but he grabs my wrist. I turn around, and hes looking at me with a serious expression. He leans over and grabs a pen, then picks up my hand and writes: Thank you.
I press my lips together and nod. He releases my hand, and I walk back to my room, attempting to ignore the fact that all the repulsive details in the world couldnt stop my heart from reacting to that simple gesture. I look down at my chest.
Hey, heart. Are you listening? You and I are officially at war.
Ridge
As soon as shes out of my bedroom and the door shuts behind her, I close my eyes and exhale.
Im thankful that she isnt angry. Im thankful that she isnt vindictive. Im thankful that shes reasonable.
Im also thankful that she appears to have more willpower than I do, because whenever Im around her, Ive never felt so weak.
13.
Sydney
Not much has changed in the way we practice together, other than the fact that we practice five feet apart from each other. Weve completed a couple of songs since the kiss, and although the first night was a little awkward, we seem to have found our groove. We havent talked about the kiss, and we havent talked about Maggie, and we havent discussed why he plays on the floor and why I write alone on the bed. Theres no reason to discuss it, because were both very aware of all of it.
The fact that weve admitted our attraction to each other doesnt seem to have eliminated it the way wed hoped. For me, its like a huge elephant in the room. It feels as if it takes up so much space when Im with him that it presses me against the wall, squeezing the last traces of breath out of me. I keep telling myself itll get better, but its been almost two weeks since the kiss, and it hasnt gotten easier at all.
Luckily, I have two interviews next week, and if I get hired, at least itll get me out of the house more. Warren and Bridgette both work and go to school, so theyre not here a whole lot. Ridge works from home, so the fact that were both here alone the majority of the day is always at the front of my mind.
Out of all the hours in the day, though, the hour I hate the most is when Ridge is in the shower. Which means I really hate this hour, since thats where he is right now. I hate where my thoughts go when I know hes one wall away from me, completely unclothed.