“I know,” Gabriel said, and the tone of his voice made Jared look at him—really look at him.
Gabriel’s eyes were wide and troubled, his shoulders tense beneath the soft green sweater he was wearing. “I know,” he said again. “I’m not that insensitive. I know how awkward this must be for you. I fucking know it!” He drew a shaky breath in. “Do you think I like it? That I like making you feel shitty? I hate it. And I’m scared shitless.”
“Of what?”
Gabriel looked him in the eye. “That you’ll end up regretting it. That you’ll regret leaving that guy and moving here for my sake when I don’t have much to give you.” He smiled without mirth. “I said I’d make you happy, but you know me: I get carried away sometimes. Maybe I can’t do it. I’ll probably end up disappointing you and making you unhappy.” His lips pressed into a thin line. “Maybe I should have left you alone. That guy—Oscar—he could give you things I can’t, but...” Gabriel’s jaw worked. He leaned his forehead against Jared’s shoulder. “But I just can’t. It eats at me from the inside.”
Jared stared blankly at the opposite wall.
“You know the most fucked up part?” Gabriel said, his voice muffled a little. “If Claire falls in love with someone else, I’ll let her go. It would suck, but I would respect her decision. Because I want her to be happy. But it’s different with you. When I imagine you loving someone else—someone else being more important to you than me—it drives me mad. You’re mine. Mine and no one else’s.” His hand fisted Jared’s shirt. His voice became tight. “It’s fucking silly, but I honestly feel like—like you were created for me and no one else has the right to have you.” Gabriel chuckled, still hiding his face in Jared’s shoulder. “Say it: I’m a weirdo. I’m sick.”
Jared struggled to control his body’s reaction. Gabriel’s strange possessiveness always did things to him. He knew Gabriel didn’t really mean it in a sexual way, but there was something vaguely sexual in his possessiveness, whether Gabriel meant it or not. “You’re a weirdo,” he said, stroking Gabriel’s nape and dropping a kiss in his hair.
“But you love me anyway, right?” The neediness in Gabriel’s voice was impossible to miss.
“I love you,” Jared said. The words tasted bittersweet on his tongue, but it was also a relief to be able to say them. He tipped Gabriel’s face up and dragged his mouth gently across Gabriel’s jaw. “I love you.”
Gabriel practically melted into him, tucking his face into the crook of Jared’s neck. “I love you more,” he whispered, brushing his lips against Jared’s throat. A chaste kiss. Chaste words.
But there was nothing chaste about the way his body reacted. Jared’s heart was hammering in his chest, the familiar mix of want and longing, pain and euphoria coursing through his veins.
Jared closed his eyes and wondered if this was how it felt to be between heaven and hell.
Chapter 15: Sleeping Arrangements
It was two in the morning and Jared still lay wide awake, gazing into a room filled with shadows. After months of living in a noisy big city, the quiet of the English countryside seemed strange. The house was completely silent. Even the baby had stopped crying a while ago.
The baby. Gabriel and Claire’s son.
Jared still wasn’t sure how he had managed to put on a smile and say all the right things when Claire had brought the baby downstairs. He’d thought he was prepared for it, but nothing could have prepared him for the reality of seeing Gabriel’s child—his child with his woman. After the dinner, Jared excused himself, saying that he was tired after the flight, and left the room, ignoring the concerned look on Gabriel’s face.
That was six hours ago.
Six hours of thinking in circles and wondering what he was even doing here.
The baby had Gabriel’s eyes. And his nose. And his stubborn chin.
“Enough,” Jared whispered. That way lay madness.
The door creaked open.
His eyes darted toward it, but he couldn’t see much. The night was moonless and it was too dark in the room.
There were footsteps approaching the bed.
“Gabe?”
“How did you guess?”
“I don’t think Claire would come to my room in the middle of the night.” Jared tried to sound amused, but he wasn’t sure he had pulled it off.
He heard Gabriel pause by the bed for a moment. Then he slid under the comforter.
Jared tensed. “What are you doing?”
“Couldn’t sleep,” Gabriel said, as though that explained everything. He rolled over, threw an arm over Jared’s bare chest, cheek to his shoulder, and sighed contentedly. “Mmm, much better. Fuck, I’m so tired.”
“Gabe—”
“Hold me. You know I sleep like a baby when you hold me.”
Jared smiled. “You’re spoiled rotten.”
“If I’m spoiled rotten, then it’s your own fault,” Gabriel said, yawning. “You’re the only one who ever spoiled me.”