Christian shoved his hands into his pockets and walked. The snow crunched under his feet and soaked into his shoes.
He felt cold to his bones.
“Merry Christmas,” he whispered and laughed, the sound sharp and brittle.
Chapter 12
Christian had seen some unlikely couples before, but nothing had ever come close to the affair between his best friend and Professor Rutledge. Except it wasn’t even an affair anymore: Shawn had actually moved in with Rutledge, which was mind-boggling on so many levels Christian still had trouble believing it.
“Ashford,” Rutledge greeted him, opening the door.
“Professor,” Christian said awkwardly and entered the house. The man might be his best friend’s lover, but there was no way in hell he could call Rutledge by his first name.
“Shawn is there,” Rutledge gestured to the door to his left before giving Christian a hard look. “I’m working, so do not disturb me. Keep your voice down.”
“Yes, sir,” Christian said. What was it about this man that made him feel like he was three inches tall?
The door opened and Shawn’s head emerged. “Are you bullying Christian again?” he said with an eye-roll.
Rutledge raised an eyebrow. “Me? Bullying?”
Giving him a long-suffering look, Shawn walked to Rutledge and kissed him. “Go work on your book while you still can. Don’t forget that you promised Bee and Emily you’d take them shopping. They’re super excited—they’ve wanted a puppy for ages.”
“Yes, black and fluffy,” Rutledge said with a pinched expression on his face.
Shawn grinned. “And with a white star on its forehead! That’s very important for Emily.”
Rutledge gave him a glare. “What if there’s no such puppy?”
“I’m sure you can bully people into finding you one,” Shawn said. “Go work before they wake up.”
Shaking his head and looking moderately irritated, Rutledge kissed Shawn on the lips and headed upstairs, presumably to his office.
“This is seriously creeping me out, man,” Christian said, blinking.
Shawn snorted and led him into the room. “Sometimes it still weirds me out, too.” He flopped down onto the couch and smiled widely. “But I’ve never been so happy.”
Christian looked around the elegant room. “I bet it doesn’t hurt that he’s loaded, huh?”
Shawn just laughed. “So,” he said, turning the TV off. “What’s up with you lately?” He looked at Christian intently, his blue eyes serious. Those were some beautiful eyes, but they were light blue, not at all like—
Christian cringed. This was getting ridiculous.
“I mean, I’ve been a shitty friend lately,” Shawn said with a sheepish look. “Things have been crazy, and Derek practically took over my life. I know it’s a bad excuse, but—”
“Don’t sweat it,” Christian said, sinking into a comfy-looking armchair.
“So, what’s up?” Shawn asked. “You’ve been kind of weird for a while.”
Christian rubbed the corner of his left eye. “Remember the threesome I had with Mila and her boyfriend?”
Shawn nodded, but he was frowning. “Wasn’t it a month ago?”
“Yeah,” Christian said. “The thing is, it wasn’t the only time it happened. Basically, it’s been going on for a month—well, until Christmas.”
Shawn’s eyes widened slightly. “For so long? But you usually don’t…”
“No, I usually don’t,” Christian said quietly.
There was a long silence, during which Christian found three screws on the ceiling and one small stain on the wall that might have been a bug at one time, though he couldn’t imagine Rutledge smashing a bug.
“Are you in a relationship with them?” Shawn said, his voice slow and confused.
The laugh that left Christian’s throat was a bit strained. “No. They’re a couple, and I’m their fuck-toy. That’s it.”
“You aren’t telling me something. I know you, Chris.”
Christian looked at his hands.
“I don’t want a threesome,” he whispered.
“You mean…” Shawn sounded shocked.
“Yeah. I’m fucking jealous. And I hate it. It’s driving me nuts.”
“Jealous of whom? Him…or her?”
“Her,” Christian said, his voice flat. “I hate watching her touch him, and kiss him—and fuck him.” Christian chuckled. “I know; it’s ridiculous. She has every right to touch him—she’s been his girlfriend for two years. I’m nothing to him. But…”
“Are you in love with him?”
Christian licked his lips. “I—I don’t know.” He smiled humorlessly. “If this is love, it fucking sucks. I always thought love was supposed to make people happy. I’ve never felt so shitty before. It’s not even just sex. I hate it when I see them together, when I watch them be all couple-y and cute. She can touch him whenever she wants. She holds his hand. She spends nights with him—she lives with him.”
He met Shawn’s eyes. “I’m starting to hate her, you know. She doesn’t deserve it. She’s a fun, nice girl. I used to like her. And now I kinda want to claw her eyes out, stomp my foot like a kid and shout ‘Mine!’ every time she touches him. And I’m sure she already knows I want more of him. She wants me gone. I know that.” Chris snorted. “And I can’t say I blame her.” He sighed heavily, running a hand over his face. “It’s driving me nuts. And it’s…it’s fucking stupid. I barely know him. I don’t understand him. But it’s like… I can’t separate sex from emotion, you know? I always could before, but with him, I just can’t. I want to please him. Want him to like me. It’s fucking ridiculous.”