The comfort of touch dragged Cole’s soft insides out into the open. He needed to end this agony for good and forget Ned O’Leary. Maybe with time, it would be as if both their love, and their hate had been only a bad dream.
“We should leave now. Will you wait for me?” Cole whispered once he trusted his voice again.
Tommy put on a brave face and nodded, wiping away his tears.
“Just be real quiet,” Cole warned and walked off with a growing sense of emptiness in his chest. The room next to the office, which had been open before, was now shut, and one lamp was missing from the desk as Cole faced the interior. A treacherous part of him wished to find Ned still there, or have him surprise Cole while he packed, but he needed to let go of such fantasies.
Most of his belongings hadn’t been unpacked, and almost all of Tommy’s—left on the horse they’d ended up leaving behind, but as he leaned down to pick up the saddle, his gaze wandered to the desk.
It would have been too cruel to leave without a word. The ties binding their lives would be permanently severed, but Ned needed to know what happened to Tommy at least, so Cole approached the desk and froze, noticing that Ned’s jacket, the one with fringed sleeves and the lock of Cole’s own hair hidden in the lining, hung on the chair behind it, like an excuse for Ned to come back at night. Frost overcame Cole’s back, rubbing against him like death itself, and as he approached the garment, lured by its promise of warmth, hesitation clutched his stomach.
But some hard decisions still needed to be made.
Cole picked up the jacket, not wanting to sit on it, but as his fingers touched the leather, the urge to bury his face in its folds became too strong, and he breathed in the musky aroma clinging to the lining.
It smelled of wind. And damp earth. And leaves. Of nights in Ned’s bed and sweet words whispered in moments when they both let their guard down. With a rock growing in his throat, Cole sat in the chair and draped the jacket across his shoulders. It felt heavy, like Ned’s arms, and when he focused on the contents of the open drawer, its warm, musky weight was so easily mistaken for Ned’s that Cole let himself believe the illusion. Sentiment kept gnawing at him as he put a piece of paper in front of him, but once he made the first line with a pencil, words flowed from under his hand, even if laboriously.
Ned,
There was much bad blod between us, but I wish you wel. Maybe once enough time pases, I wil be able to fink back on all dis with fondness. I’l go wherever the wind takes me. Maybe even to Mexico, so I can see my daddy’s kountry.
Judif is an honest woman. I wil leave my savings wif her. She can kare for Tommy until he is al grown up, so don’t worry about him. Just worry about yourself, Ned. I wil not see you again, but if you start drinkin, I wil know, so don’t disapoint me or I’l haunt you when I die. You do dat, and I’l try learn dose akursed bird kries.
Take kare of yourself and find a new home so you kan be safe dere.
He hesitated, with his throat pulsing as if his heart were trapped in the narrow windpipe, but there was no point in further ripping at the seams of old wounds. So he put his name under all this and reluctantly placed the letter on the jacket, securing it with the piece of bark they’d marked with their initials such a long time ago.
Perhaps this time, it would not go up in flames, but despite the hurt and anger burning his veins, Cole wanted to leave Ned with a memento of the bond they used to share, and which still meant so much, no matter how dysfunctional their relationship has been in the past few months.
He found it difficult to let go of the old wood, but there was no point in torturing himself any further, so he snuffed the lamp, took his belongings and carried them downstairs. By the time he reached the spot where he’d left Tommy and Dog, the boy was fast asleep and only awoke once Cole shook him, after saddling Carol.
“Rise and shine,” Cole whispered, even though he barely saw anything in the faint light.
The boy didn’t say a thing, too sleepy to inquire about Dog, but the animal belonged to Ned, so it needed to stay. It was only when Cole put Tommy on the saddle and led him through the open door that the boy signed.
[What about Ned?]
The question pulled Cole right back to the office, the letter, and the love that brought him way more pain than joy. But he would not succumb to weakness again and shut the door behind them.