“This is where I liked to relax.”
Jake went over to the kitchen to grab himself a drink, but stopped, looking out the window at the vast city stretching all the way to the horizon. It was never-ending, like Jake’s future life—too big to wrap one’s head around. “Are we just going to pretend the world is not about to end, and I’m not immortal? This is insane.”
Vars sighed behind him, and the distinct sound of his footsteps approached Jake. “I know it’s difficult. But we can only do so much.”
“You don’t get it, Vars. I don’t even know what I wanna do five years from now, let alone a hundred,” Jake said, trying to contain the anxiety that formed a heavy ball in his gut.
“You’ll figure it out. Just take it five years at a time,” Vars said, pulling Jake close again. This time, he put his chin on Jake’s shoulder in a gesture Jake had gotten addicted to. He loved feeling the weight of Vars’s head and the softness of the thick beard against his skin. He could never resist looking back and rubbing his cheek on the fluffy facial hair that was so incredibly soothing.
“What will my place in the world be? Will I have to move every twenty years? Get new documents? Pretend I’m dead? See my brother and sister die? See their kids die?” He whispered the last one, seeking the shelter only Vars could offer him.
“Your place is with me,” Vars said in a calm, low tone, and his arms briefly tightened around Jake’s chest. The words rang so true Jake knew in his heart that Vars truly meant them.
He curled his shoulders, but then slowly turned in the embrace and hugged Vars back. They were now more alike than Jake could have imagined. Neither of them would be getting any older, which meant that he could remain Vars’s perfect boy forever. Vars didn’t just want a boyfriend. He’d made it clear that he craved for Jake to become his mate for eternity.
Vars hummed in amusement and kissed Jake’s temple, gently petting his back. “No protests? I like that.”
“Because I want my place to be with you.” Jake briefly closed his eyes. Vars’s touch had a way of unraveling the tangles of nerves inside of him. “You make everything seem so simple.”
Vars smiled, his blue eyes framed by crow’s feet, which made him appear more mature, more handsome. “I do love untangling your problems.”
Jake ran his fingers up the back of Vars’s T-shirt as the tightness in his throat grew. “I never told you, but I kind of... had those feelings since high school.”
“What kind of feelings?” Vars asked, holding Jake in the middle of this quaint, lovely apartment. With him at Jake’s side, every problem seemed solvable, no matter how difficult.
“I want someone to take care of me, make the important decisions. And I want to obey them.” Jake pressed his cheek against Vars’s shoulder, shuddering slightly from the weight of what he’d said. “It makes me happy when my good work is acknowledged. The first man I wanted to please was my high school football coach, and I did everything he asked me. Came to every practice, gave my all in training, and even got better at studying, because he wanted me to. I had this overpowering feeling that I was doing well, that he liked me more than any other guy on the team, that no one’s achievements pleased him as much as mine.
“So I wanted to make him even happier, or I just got greedy, and one time when everyone was gone, I kinda… I waited until he was in the shower, and I went in there, on my fucking hands and knees, and offered myself to him.”
Vars closed his eyes with a frown. “Uh-huh. That was... a gamble.”
Jake groaned. “It was so dumb. I see it now, but I was obsessed with the guy. Nothing went as planned, of course. He was straight, he told me what an embarrassment I was to everyone, and he basically kicked me off the team, under the pretense that I quit. And I had to pretend I had, or he would tell my parents. I wasn’t even out yet. He was the first guy I made a move on. Ever.”
Vars hugged him tighter in silent support. Jake was glad there weren’t any you-shouldn’t-have-done-thats or you’re-a-morons coming his way.
“Already back then, it was a turn-on when I imagined him ordering me around, making me train really hard, and then punishing me if I couldn’t run any more laps. First with a paddle, but then with his dick. Of course.” Jake snorted, melting into Vars’s warm, leather-scented arms. He’d never shared any of this with anyone, having pushed this humiliation deep into the back of his mind where it festered, producing fumes that constantly filled Jake with shame. Revealing that painful secret to someone he trusted was like throwing off invisible shackles.