I need to stop being a victim and start taking charge. So I’m going to.
Holly is banging around in the kitchen. I can hear the sound of pots and pans as well as her swearing. I need to apologise to her before I do anything else, so I drag myself out of bed and traipse out to the kitchen.
She slows as she sees me come in. “How are you feeling, grumpy?”
I run my fingers through my hair and slide onto a stool at the counter. “A little better.”
“Good. Did you call Mum to let her know you went?”
“Yes.” I pause, trying to figure out exactly what I want to say to her, but decide I have no idea except I really just need to apologise for being a bitch. “I’m sorry, Hols. I lost my shit and said stuff and did stuff I regret. And as much as I wish I could say I won’t do it again, I p
robably will, because I suck at life right now.”
My sister isn’t one for letting me get away with making bullshit excuses for my behaviour, so she’s quick to pull me into line. “Zar, you don’t suck at life; you suck at calming the fuck down and thinking things through before getting all hot-headed and making crappy choices. And if you keep telling yourself you suck, your brain will start believing it, so stop that shit.” She softens and adds, “Also, give yourself a break; you went through something awful and that’s going to take some time to get over.”
I nod as I glance around the kitchen, noting the meal she’s making for dinner. “Do we have visitors coming over?”
“One visitor. Jackie. I’m making a roast, and I’ll have heaps of veggies for you.”
Jackie is her current girlfriend. Holly dates a lot and doesn’t generally keep her girlfriends for long, but Jackie has been around for just over a month, so I’m thinking Holly must really like her. I’ve met her a few times and I like her, but having dinner with the two of them isn’t something I want to do. The last time I saw them together, they were all over each other, and I’m not in the mood for that tonight.
“Don’t worry about cooking for me. I’m going to go out.”
“Where?”
“I think I might go see a movie.” The local cinema always has half-price movies on a Tuesday night.
“Are you sure you’re in the right frame of mind to be alone? I can call Jackie and tell her not to come over if you want. We could watch a movie together.”
I hop off the stool with a shake of my head. “No, I’m good.”
“Zara,” she says, a slight warning tone in her voice, “Going out by yourself at night might be a trigger. Is it wise to put yourself in that kind of situation yet?”
Ignoring the uncertainty swirling in my tummy, I say, “I think maybe I need to do this. Maybe forcing myself to face the fear will be good for me. And besides, Fury or one of the guys will be close by if I need them.” Not that I’ll ever ask Fury for help, but knowing a familiar face is close will help me feel safe.
She nods slowly. “Okay.”
I can tell she’s not convinced at all. “Hols, it’s not like I’ll be walking the streets like I was that night. I’m going to park close to the door of the cinemas. I’ll be safe.”
“Make sure you check your surroundings at all times,” she calls out as I head out of the kitchen.
This is the thing no one gets; I’m always checking my surroundings. It’s become an obsessive habit I can’t shut off. Before I get in my car, I check in the windows to make sure there’s no one in there. Before I get out of the car, I scan the area to see who’s around. I keep an eye on anyone who comes into my line of sight anywhere I go. I check every room and cupboard in the house whenever I come home to make sure no one is hiding anywhere. If I’m home alone, I have a knife close by at all times. And the list goes on. I’ve turned into a nervous wreck since the night I was mugged, and it’s exhausting. I need to find a way out of this hell and I’ve read how exposing yourself to the situations you fear can help overcome the fear, so I’m hopeful going out tonight by myself might help.
I shower and wash my hair. I then choose a long flowing red dress to wear, curl my long hair into loose beach waves, and apply some make-up. I take more time with any of this than I’ve taken in the two months since I was mugged. I’ve felt a need to do whatever I can to take attention off myself since then. The day of the barbeque at the clubhouse was the first day in a long time I wanted attention back on me. I wanted Fury’s attention. I wore a prettier dress than I’ve chosen in months and dressed it with jewellery. It felt good to do that. Tonight, after the shitty day I’ve had, I want to feel good about myself, and the thing I’ve realised is that although I’ve been desperate to shut off my femininity—the part of myself I blame for all the things that happened that night—it doesn’t serve me to do that. I’ve been so up and down, not only because of the emotions strangling me, but also because I’ve stopped being me.
I really liked Fury and his attention. And even if it wasn’t real, it drew me out of my shell. Out of the shell I’ve put myself in for months. Being around him reminded me of the good parts of myself. It reminded me I like to laugh and have a good time. I like to flirt with guys. I like to feel pretty and good about myself. And fuck it if any of those things don’t fit into what others think are worthwhile characteristics; they help make up the person I am. And I’m really starting to think that if I have any hope of fixing what’s wrong with me, I need to cling to me.
After saying goodbye to Holly, I head into the garage and reverse out. I expect to see Fury outside, but I don’t. I don’t see anyone out there. Reversing onto the street, I come to a stop and check all around me; there’s not one club member in sight.
My hands grip the steering wheel tighter, my fear slowly bubbling up. My paranoia, too. That asshole kicks into top gear, sending a stream of unhelpful thoughts through my mind. I imagine everything from Fury being hurt, to me being targeted next, to Holly being hurt if I leave her home alone, to Fury deciding I’m not worth protecting anymore, to a million other scenarios.
Stop!
For God’s sake, just fucking stop.
I can’t take it anymore.
I take a deep breath and exhale it before pulling my phone out and calling King.