I frowned. “I am talking to you.”
Shaking his head, he said, “No, words are coming out of your mouth, but I can tell they’re not the words you should be saying. There’s something else you’re keeping from me, and I want to know what it is.”
I sighed. “Trust me, Nash, you don’t want to hear this. Not today. Please just let it go, and I promise I will talk to you about it soon.” I was almost begging him, but I knew he wouldn’t accept what I’d said. However, I held my breath, hoping.
Determination flashed in his eyes. “I’m not letting it go, so start talking,” he demanded.
I stared at him for what felt like a long time, but what was probably only a minute or so. Taking a deep breath, I opened up. “I want kids,” I said softly, fearful of where this admission would lead us.
His eyes didn’t leave mine, but his shoulders tensed and his breathing slowed. “I didn’t think you could have kids,” he said slowly, and I sensed his hesitation to continue the conversation.
“I struggle to carry a baby to term and the doctor said I may never be able to have a child, but he didn’t say it was impossible.” I watched him, waiting for his reaction, not sure of what it would be.
His forehead creased in a frown. “So you’re saying you want kids now? As in soon?”
Oh hell, I’d opened a can of worms now. “No, I’m . . .” My words drifted off as I stood and ran my fingers through my hair. Looking down at him, I continued, “I don’t want them right now, but I need you to know that I do want them eventually. I don’t know where you and I will end up, but if kids isn’t something you want, we need to have that out on the table now so we both know where we stand.” Shit, was I really ready for this conversation? It could mean the end of Nash and me if he didn’t want kids because I wasn’t sure I could compromise on this.
He stood and came to me, his hands taking hold of my arms. His grip was firm and his eyes demanded my complete attention. “I’ll tell you where you and I will end up – together. This isn’t a short-term thing for me and I sure as hell hope it isn’t for you either.” He stopped talking, clearly waiting for confirmation from me on that.
“It’s not short-term for me,” I said, and his relief was written across his face.
“So we’re in this together for the long haul, and although I hadn’t thought about it, I guess we do need to talk about kids.” He stopped for a moment and took a breath, and in that moment, I knew he was struggling with this. But my man never let me down and today was no different. “Having another child scares the absolute fuck outta me, but I’d do anything for you, and that includes considering this.”
Consider it.
That didn’t mean he would do it.
I swallowed back my fear and gave him a smile. “Okay,” I said softly, not sure what else to say. He hadn’t given me what I was looking for, but at the same time, he hadn’t taken it off the table.
His eyes narrowed on me. “That’s not enough for you, is it?”
My heart beat wildly in my chest. “I don’t know,” I admitted. “I’m not getting any younger, Nash. What’s to say you consider it for too long before agreeing to it and then it’s too late for me?”
He contemplated that for a few moments. His brows pulled together and he rubbed the back of his neck. “Am I missing something here? Is this an either/or thing?”
I hated putting this to him, but I couldn’t take it back now. I took a step towards him, but the way his body tensed at my approach made me halt. My mouth went dry and worry crept over my skin. “This is an I-need-to-know-what-you’re-thinking thing, Nash,” I answered, having to force the words out.
His heavy breaths caused his chest to rise and fall with force. Silence circled us, claustrophobic almost, while he processed what I’d said. Finally, he replied, “Fuck, Velvet, I don’t know what I’m thinking. Having another child isn’t something I’ve ever thought about. Losing Aaron almost killed me and I’m not sure I could go through that again and make it out alive. I still struggle with i
t every day; some days all I wanna do is take a fuckin’ bottle of whiskey and wipe that shit from my mind. But if you’re standing in front of me and telling me you’re not gonna stick around if I don’t want a kid with you . . . fuck, baby, I don’t want to lose you.” His eyes desperately clung to mine, as if he was willing me to hear him. As if he was begging me to fix this for us, but I wasn’t sure I could.
My words stuck in my throat and all I wanted to do was take my man into my arms and hold him until his hurt fled, but I knew it never would. This was something that would stay with him until his last breath, and while I could help him live with it, and be there for him when he needed me, I could never take his pain from him. I swallowed hard, willing the words to come out right. “I don’t want to lose you either, and I know this is awful for you, and I hate that I’m the bitch in this situation, but . . .” My words caught again and I swallowed a few times trying to get myself under control. Panic spread through my body and I fought hard to control that, too. Blinking back the tears, I continued in a shaky voice, “But I can’t help it . . . I want a baby.” And with that, the tears rushed forward and streamed down my face as I finally confronted my conflicting desires.
Nash’s arms came around me and he held me tight, his hand running over my hair while he tried to console me. “You’re not the bitch in this situation, sweetheart. The fuckin’ bitch is life and the way she gives and then fuckin’ takes.”
I buried my face in his chest and let the tears flow freely. His arms felt good wrapped around me, as if I was safe and protected, but who knew where this would all end up now.
Eventually, I lifted my head and looked up into his eyes. I took in his torment and listened while he spoke. “I can’t give you an answer tonight.” As his words swirled through me, and my body reacted to them by shrinking away a little, he grasped my arms and pulled me back to him, his eyes demanding I continue to listen. “Promise me you’ll give me some time to work this shit out in my head, and that I won’t wake up in the morning to an empty bed.” His voice was forceful; his words trying to extract a commitment he desperately needed from me.
I nodded. “Yes, I promise,’ I said softly, because when all was said and done, I wasn’t sure I could ever walk away from him, not even if he wouldn’t give me what I wanted. And that thought scared me, too. I’d always promised myself I’d never stay in a relationship again where I couldn’t have what I wanted, and here I was contemplating just that.
3
Chapter Three
Layla
I closed my eyes and dug my fingers into the bed as Donovan licked his tongue along my pussy. My back arched up off the bed and I let out a long, satisfied moan.