“I want you,” he says. “I want to be inside you. I’ll make it good for you, I promise.” He sounds so serious. “But we won’t do anything you don’t want.”
Can I do this? I’m not sure. I shake my head.
“Okay,” Rafe says. “Then we won’t.”
“No, I—I was just thinking.”
I’m starting to tense up the longer I have nothing to say. I’m just scared, I guess, though I hate to admit it. Scared I’ll panic, thinking about before. Scared I won’t like it.
“When I touch you here—” Rafe runs his fingers over my hole again and I shiver hard. “Fuck. The way you respond… I think you’ll love the way it feels to be filled.” He presses against my hole for a second, keeping the pressure light. “The way it feels to be open to me, trusting that I’ll make you feel good.” He squeezes my ass hard and runs his fingers down behind my balls, pressing in. I jerk against him. “Mmm,” he hums, rolling us so I’m back on top of him. “Hear something you like?”
I can’t think of a thing to say to that. He lifts my face away a few inches, looking at me. I don’t know how he can keep eye contact the way he does without feeling awkward. I close my eyes and kiss him, hoping he’ll just keep doing what he’s doing.
“Okay,” he says, as if he’s answering a question I didn’t ask. “Let’s go with that. I say or do something you like, you kiss me. Is that easier?” I wrap my arms around his shoulders and kiss him, relieved. He squeezes me back. “Okay.”
“Um, am I crushing you?” I ask.
“No.” He takes a tube from his pocket. “Spread your legs for me.” And, oh god, that should not turn me on like it does.
When he touches me again, his fingers are slick against my skin. I stare at the tube of lube sitting on the comforter next to Rafe’s hip, and it’s like I’ve fallen into someone else’s life. When the tip of his finger slides inside me, I gasp and my whole body clenches around it. Rafe bites his lip.
“You okay?” I nod. He must be getting seriously sick of asking me that. “Try and relax if you can.” He pushes deeper inside me, and I can feel it with each beat of my heart. He strokes up and down my back with his other hand, and I squeeze my eyes closed. But that’s no good because it lets me imagine it isn’t Rafe touching me and then my mind starts to spiral to places I don’t want it to go, so I open them.
Every time he slides in and out of me, I feel these jolts of sensation inside. It doesn’t feel anything like the last time. It’s pleasure, yeah, but it also kind of feels like….
Heat flushes my cheeks and I pull away.
“What’s wrong?” Rafe asks immediately.
“It’s—I—is it—”
“What is it?”
I shake my head. “I—it—I don’t—it feels like I’m gonna….” Oh god, this is so embarrassing. I cringe away from Rafe’s gaze, but he just nods.
“It feels like you have to go to the bathroom?”
I nod, wincing.
“Yeah. You won’t, though, don’t worry. It’s just the sensation of having something inside you. You’ll get used to it and it won’t feel like that anymore. The more you can relax, the less it’ll feel that way, too. Do you want me to stop?”
I take a deep breath and shake my head. I want this over with.
“Try to push my finger out,” he says softly, still stroking my back. It’s like this isn’t embarrassing him at all. He kisses me lightly on the mouth. When I do it, he slides back inside me, deeper this time, and the feeling fades a little.
“Good. You’re doing great.”
I huff out a laugh. Yeah, right.
He slides in and out of me slowly and reaches between us. He strokes my erection lightly while his finger is inside me and it feels amazing. Like everything is amplified. I kiss him and feel him smile a little into the kiss.
He slides out, and this time when he slides back in, it’s more. My breathing is shallow but suddenly I’m so turned on I can hardly think. I kiss Rafe with everything I have.
“Mmm. Good?” he asks. I kiss him again. “How about now?” Rafe shifts his fingers inside me and I nearly scream.
“Oh Christ,” Rafe groans.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck, what the fuck did you do?”
Rafe looks amused and turned on at the same time. “That’s your prostate,” he says against my lips. He’s using that voice that I love, the one that sounds intimate and filthy, like a promise. “Can you imagine how that will feel when I’m inside you? When it’s my cock touching you here”—he crooks his fingers again and bolts of electricity shoot through me—“instead of my fingers?”