“Oh god.”
He’s rubbing that spot inside me and I’m writhing on top of him, not sure if I want to get away or feel more.
“I—fuck, I can’t—fuck!”
Rafe kisses me deeply, sliding in and out of me slowly, then he slides a third finger in. It hurts for a moment, but my body adjusts quickly. I’m so lost in sensation that I hardly notice when Rafe stops kissing me. His cheeks are flushed and his lips swollen.
“How’re you doing?” he asks, running his free hand over my hair. I nod and kiss him.
“I want—I think—can we try?”
Rafe’s expression is serious and his hand on my cheek is gentle. “Yeah,” he says, voice rough. He kisses me as he eases his fingers out. He eases me down onto the bed like I weigh nothing and takes a condom out of his pocket.
“You, uh, you always carry lube and condoms in your pocket?”
“I put them in the bag with my running stuff. Just in case.” He pulls his underwear off and he’s hard and leaking. He rubs more lube inside me.
“Oh god, Rafe.”
“Roll over on your hands and knees, okay?” He taps my hip. I do what he says automatically, but the second he grabs on to my hips from behind, my stomach starts to lurch. I try to ignore it as he kisses down my spine and puts on the condom. I try to ignore it as he slicks himself up. But then I feel him coming toward me and I can’t.
I twist away on the bed, needing to see his face.
“Not like that, okay?” I say, shaking my head, my breaths coming too shallowly.
Rafe’s cupping my face, talking to me softly, but I don’t hear anything he’s saying over the rushing in my ears.
“Come here,” I hear finally. Rafe wraps his arms around me and pulls me to his chest. When I let him move me closer, I can feel the steady thump of his heart beneath his ribs, and I try to match my breathing to his. He runs his hand over my hair and strokes my back and I start to feel really pathetic. Then mad as hell at myself for failing to have sex.
“Fuck, I’m sorry,” I say. “I’m okay.” Lie.
“I don’t think so.” He leans back and pulls me close to his side, stroking from my head to the base of my spine. After a few minutes, I’m breathing okay and the shaking has stopped and I just feel foolish.
“I know you don’t want to talk about it, but—”
“I want to try again,” I say. I kiss his neck, his jaw, loving the feeling of stubble against my lips as I move toward his mouth.
He shakes his head, but I can feel how turned on he is.
“I don’t think it’s a good idea,” he says. But his eyes are burning into mine and I’m pretty sure I can convince him.
“No, come on. I just—I think I just need to see you. Can we… you can do it that way, right?”
“Oh yeah,” he says heatedly.
“Just checking,” I mutter.
Rafe moves on top of me, kneeling between my legs.
“We’re going to go slow,” he says, kissing me, “and you stop me at any time. It was good that you stopped me.”
I close my eyes, humiliated, but Rafe just kisses me again and I force myself not to think about anything but the feeling of his mouth on mine, the smell of his hair as it spills down around my face.
“Sorry,” he mutters, pulling a rubber band off his wrist and moving to tie his hair back. I grab his wrist before he can.
“No, don’t. I… I like your hair.”
Rafe’s smile is sweet and delighted. Is it possible I’ve never given him a compliment before? I pull his face down and kiss him again to try and say sorry, twining my fingers in his hair. I love the way it feels, thick and soft. It’s a little tangled, though, and when I tug gently, I end up pulling his hair.
“Shit, sorry,” I say just as Rafe groans. He kisses me hard and slides a hand under my thigh, lifting my leg up around his hip.
He breaks the kiss to study my face as he moves his hand between my legs. He touches me so gently, his fingers sliding in the lube that’s still there, and his mouth opens on a breath.
“Okay?”
I nod and he slides two fingers back inside me. My eyes close and my head tips back and Rafe leans in, kissing my throat, then my mouth, fingers playing inside me, finding that spot that felt so good before.
“Ungh!”
He rubs over it, and I dig my fingers into his back, pleasure spreading through me.
“Good?”
“Yeah.”
Rafe rolls my hips up, and I start shaking against him, needing something I can’t put words to. Rafe kisses me deeply, moaning into my mouth as he moves his hand between us. He puts on a new condom and slicks himself up again. I feel shaky and overstimulated and my dick is leaking down onto my stomach. Rafe stills, just looking at me.