“What did he do?” The notion of Rafe wanting someone that badly makes me tense, like I’m running out of time for something.
“Oh, he was really kind about it, of course. He’s the kindest person I’ve ever met. He didn’t mean to make me feel bad, but he said it wasn’t right. He was my sponsor, and I hadn’t been clean that long. Besides, he said he saw me as a little brother.”
“Wait, he was old?” I’ve been picturing some really hot variation on Rafe, I realize.
“Not old, but older than me. I was twenty-four; he was about forty.” Rafe’s smile is fond. “This big old leather daddy.”
“What the hell is a leather daddy?”
He glances sideways at me, looking a little embarrassed. “He was a big, beefy guy with a beard and slicked-back hair who always wore jeans and biker boots and a leather vest. Ate burritos or hamburgers for every meal.”
“So, um, is that, like, your type?”
Rafe snorts. He looks right at me and takes my hands in his. Ugh, I think mine are all sweaty.
“No,” he says. When he lets go of my hands, the disappointment hits hard. Suddenly touching him seems crucial. “Anyway, I got over it. Javi was great. He acted exactly the same around me after that, so I didn’t feel so awkward. Never stopped hugging me or hanging out with me. Eventually, I forgot it ever happened, really. He was… my mentor, my sponsor. My best friend.”
Rafe looks down at his hands.
“And now he’s just… gone. And I don’t know what to do with that.”
He doesn’t try to play it off or cover it up or act like he’s okay when he isn’t. He… feels it. And I wish so fucking bad I could be like that. My heart feels like it’s beating out of my chest and I’m sweating, but I can’t help myself. I need to touch him, breathe him in, absorb some of the sadness that feels so familiar.
I push up onto my knees and gently touch my lips to his. He startles at first, like he didn’t think that’s what I was going to do, but then he relaxes and lets me kiss him.
I can’t believe I’m kissing a man.
I can’t believe I’m kissing Rafe.
And shit, I must be doing a terrible job, because Rafe’s sitting stock-still. After a few seconds, though, one hand slides up my back and the other cups my cheek. And he starts really kissing me. I mean, holy hell is he kissing me.
I’ve kissed women before and it was fine. Nice, sometimes. But it didn’t turn me on like this. Each time Rafe’s mouth moves over mine, bolts of sensation shoot straight to my groin. I’m hard in seconds—embarrassingly hard—high school hard—and my whole body is buzzing with energy. Then something inside me lets go, and it feels like I’m drunk. Everything’s melted into a soup of darkness and fog and I’m suspended there, where the only thing I’m supposed to do is to kiss Rafe. Nothing could have prepared me for this: feeling like I’m in the right place, with the right person. Like a weight I didn’t even realize had always been pressing down on my chest has suddenly vaporized, leaving me ungrounded but free.
Rafe makes a sound in the back of his throat and I realize I have my arms wrapped so tightly around his neck that I’m probably choking him.
“Sorry,” I mutter. He doesn’t let me pull away, though, and just shakes his head. We’re both staring at each other, breathing heavily. Rafe’s eyelids are heavy, his lips slightly parted. He pulls me closer, pulls me down so I’m basically straddling him.
“Oh fuck,” I mutter as he settles me on his lap. I’m aware of my body in a way I only ever am when I’m running. Connected. I could come with just a touch, which makes me start to panic. I feel helpless like this. Ashamed and nervous and so fucking turned on that I can’t pull away.
Rafe runs his hands down my arms, his touch electric. I can smell the warm spice of his hair, and I lean closer, chasing the scent. My nose is next to his neck and I breathe him in. Fuck. Rafe smells like a warm, velvet darkness that I want to dive in to and never come out of.
He leans back slowly, pulling me down on top of him. He spreads his legs and cradles me with his hips as my legs slide between his.
I make a humiliating broken sound, and Rafe kisses me until I’m light-headed and out of control. He pulls my groin tight against his muscled stomach and I know I’m gonna lose it. It’s like I’m coming out of my skin. Every nerve ending is electrified, all the pleasure routed to my dick.