“I have to do it tonight,” I declared, turning away from Mason and rolling onto my back in the double bed.
“Tonight? All we’ve done since we got here is sleep. Why not take a day to get settled first?”
“I can’t,” I refuted, shaking my head. “It’s eating me alive. I need to see them.”
“Do you want me to come with you? I completely understand if it’s something you want to do alone.”
“I think it’s best. I’m hoping to leave there with the hope of at least having some kind of civil relationship with them. This all started when I said I was gay. Taking you with me might make them think I’m trying to shove it down their throats.”
“I wish you didn’t have to think like that,” he said, sighing in disapproval.
“So do I, tiger. But I do. For now, at least. I want them to accept me, but it’d be naïve of me to think that’s going to happen straight away.”
“You’re coping so well with all this. I’m proud of you.”
“It doesn’t feel that way.”
“Think back to where you were a couple of months ago. You are coping.”
“I’m scared, Mason.”
“What of?” he asked, concern forcing his eyebrows together as he propped himself up on his elbow to stare at me.
“I’m scared tonight will send me back to that place.” I didn’t want to tell Mason, worry him unnecessarily, but I’d already started to feel that familiar itch. That pain under my skin. The hurt that could only escape through a long, deep cut.
“It won’t, because you’re not alone anymore. I’m here, Ryder. Use me. Talk to me. Share with me. Whatever happens I’ll be taking those troubles on too.”
“I still don’t know if I’ll be any good at that.”
“I’ll know anyway,” he said, trailing his forefinger down my cheek. “I’ll see the distance in your eyes, I’ll notice the way your cheeks don’t move when you smile, and I’ll feel the pain you have in here,” he added, pressing his palm over my heart. “I know you, Ryder. I know how you think, how you feel, and how you pretend. You will not go back to that place.”
“Well I’m going to hop in the shower and leave, so I guess we’ll soon find out.”
Mason took in a deep, ragged breath, his face melting into visible pain. “Call me, you hear? Keep me updated as soon as you get a chance.”
“I will. I promise.”
“I love you.”
“You wanna know something?” I said after a few seconds contemplation. “That doesn’t scare me anymore.”
Sighing contentedly, Mason smiled and then wrapped me in his arms. “Good, because I’m always going to love you.”
I felt physically sick as I approached the door to my parents’ house. My dad’s car was outside but that didn’t necessarily mean he was home and as I brought my fist up to knock on the door I hoped that he wasn’t. I tapped my foot nervously against the gravel as I waited for someone to answer. Things didn’t end well last time I was here, in fact I think I yelled something along the lines of ‘You are dead to me’ as I stormed out of the door.
I heard footsteps on the other side of the door and my heart leapt up into my throat. I silently told myself to run in the opposite direction several times but even if I’d wanted to my feet had melted into the ground. After hearing the sound of the safety chain being jangled open, the door started to move.
“Oh, my…Ryder?” my mum asked with a mixture of shock and disbelief in her tone.
“Forgot my face already?” I spat before forcing some deep breaths. I needed to at least try and be civil if this was going to work but damn my parents made it such hard work. “Sorry,” I grudgingly muttered. “I didn’t come here to fight with you. Can I come in?”
“Of course. This is your home.”
“Didn’t feel like that when you kicked me out of it.”
Shit. The whole being civil thing wasn’t going as well as I’d have liked.
My mum stepped aside and I could feel her eyes boring into the back of my head as I walked past her and into the living room. I took a seat on the edge of the brown leather couch, not feeling comfortable enough to sit all the way back, and waited for her to join me.
“Your father…” she began, trailing off as if struggling to find the right words. “He just doesn’t understand. He doesn’t hate you, Ryder.”
“He told me I was no longer his son!”
“Like I said, he just doesn’t understand.”
“Understand what exactly?”
“That you think you’re…you know…”
“Gay?”
She squinted her eyes at the ‘dirty’ word. “Yes.”
“I don’t think anything. I am gay. I’ve always been gay.”
“Is that why you came back? To have this same argument over and over again?”