I woke up what must’ve been a couple of hours later on the cold bathroom floor. I didn’t remember falling asleep. Maybe I passed out. Maybe I was so exhausted, physically and mentally, that my body shut down. I cupped my neck as I sat up from the floor, massaging the stiff ache. When I moved my other arm I winced from the pain of the dried blood peeling from my skin. Fuck. I’d usually have cleaned myself up right away. Now it would be harder and definitely more painful, but in a lot of ways that was a bonus. I inflicted the wounds myself therefore I deserved the sting cleaning them would bring. In fact, I craved it.
One month later…
Jacob Phelps @Fitboy9266h
@KyleKingXXX Congrats on the silver chains! Well deserved
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Malc Davis @MD4846h
@KyleKingXXX Best man won! Never any competition ;-)
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Emma Clark @emthebabe5h
@KyleKingXXX Congratulations beautiful! Best newcomer :-)
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Last night was the Silver Chain Awards – the industry’s biggest ceremony. Back Door Studios won six awards in total, planting us firmly on the map as industry leaders. I went because I was expected to, and because I owed so much to Ivan. In many ways he was like a father to me. He helped me get set up here, found me a place to live and had supported me through everything.
Except this. In order for him to do that I’d have had to have told him.
I felt on edge throughout the evening, looking over my shoulder in case I saw Mason. I plastered the confident smile people were accustomed to on my face whenever a fan or a camera came my way. Everyone seemed appeased with my little act, even though I felt like I was slowly dying inside. Everyone except Ivan of course.
“He’s not here, kid.”
“Huh?” I said, purposely acting oblivious when Ivan pulled me into a corner.
“You can’t pull that shit on me, Ry. The two of you have been little more than walking ghosts for weeks now. You’ve lost your spark, on and off screen. What’s troubling you? Talk to me.”
“I just…I can’t be around him right now,” I confessed, my voice cracking.
“Did you two have a thing going on?”
“No,” I assured, shaking my head. “He just… I mean I just…”
“You’re in a bad place, kid. I can see it. I know what that’s like. To feel like you’re trapped in a giant maze. Every time you turn you bang into another wall.”
“Yeah,” I agreed, my tone weak, taken aback by how accurately he described how I was feeling.
“But you know the thing about mazes? They’re almost impossible to get out of alone. The bigger they are the more guidance you need, otherwise by the time you find your own way, it might be too late.”
“I feel trapped, Ivan. I don’t know what to do.”
“Cut down on the pot and alcohol for one. It’s one thing using them to have a good time, chill out every now and then but, kid, I’ve not seen you sober in weeks. That shit fucks with your brain in those quantities.”
I rolled my eyes like a petulant child. I didn’t have the care or the energy for a lecture right now.
“Have you talked to anyone?”
I shook my head.
“I think you need to. I know a good therapist. I could put you in touch if-”
“Hell no,” I said firmly, cutting him off. “I don’t need that shit.”
“Hey, babe, they want you over there for photos.” Eli appeared from nowhere, grinning wildly, high on pride. I saw his face when Ivan’s name was announced as Best Director. The love in his eyes made my dying heart swell, throbbing just slightly as if to remind me it was still there.
“I’ll be back soon,” Ivan said, giving me a one-armed hug. “I’m here for you, kid,” he whispered in my ear. Then he patted my shoulder and followed Eli out towards the crowd of models, photographers and fans. I didn’t want to stay and see him again. I couldn’t face it. So, with a heavy heart I turned and weaved my way through the sea of excited bodies towards the exit before hailing a cab to take me home.
One week later…
I made my way into the studio for the first time in just over a week. I wasn’t filming, instead modeling for a calendar Ivan and Mark were putting together. The focus was much less porn and much more art. We’d already held a couple of shoots over the last couple of months in various locations and the photos were what could only be described as stunning. Ivan had a vision. He wanted the emphasis on expressions, on capturing our souls as he put it, and so far he’d done an outstanding job of achieving that.
After throwing my rucksack into Ivan’s office I headed out into the hall. That’s when my heart stopped dead in my chest. So far, despite us working for the same studio, I’d done a damn good job of avoiding Mason, so when I looked up and his eyes were just inches from mine I became so paralyzed I genuinely didn’t know if I was still standing.