Well fuck me sideways three times.
“I, um, I don’t know what to say.”
And I didn’t. My mouth became so dry my lips sealed together, preventing a single word from escaping. Then he rested his hand on my knee, and what felt like fear surged through my veins. My heart rate quickened, my skin glistened with sweat. That had to be fear, right? But why? Why did he have this effect on me? This was the exact thing that was making me so frustrated.
“Say you’ll go on a date with me?”
“A date? Me?” An involuntary smile crept onto my face at the ridiculous notion. “That’s never going to happen, Mase. I don’t date. Ever.”
“Why? Why won’t you let anyone in?”
“Oh, come on, that’s taking things a bit far.”
“How so? I’m interested to know why you won’t date, why you won’t let anyone get close to you.”
“I never said I wouldn’t let anyone get close to me. You’re making this out to be far more serious than it is.”
“Then go on a date with me.”
“No.”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t want to be tied down. I like the life I have and I’m not going to fuck it up by having to justify myself to someone else.”
“Justify what? I’m not a stranger. I know who you are and what you do. Your life would still be the same.”
“It wouldn’t. Relationships are so…serious. Complicated. People expect trust, and monogamy, and for you to share shit. I haven’t got time for that.”
“Stop referring to me as ‘people’. I’m not ‘people’. I’m me. Of course I want you to share shit, how else am I supposed to get to know you? As for monogamy, I assume you’re referring to porn. In which case, I’m a porn model too, Ry. I might not have chosen it for the same reasons as you, but I still get it. It’s a job. A job I’d never ask or expect you to quit. What you do on camera isn’t what you shared with me that night here, and I know you know that as well as I do. And trust? That needs to be earned. I’m asking for a date, Ryder. Not marriage.”
I let out a long breath in the form of a deep, confused sigh. Much to my surprise, I was almost considering the idea, until his hand that was still on my leg squeezed my knee gently and my heart leapt into my throat. I couldn’t control it. I couldn’t control the way my pulse raced or my dick swelled when he touched me and I hated that. I swore no one would ever have control over me and so I wasn’t about to give it to Mason.
“I said no,” I snapped firmly. “And I also think it’s time you looked for your own place.”
Mason’s back abruptly stiffened. His face paled and his jaw dropped slightly open. “If that’s what you want, I’ll look into it tomorrow.”
“It is what I want. This was only supposed to be temporary, remember?”
“Sure,” he said, his voice wavering. “I’m sorry I’ve upset you,” he added, standing from the chair. My lips parted to say something, but when I realized I didn’t have a fucking clue what I should say, they closed again. Mason gave me one last glance, his eyebrows narrowing as if he were in pain. Then he nodded once and turned for his room, leaving me alone with tears stinging the back of my eyes and my fist itching to punch myself in my worthless fucking face.
Fuck.
“Ah, that explains the press outside,” I said to Sawyer when I found him sitting in Ivan’s office. “Thought they’d have gotten bored by now. I mean, I’m pretty sure the whole damn world knows you co-own a porn studio now. What else are they expecting to find?”
“Probably hoping to catch me filming a scene or somethin’,” he said, laughing.
“Where’s Jake?”
“Grocery shopping.”
“I thought you went yesterday?”
“I did, but apparently it’s not my forte and I forgot a bunch of stuff from the list.”
“Aw, you guys make lists? That’s kinda cute.”
“No, Jake makes lists. If it were up to me I’d just order in three meals a day, but he likes playing housewife. And don’t you dare tell him I said that.”
I chuckled. “Wouldn’t dream of it.”
“So how come you’re here anyway?”
“Think I left a shirt here. My Diesel one. Black. White stitching. You seen it? I wanted to wear it tonight.”
“Sorry, dude.” He shook his head. “What’s happening tonight?”
“Hitting a few bars with Matt.”
“I think you’re a good influence on him. He’s calmed down a lot lately.”
“I’m sure that’s more to do with losing his rock star status than me,” I disagreed, raising my eyebrow. Seriously, how the fuck could I have been a calming influence on anyone? “Anyway, I’m gonna find my shirt and head off. Catch you later.”