Shaking his head noncommittally, he says, “Not really. Like I said, I like you.”
“You like me but you want to hurt me?” I question.
“It’s not about hurting you.”
Progress! “Hurting me doesn’t… do anything for you?”
Frowning faintly, he shakes his head. “No, pain doesn’t do much for me. It’s the struggle, I guess. I do like overpowering you. Mentally, physically—I just like taking you on. I don’t know why, exactly; I guess I’ve never felt so well-matched. Hell, I like doing it even when I know I’m not going to fuck you, just to see the fear in your eyes. That’s fucked up, isn’t it?”
While a brutal confession, it also strikes me as vulnerable, and I want to reinforce his honesty, so I tug free the wrist he kissed and touch his face tenderly. Holding his gaze, I shake my head. “Not necessarily. What do you see when you look at me? Do you think I’m weaker than you, someone easy to pick on? Or do you see me as strong?”
“Strong,” he says, without hesitation. “One of the strongest people I’ve ever met, in ways I didn’t even know people could be.”
“And you like having me at your mercy,” I say, to verify. “Maybe you like the power it gives you, overpowering someone you think is so strong?”
He nods, watching my face. His dark eyes are slightly hooded, either with lust or skepticism, I’m not sure.
“Does it turn you on to think of me helpless?” I ask.
“For me,” he specifies. “Not helpless in general, only for me.”
I nod my head, swallowing. “Does it lessen your arousal to think of me enjoying it?”
“No. I want you to enjoy it. I like the cute little helpless sounds you make when you come.”
Flushing, I drop my gaze to his chest and try to focus on my train of thought without the distraction of bashfulness. “Does it lessen your arousal to picture me crying? Begging you to stop? Meaning it?”
He hesitates for a second, deliberating over whether or not he wants to be honest, but then says, “No.”
I let out a breath, but try to keep hold of my objectivity.
So, he can take or leave my pleasure, but he prefers it. All right. My stomach sinks from the weight of all my nerves as I try to find the courage for this next part. “Okay, so, what if you could go through all the motions, but it was just playing? Have you ever...” I clear my throat, trying again. “You’ve obviously had some sexual experiences, so have you ever explored these desires with any of them?”
Carter shakes his head, still watching me. “I told you, you were the first.”
“Okay, so, something I came across—” God, this is awkward. Might as well just spit it out. “Different people obviously like different things. Sexuality is a spectrum, and sexual interests vary and evolve, and… just because you may be into something that not everyone considers normal, it doesn’t mean it has to be criminal, you would just have to have a certain kind of partner. You can engage in safer play that would indulge the same…” I have no idea how to say what I’m trying to say. My head is a jumbled mess, I don’t know if he’s even receptive to it, and I just feel so awkward.
He isn’t ridiculing me when he speaks, though, and he uses my actual name, which does encourage me. “Just spit it out, Zoey.”
“I just wonder what might happen if you had someone who understood your desires, someone who consented to playing with you the way you like. If you like taking someone’s power, maybe you could try it with someone who would happily surrender her power to you.”
I glance up at his face to make sure he’s still with me, and when he appears to be, I continue.
“But the thing is, in any kind of situation where power is given over to you like that, it requires a lot of trust. More than average relationships require. It would have to be with someone open-minded, but most importantly, you would have to invest in them. You would have to really care, because it might not always go so well, and if you push too far and actually hurt your plaything, then you need to take care of them after. You can’t just disregard their needs or their limits; you’d have to make it right. I think your needs can be met if you look to satisfy them in the right place, but in the wrong place… you’re going to become someone’s nightmare. There is a line between abuse and rough play, but you have predatory tendencies, Carter. I can say with reasonable certainty, if you don’t legitimately care about your partner, that line will disappear.”
His dark eyes light up with interest. “Plaything?”