“How many times do I have to tell you, I’m not going to ruin your life?” he asks.
“That’s the problem, Carter. It doesn’t matter how many times you say it, because I can’t believe it. I think you’re a lot of things, and I have enjoyed… whatever this has been between us. I don’t know what that says about me, but I have. The problem is, you are a slippery slope, and I can see a future between us too, but I think mine looks a lot different than yours. At this point, I can’t see a version of my life where you are not my downfall.”
Shaking his head, visibly aggravated, Carter says, “You didn’t feel this way before you saw that fucking video. You can act like you have all these solid reasons, Zoey, but you were ready to do this before Erika fucked it up. These excuses are bullshit. You can study and have a boyfriend. Literally everyone else manages.”
“It doesn’t matter if you believe me,” I state, done with explaining myself. “It doesn’t matter if you like my reasons. Our relationship is over and so is this conversation. Now, please leave. I have had the longest day ever, I’m tired, and I want to go to sleep.”
“You don’t have to do this, you know,” he says, suddenly calm and meeting my gaze. “If you think your dignity demands this response, it doesn’t. I will make it up to you. I can fix this. One mistake is not who I am, and it damn sure isn’t the sum total of our fucking relationship. Throwing it all away… it’s a waste.”
I wish I could argue that, but I can’t. No, I can’t be positive I’m making the right decision, but I think the chances are good I would regret staying with Carter more than I’ll ever regret leaving him. I’m not going to say that to him. I’ve said enough and I really don’t feel like being mean.
Instead, I meet his gaze and offer simply, “I’m sorry.”
Carter watches me for a moment, still straddling my hips. Finally, he shakes his head and climbs off me. “Fine.”
My stomach rocks at his acquiescence, but I remind myself this is what I wanted. It’s still jarring that he’s not only doing what I asked him to do, but doing it so quickly. Now that he’s off me, off my bed, he doesn’t linger. He goes straight to the door and pulls it open, preparing to leave.
Out of place disappointment creeps up on me, but only fleetingly. I shove it down, pointing out to myself I should be glad Carter is respecting my wishes for once. And I am. I meant what I said, it’s just… a little voice in the back of my mind whispers that for all he claims to see a future with me, he sure didn’t fight very hard for me.
Oh well. I didn’t want him to fight me, I wanted him to go away, and now he is. If there’s still a small part of me that wants to call him back, that’s just an impulse I’ll have to ignore.
Carter doesn’t say goodbye and he doesn’t look back. I’m so focused on holding onto my control, on guarding myself in case he pivots at the last second, it’s not until he’s so far gone he must be out the front door that I feel it for the first time.
This crazy ride I have been taking with him… it’s finally over. Carter and I are really over, and God help me, I’m gonna miss him.
Chapter 40
Tuesday passes in a slog. My morning classes crawl by, then I have to see Carter again for the first time as an ex. He doesn’t look at me once in history class, and he doesn’t look sad either. He has bounced right back, his mask has slid right back into place, and he sits over there like he used to up until a few weeks ago, blissfully unaware of my existence.
Since he showed up in my bedroom last night, it crosses my mind a couple times that maybe he will hang back after class like he used to when he was pursuing me, drape an arm around my shoulder and lightly harass me before I make my way out to my car for lunch.
He doesn’t. He walks right past me toward the cafeteria, and I go out to my car in peace. Too much peace. I miss his stupid harassment.
Slamming my car door shut once I’m inside, I lean my head forward and rest my forehead against the steering wheel, trying to get my bearings. I can’t be the only one sad about the break-up I initiated. Carter wanted to stay together, I’m the one who said no. I can’t be the one sitting in my car feeling rejected while he is laughing with his friends at lunch.