No one had ever told me I looked unhappy before. No one had ever run away from me before. No one had ever made me want to run after her before.
“You look unhappy.” Tightening my grip on my briefcase, I scoffed at my reflection before the elevator gave a shrill ping and settled in the shaft. The doors slid open, and I rubbed my jaw and neck roughly with my free hand
as Hailey’s face that night flashed in my mind’s eye. Momentarily blinded as I stepped onto solid ground, my heart stuttered in its cage at the mix of saliva, snot and tears that had streamed in rivers into her knotted hair.
My car waited for me in front of the building, and I didn’t so much as glance at the valet as I climbed into the driver’s seat. The smell of leather invaded my nostrils, but it only mixed with the memory of Hailey’s sexed-up scent. A groan lodged in my throat, and I buckled up and gripped the wheel tightly to peel off the curb.
“You look unhappy.” The truth was—I am unhappy. Hailey was the first thing in almost a decade that made me feel something other than unhappiness. Even though that something was an obsessive need to fuck her, at least it was different.
But when the time finally came, I lost myself. I didn’t hear her screams ringing with genuine torture. I didn’t consider her choking on my cock to be something she disliked. I hate fucked her, and shame tightened my chest to the point that I couldn’t breathe.
Stopping smoothly at the light at the end of the street, I glanced around through the windshield in search of something to distract me. But that was the thing; Hailey was my distraction.
The fucking irony.
A small sign was stuck in the window of a gym, and I leaned over the center console and rolled the window down. The cold air blasting from my vents was sucked out into the harshness of a California heat wave. Rolling my jaw, I stared at the writing on the sign before a horn honked, and I sat back in my seat before flicking on my blinker.
AA Meetings Friday 7-8:30pm.
Blood beat in my ears as I stared at the sign under furrowed brows. Clenching and releasing my fists by my side, I tried to find out how I ended up in front of this beat-up gym, but the thought train eluded me.
“You look unhappy.” That damn recollection hit me hard square in the chest, and I hoovered up a harsh breath through flared nostrils. I hurt someone because of how unhappy I was with my life. I had disregarded Hailey’s safety in a situation where she could’ve fucking died.
“Are you looking to join the meeting?” The question stiffened every muscle in my body, and my blood pounding in my ears suddenly became eerily quiet. Glancing over at the front door of the gym, I pursed my lips together as an older man in jeans and a dingy t-shirt stepped beyond it fully. “We’ve got room.”
“I’m not an alcoholic… I actually don’t think I’ve drunk more than 4 beers at any one time.” My confession only caused the man to raise a bushy eyebrow, and I tore my eyes off him to stare back at the sign. “I… I think I need help, though.”
“How about you sit in on the meeting, and we can talk about it a little? Have you ever had therapy of any kind before?” Shaking my head silently, I tried to ignore the sour taste on my tongue and the disgust dripping down my throat. This is what I’m reduced to. “That’s okay… You know—it’s not a bad thing to admit that you need professional help sometimes. No one can do everything alone, especially when you’ve got so much expectation on your shoulders.”
That brought my gaze back to him, but he only shrugged with a knowing smile stretching his lips. Pursing my own into a thin line, I leaned back on my heels as goosebumps washed my arms.
“Yeah… yeah, I’ll sit in, if that’s okay.”
“I wouldn’t have offered if it wasn’t. Come on in.” For a long moment, I hesitated, but Hailey’s ruined face flashed in my mind’s eye as the nameless man held open the gym door. Taking that first step wasn’t as hard as I had always imagined it would be, and I took a deep, steadying breath before following him into the gym.
“Uh, so… how does this… work…?” Posing my question as we passed by clearly old work-out equipment, I faltered slightly, but the man leading me through the maze smiled over his shoulder serenely.
“This is an AA group, but I know a lot of good therapists. What made you want to get help?” He didn’t ask for my name, and I didn’t ask for his—even though it was clear he already knew who I was. Rolling my jaw at the question, I paused in front of an elliptical machine to train my eyes on the floor as self-disgust threatened to choke me.
“I hurt someone because… I took out my hatred for myself on her, and it’s been haunting me. The first second I saw her, I wanted her… but when she gave in, I hurt her.” Prickles slid down my spine and stuck in my throat, and my hoarse confession only brought an understanding hum from the older, clearly wiser man standing opposite me. “I don’t know what to do about it now.”
“You know… it’s not easy to just abandon your life, no matter how much you hate it. Most people can’t walk away for years. But, one thing I’ve learned, is you can’t go anywhere unless you prepare for the journey. When you’re all packed up and ready to go, it still won’t be easy to walk out the door, but it won’t feel like it's impossible.” Holding my breath, the words rolled around in my mind for what seemed like a lot longer than a few seconds before I found myself nodding firmly.
“Where do I start?” Smiling broadly, the man took the last few steps to a door, and my heart thundered in my chest as he grabbed the doorknob. Gesturing me through the threshold, he waited patiently as I worked up the courage to take the first step.
But, somehow, I managed.
Chapter 9
Anthony
Ten months later…
“What do you mean she stopped coming?” Pursing my lips tightly as Sam shrugged carelessly, I ground my teeth hard and inhaled sharply through my nose. “Care to elaborate a little, man?”
“What do you expect me to say? Hailey just stopped coming. I figured it was because you screwed her into oblivion and other men just didn’t interest her anymore. I haven’t seen her for at least 7 months since she got her corporate job on the other side of the city. I don’t have an explanation to elaborate on.”
A harsh growl lodged in my throat as I leaned against the bar, and my eyes narrowed as they scanned the floor. The place was pretty empty, but that wasn’t all too weird considering it was the middle of the day. Tapping my foot against the stool rung absently, I held my breath as guilt and self-depreciation clawed at my chest.