Now I feel like an ass for dragging her into this. Her life is sunny and bright now. The last thing she needs is me pulling her out of it for any reason.
I’m supposed to be the one who holds her together, not the other way around. Even if I have to fake it, I’m going to be just fucking fine when she wakes up. Because she’s going home to the life she’s always deserved, and I’ll endure this chaos I call a life now.
I made the mess. It’s time I clean it up.
“You have to tell him,” she says from the bed as I tie my hair up on my head.
Her eyes are still closed, but I know she’s awake now. I shake my head, then realize she can’t see me.
“No,” I finally say, too drained of tears and emotionally wrung out to cry right now. “At least not until much later.”
She won’t understand my reasoning, especially after last night. Hell, not even I understand my reasoning. In my head, I’m still expecting Ethan to explain away Star, promising it was all a misunderstanding. Even if he stated the exact opposite.
“Why later? And how much later? When you’re in the delivery room?” She sits up, her eyes wide open now as she stares at me. “I can’t keep letting Wren think I’m pregnant, so I have to spill the beans at some point. He told Angel, for heaven’s sake. She wants a sister now, and I’m not pregnant.”
I wince at that.
“Tell Wren you’re not pregnant. Just don’t tell him that I am. Besides, you’re not supposed to tell anyone about a pregnancy until you’re out of the first trimester anyway. So I’m technically just following doctor’s orders.”
She gives me a withering stare I don’t really appreciate.
“It’s his kid too, Bella. He needs to start growing up and taking responsibility. What happens when he has rights to your kid, and he’s not prepared? It’s better if he spends these next several months getting ready for a baby. What happens when he shows up on your doorstep because someone else spilled the beans instead of you? That could cause even more problems than there already is.”
That damn knot pops into my throat again, and more tears threaten to spill, but I rein it all in, trying to force the cool composure that teeters on the edge.
“I’m going out for coffee,” I say instead. “Want some?”
She narrows her eyes at me. “No. I want to have this conversation you’re dodging.”
Blowing out a heavy breath, my shoulders sag in defeat. Last night was the rude awakening I couldn’t have ever readied myself for. Ethan always surprises me, so at some point, I really should stop thinking he’s predictable.
“Allie, Ethan will never be prepared for a kid. I was wrong. He’s not the guy I thought he was. Okay? I’ll figure something out, but it’s likely that I’ll never have to worry about him just showing up to take my kid away for the weekend. In fact, I’m not worried about him showing up at all.”
I turn around and walk out of the room, then jerk the door open to the building’s hallway. Just as I press the elevator button, the doors open, and Ethan Noles surprises me once again by stepping out.
Fucking eh. I guess he will show up.
He grabs me before I can protest, not even acting surprised to find me, and his lips capture mine in an angry, punishing kiss. So many conflicting emotions swirl within me like a cyclone, and I go from pushing him away to pulling him close to pushing him away again.
But he kisses me anyway, unaffected by my personal game of tug of war. He backs me against the wall, kissing me stupid. The shirt he’s wearing is too tightly stretched over him, as if it’s a size too small. When I press my hands against him, I feel his powerful body through the barely fitting material, and I moan against his lips, hating myself in that very instant.
It’s only the image of him and Star smashing through my mind that awakens the miserable girl I was last night, reminding me why I cried myself to sleep. That has me recoiling and shoving at him hard enough that he breaks the kiss.
“Don’t fucking touch me ever again,” I whisper, looking away from him, unable to see those devastatingly beautiful eyes right now. I’d fall captive all over again, because it hurts. Everything hurts.
“Damn it, Bella, I’m sorry. Okay?” he pleads, sounding as miserable as I felt all night.
But I can’t. Second chances are for girls who can play a reckless game. Ethan’s first option after one week was to find an ex and fuck her. Then to rub it in my face.
That’s not the life I can afford to have anymore. My baby won’t ever feel dejected. And I deserve the same thing. It’s one of my many excuses to hold my silence right now, as I push away the vision of what I really want.
“Not okay, Ethan,” I say, turning to face him. It’s hard to ignore the tortured expression on his face, and I immediately regret looking into his eyes.
If I hadn’t witnessed his cold, dismissive, callous attitude last night, I’d be putty in his hands right now, and I’d be telling him all about the tiny life we’ve created.
But not here. Not in a hallway. Not the day after my heart was ripped out and spat on like it was never respected or important.
“Bella, I’m sorry. What I said and did last night was seriously fucked up, and it was a complete and total lie. Okay? I never touched Star—”